Episode 05

Bonus Q&A Episode: Your Questions, Answered!

We’ve been receiving so many insightful and thought-provoking questions from you all, and it’s time we dive into them.
27 min.

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Show Notes

Hello, listeners! Welcome back to The Hilary Silver Podcast. Today’s episode is a special one—it’s our very first BONUS Q&A session! We’ve been receiving so many insightful and thought-provoking questions from you all, and it’s time we dive into them. From dealing with complex relationship dynamics to uncovering the hidden roots of anxiety, we’re covering a range of topics to give you the clarity and tools you need. So sit back, tune in, and let’s get started on this journey of discovery together. Remember, this is not just about finding answers—it’s about empowering you to take control of your life and relationships. Let’s join the conversation with Hilary and her Creative Director, Jessica Lynn.

In this episode, you’ll learn...

Episode Highlights:
  • First ever BONUS Q&A episode with listener-submitted questions
  • Deep dives into anxiety, narcissism, and relationship challenges
  • Practical advice on recognizing and dealing with gaslighting
  • Insights on choosing effective therapists or coaches
Episode Breakdown:
00:00 Introduction: Kicking off our first Q&A session
00:26 Anxiety Insights: Exploring deeper issues beyond anxiety
15:42 Narcissism and Relationships: Strategies for dealing with toxic behavior in relationships
37:15 Handling Gaslighting: Effective approaches to address and confront gaslighting behavior
52:50 Therapy and Coaching: Choosing the right help for personal growth and healing
Listener Takeaways:
  • Understand how deeper issues might manifest as anxiety and what you can do about it
  • Learn to identify and respond to narcissistic traits and gaslighting in relationships
  • Gain tips on selecting a therapist or coach who can provide not just support, but practical steps toward improvement
  • Empower yourself with the knowledge and confidence to address personal and relational challenges effectively

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Our first one.

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Yeah. Okay. Because the intro from last time

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then won’t fit that

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because I’m saying this is our first one.

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Well, we can edit that a little bit if we need to,

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but we don’t even have to say like,

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this is our first q and a.

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We can just say, you know,

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I can ask you like, all right, Hillary,

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we just dropped the Hillary Silver podcast.

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How are you feeling about it?

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We’ve received a lot of great questions from listeners,

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and so we decided to go ahead and do a q and a and

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Prompt you. We

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decided to go ahead and do an impromptu q and a

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because we got so many good questions about Yeah. Say

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We’ve been inviting everybody to submit questions.

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Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

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But nobody’s gonna know who you are

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because I didn’t introduce you.

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Right. So start with that.

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Okay. Um, hold on.

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I wanna pull, I just, I really liked what I said last time.

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Let me just pull it up real quick.

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Um, let’s see. Okay.

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What I said was, yeah, it’s too much.

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I don’t need to go into all of that.

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Um, ’cause I said something like,

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today is actually a real conversation

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because yeah, your voices will be heard.

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Um, but the hot seat thing in

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my ass is already burning.

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Can we? I don’t wanna lose that. I like that. Yeah.

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So should we keep that for the other episode? Yeah.

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I don’t think it’s, it doesn’t, it’s not, uh,

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in inapplicable just because it’s a second Q and a.

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Okay. All right. Welcome everybody.

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Today is actually a true conversation.

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It’s not just me talking, it’s actually me listening to you.

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We’ve been asking you all to submit your questions,

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your comments, things that you think maybe I’ve missed

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or I’ve got off the mark,

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or things that you want to hear more about.

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And today I am here with Jess.

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She’s my good friend and creative director,

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and she’s going to be feeding me questions.

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She’s just randomly picked some, um, some

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of our juiciest questions from all of you.

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And I have no idea what they are.

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I have no idea what the questions are.

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So I’m in the hot seat

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and let’s just dive right into the questions.

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Alright? Awesome. I love it.

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We’ve got some really good questions from listeners

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and it kind of runs the gamut on all of the topics

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that you’ve been discussing lately on the

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Hillary Silver Podcast.

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So I’m just gonna dive right in and ask you.

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So our first question is about gaslighting.

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So it says this, my question is about gaslighting

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and passive aggressive behavior.

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I know you’re asking us to look at ourselves,

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but I know my partner is gaslighting me

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and he is also passive aggressive.

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I don’t wanna lose the relationship.

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So how do I call him out and

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Get him to stop?

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Ooh. Okay.

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So a lot of pieces there and my brain is already churning.

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So we might have to go back to the question again

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’cause I sometimes talk and then I forget

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what the original part of the question was.

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So the first thing I wanna say right off the bat

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that jumped off the page is there,

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and I want everybody to understand this,

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and you all know this, I know you know this already,

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but I have to say it, there is nothing that you can do

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that will make somebody else do something.

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We cannot control what other people do.

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And if you try to do that and you try to do that

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and try to do that, it’s like beating

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your head against the wall.

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It’s going to exhaust you, disappoint you, upset you,

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frustrate you, you’ll feel resentful.

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So in this case, there is absolutely nothing

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that this person, I don’t know if it was a man

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or woman, I don’t think that was made clear.

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I there’s nothing that this person can do

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to make their partner stop doing this.

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Okay? You can’t be tied to that outcome.

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We have to relinquish that right here, right now.

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Surrender to that, that is not, um,

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a goal that is achievable.

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Now, having said that, there are lots of things

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that we can say

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or do to try to influence somebody else’s behavior,

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especially in an intimate, romantic relationship

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with somebody that we care about.

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Because I’m not perfect.

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And I know my husband wants me

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to change some things about how I communicate.

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He can’t make me change,

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but he can point out to me the things

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that I am I am doing, things that I do

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that are uncomfortable, things that I say that are hurtful.

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So in this case, you can say, Hey,

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person that I love very much

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and don’t wanna lose, I really,

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when you say things like such, such

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and such, I feel blah, blah, blah.

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So you’re owning your feelings

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and you’re owning your experience

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and you’re making a request to your partner

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to communicate in a different way.

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When we understand that

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how we are communicating has a negative effect on somebody

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that we care about, we’re more likely

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to be incentivized to make a change.

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So the way you approach this conversation determines

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how it will end.

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So if you approach it with you this and you that,

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and it feels like an attack,

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that person will go into defense mode and put their armor up

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and put their shields up because

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they’re feeling under attack.

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So the best way to approach it is talking about you

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and your feelings and how it makes you feel.

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And that’s just a matter of speech.

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’cause again, people can’t make us feel anything.

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It’s how you are feeling in response to

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what your person is saying to you.

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So when you say it this way, I feel blah, blah, blah.

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And you can maybe even make a suggestion

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and say, can I make a suggestion about how to say

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that better so that I actually feel like I can hear it?

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So you’re making a suggestion.

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I truly believe that most of us don’t intend

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to hurt anyone on purpose.

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Most of us are not horrible people.

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We’re not evil, we’re not.

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It’s a lack of knowledge, awareness, consciousness, skills.

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We don’t know better. It’s if we know better, a lot

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of times we will do better.

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Not always, but a lot of the times we will.

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And in an intimate partnership,

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this is a spiritual partnership together in your intimacy,

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you, you influence one another positively

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or negatively depending on

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what you’re doing with each other.

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But the goal of a relationship is to grow together

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and you can grow together when you make requests, um,

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of each other, um, and it feels positive

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and it feels nurturing.

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And, and the goal is to come together better than before.

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So I hope I answered that question.

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It was, we can’t control other people, but we can suggest

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and recommend and request and, and,

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and ask for what we need.

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And if we do it in a way where the,

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where it doesn’t feel like an attack, we’re more likely

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to get our needs met.

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Um, but I will say one last thing, which is when

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somebody is talking to us in a way that doesn’t feel good,

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if we don’t say something, we are allowing it.

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We are tolerating it, we are accepting it,

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and we are just as much a part of the problem

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as the person who’s doing this to us.

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So it, it cannot, you can’t,

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you will condone it by being quiet.

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You will allow it by not speaking up.

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So you have an obligation to your own self,

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your own wellbeing to your own agency

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and personhood to keep yourself safe over time.

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If this person refuses to make progress,

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and even little baby steps can feel better for you

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because it’s effort.

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Um, you’re being seen and heard

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and respected, even if it doesn’t change all the way

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effort will go a long way for you to feel okay being there.

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But over time, if it doesn’t get better,

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it may be a relationship that you, you may have

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to consider leaving and losing

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because it’s not respectful, it’s not loving.

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So I just felt like I had to say that too.

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Um, before we move on to the next question.

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Yeah, that was awesome that that hit all the points

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of the question by the way.

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Good. Okay.

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So now we’ve got one on therapy, so I’m gonna tee it up.

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Alright, this is what they say.

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Your episode on therapy was really eye-opening.

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I realized that I’ve spent years not making any progress.

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But if therapy isn’t the answer, what is?

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Hmm, good question.

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I, I think I left a few things to say about what’s better in

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that episode, but I was mostly harping on, I was,

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I was s******g all over therapy.

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Um, so couple things.

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The therapy paradigm, the therapy model really is

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too much in my opinion,

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looking backwards at why we do what we do.

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How did we get here? Why am I like this? You know?

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And pointing the finger of blame at our childhood,

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at our experiences, at our trauma,

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at the people who’ve harmed us.

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And it’s lacking actually keeping clients

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accountable and helping them take

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responsibility for themselves.

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Therapists often feel kind of like the parent who wants

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to be the kid’s friend rather than the parent

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who’s being the kid’s parent.

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You know, sometimes you have to, as a therapist, we need

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to be able to tell our clients the hard truth,

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which is you’re the problem here.

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And that doesn’t happen

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because it’s framed like therapy is in the context is

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do no harm, right?

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So make people feel better,

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but that doesn’t help people be better.

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So my answer is,

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or is, is a lot of things I now

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consider myself a recovered therapist

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and I have some people in my world who feel the same way.

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And that is to find a person,

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and I’ll tell you who that is in a minute,

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but find a person who has a different approach.

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Ideally, you will find somebody

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who is trained like a therapist, who can help

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with the deep healing can

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who understands psychology really well.

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Therapists are trained in ethical practices.

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Um, so you won’t find as many sketchy things going on

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as you will in the coaching industry.

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So find somebody who’s very well trained

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in multiple therapy, clinical modalities,

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but who has a coach approach.

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Because the coach approach is about solutions,

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it’s about action steps.

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It’s about having a path or a plan to move forward.

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Now, coaching is also a hot topic

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because that industry is not regulated at all.

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As a therapist, I have

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to have continuing education every year.

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I have to renew my license every year I have to take a code

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of ethics exam and I have to be tested and blah, blah, blah.

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It’s highly regulated.

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The coach industry is not anyone can say

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that they are a coach, anyone.

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And that’s really scary.

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You all might feel like sitting ducks and pray.

250
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I know when I’m looking for help,

251
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I have often felt like pray when I’m looking for a coach,

252
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even me who knows all of this stuff.

253
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So it can be, you can feel like, oh, a sitting duck.

254
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So when you’re looking for a coach, make sure

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that you’re asking all the right questions.

256
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And just because somebody has been able to achieve a goal

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for themselves does not make them an expert at helping other

258
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people achieve it for them.

259
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Just because you lost 50 pounds doesn’t mean you’re an

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expert in how you can help other people lose 50 pounds just

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because you were single your whole life.

262
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And finally found love does not make you an expert on love

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and relationships and intimacy.

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On the other hand, you can take a coaching

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certification program and in six months be a coach.

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And that doesn’t mean that you’re an expert either.

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It means that you took a six month coaching certification

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program and now you have a shingle

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that you can hang out outside of your door.

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So I know it sounds like I’m telling you there’s nobody you

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can trust, but that’s not true.

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You just have to do your due diligence.

273
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So if you stick in the, if you stick with the therapy route,

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make sure that your therapist has a coach approach,

275
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interview that person.

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Make sure that they are going to be an active participant

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and collaborator with you.

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They are directive, they have a plan, there’s an action,

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action oriented.

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I’m moving myself away from the problem and towards my goal.

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And that you are contracting with this person for a period

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of time, not per session until in perpetuity.

283
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It’s within three months time.

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If I come every week, these are, this is the goal

285
00:13:27.555 –> 00:13:28.715
that I would like to achieve.

286
00:13:28.775 –> 00:13:32.395
Is that doable? Do you have a plan for me? I wanna a plan.

287
00:13:33.565 –> 00:13:37.065
I’m not just going willy-nilly until I get tired of coming

288
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or until my insurance runs out,

289
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or until I have no more money and I’m no better for it.

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00:13:42.725 –> 00:13:47.585
So to recap a plan of action to move forward, somebody

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who is directive and, and

292
00:13:50.365 –> 00:13:51.625
and collaborative in nature,

293
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who will put the mirror in front of your face,

294
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even if it’s a little hard for you to look into it,

295
00:13:56.545 –> 00:13:57.545
they will do it anyway

296
00:13:57.545 –> 00:13:59.745
because that’s what you need to move forward.

297
00:14:00.265 –> 00:14:03.545
Somebody who’s not afraid of that, um, and, and,

298
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and to contract for a period of time,

299
00:14:07.265 –> 00:14:08.525
be your own best advocate.

300
00:14:09.365 –> 00:14:10.825
Be your own best advocate here.

301
00:14:11.165 –> 00:14:14.465
And, and you know, we, we, we, we all deserve to work

302
00:14:14.465 –> 00:14:16.955
with the best for us.

303
00:14:17.585 –> 00:14:19.795
When I have an issue, I want a specialist.

304
00:14:19.875 –> 00:14:22.795
I wanna go to the person who knows this one thing the best.

305
00:14:23.825 –> 00:14:25.755
Hire the best. You all deserve the best.

306
00:14:26.745 –> 00:14:28.525
And and you won’t know who that is for you

307
00:14:28.545 –> 00:14:30.085
unless you’re willing to ask the tough

308
00:14:30.325 –> 00:14:31.405
questions and interview them.

309
00:14:32.265 –> 00:14:33.565
And, and, and if you don’t like their

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00:14:33.565 –> 00:14:34.605
answers, they’re not your person.

311
00:14:35.995 –> 00:14:39.335
Um, but the goal is to always move away from the problem

312
00:14:39.395 –> 00:14:41.935
and solve the problem, not to stay in it.

313
00:14:43.115 –> 00:14:45.855
And, and we get all very used to having the problem.

314
00:14:46.115 –> 00:14:48.655
We end up identifying with having the problem

315
00:14:49.235 –> 00:14:52.525
to be a lifelong therapy goer, to be a self-help junkie.

316
00:14:52.525 –> 00:14:55.405
People have literally said that as if they’re proud of it.

317
00:14:55.425 –> 00:14:57.165
And I’m like, don’t you wanna solve the problem

318
00:14:57.305 –> 00:14:58.325
and go live your life?

319
00:14:59.065 –> 00:15:01.805
So that should really be the goal behind any time

320
00:15:01.805 –> 00:15:04.245
that you’re, you’re looking for a professional person

321
00:15:04.265 –> 00:15:06.725
to help you solve a problem or achieve a goal.

322
00:15:09.635 –> 00:15:11.565
That was great. Yay.

323
00:15:12.785 –> 00:15:15.835
Okay. Oh boy. Alright, here we go.

324
00:15:17.175 –> 00:15:20.835
Ooh, you were describing me to a t This person is responding

325
00:15:20.835 –> 00:15:23.315
to our episode about high achieving women

326
00:15:23.335 –> 00:15:24.675
who struggle to find love.

327
00:15:25.175 –> 00:15:26.875
So she says, you were describing me

328
00:15:26.875 –> 00:15:29.595
to a TI am super successful and accomplished,

329
00:15:29.695 –> 00:15:31.595
but my love life is in shambles

330
00:15:31.615 –> 00:15:34.275
and it causes me so much shame and embarrassment.

331
00:15:34.975 –> 00:15:37.475
How do I quote unquote, get over myself

332
00:15:37.575 –> 00:15:40.115
and find love if I truly am the problem?

333
00:15:40.935 –> 00:15:42.915
Ooh. Well, kudos.

334
00:15:43.195 –> 00:15:46.315
I mean, honestly, I know that episode is kind of hard.

335
00:15:46.385 –> 00:15:49.955
It’s like, woo, the truth just being delivered on a platter.

336
00:15:50.215 –> 00:15:52.075
So good for you for seeing yourself in

337
00:15:52.075 –> 00:15:53.395
that it’s not always easy to do

338
00:15:53.455 –> 00:15:54.475
and you already have begun

339
00:15:54.475 –> 00:15:56.035
to get over yourself as you put it.

340
00:15:57.155 –> 00:15:59.435
I would never say that, but like, you know,

341
00:15:59.435 –> 00:16:00.835
we all have to get over ourselves.

342
00:16:01.015 –> 00:16:05.635
And, and to me, the first part of all of this is recognizing

343
00:16:05.635 –> 00:16:07.195
that you are the problem.

344
00:16:08.095 –> 00:16:09.395
You’ve heard me say it before.

345
00:16:09.495 –> 00:16:10.755
Now at this point, hopefully,

346
00:16:10.775 –> 00:16:13.115
if this isn’t your first episode, um,

347
00:16:13.545 –> 00:16:17.915
that it’s the bitter pill to swallow that we are the problem

348
00:16:18.495 –> 00:16:21.675
in our lives when something’s not working, it’s always us,

349
00:16:22.095 –> 00:16:23.995
but that’s also the magic pill.

350
00:16:24.735 –> 00:16:27.235
At the same time, if you’re willing to swallow it down,

351
00:16:27.235 –> 00:16:29.195
because then you are the solution.

352
00:16:30.095 –> 00:16:34.915
So it’s really about just being willing to say to yourself,

353
00:16:35.455 –> 00:16:36.955
how am I getting in my own way?

354
00:16:38.325 –> 00:16:39.985
How am I getting in my own way here?

355
00:16:40.655 –> 00:16:44.625
Your zone of genius might be whatever it is

356
00:16:44.625 –> 00:16:46.785
that you do at your job that makes you so good at it.

357
00:16:48.085 –> 00:16:49.545
You are so good at those things.

358
00:16:49.765 –> 00:16:52.385
You are so good at lots of things in your life.

359
00:16:52.805 –> 00:16:55.705
It could just potentially be that you’re just not that great

360
00:16:56.565 –> 00:17:00.145
at dating, at intimacy, at relationships.

361
00:17:00.315 –> 00:17:01.865
We’re not all good at everything.

362
00:17:02.525 –> 00:17:05.545
But in your career, if you weren’t good at certain skillset,

363
00:17:05.765 –> 00:17:07.025
you wouldn’t just settle for that.

364
00:17:07.085 –> 00:17:08.305
You would go figure it out.

365
00:17:08.305 –> 00:17:10.625
You would hire somebody, get a mentor, take a class,

366
00:17:11.285 –> 00:17:12.985
you know, get some coaching around that.

367
00:17:13.725 –> 00:17:16.465
You wouldn’t just cruise forward

368
00:17:17.245 –> 00:17:19.945
and settle for not knowing what you’re doing in your career.

369
00:17:20.905 –> 00:17:22.345
A lot of people do this,

370
00:17:22.725 –> 00:17:24.865
we all do this actually as a society.

371
00:17:25.475 –> 00:17:26.785
Money, parenting

372
00:17:26.965 –> 00:17:30.025
and relationships are the three areas that I can think

373
00:17:30.025 –> 00:17:32.585
of off the top of my head where we are expected

374
00:17:32.605 –> 00:17:35.625
to be successful, but are given zero education around it.

375
00:17:37.105 –> 00:17:40.555
None. We are not taught in school how

376
00:17:40.555 –> 00:17:41.795
to have great relationships.

377
00:17:42.435 –> 00:17:44.395
Starting with the one with ourself, how to manage our mind

378
00:17:44.395 –> 00:17:45.515
and how to have good mental health

379
00:17:45.695 –> 00:17:48.435
and how to take care of ourselves and how to communicate

380
00:17:48.435 –> 00:17:50.285
and how to, we’re not taught these things.

381
00:17:50.735 –> 00:17:52.925
Oftentimes our model sucks.

382
00:17:53.145 –> 00:17:55.845
We most of us learn what we don’t want from our family

383
00:17:55.945 –> 00:17:59.085
and our primary home growing up, um,

384
00:17:59.085 –> 00:18:00.205
rather than what we do want.

385
00:18:01.225 –> 00:18:03.205
And so we’re just kind of fumbling around trying

386
00:18:03.205 –> 00:18:04.445
to feel our way around in the dark.

387
00:18:04.945 –> 00:18:05.965
And so,

388
00:18:07.065 –> 00:18:08.085
but we wouldn’t settle

389
00:18:08.185 –> 00:18:10.605
for not having the answers in other areas of our lives

390
00:18:10.745 –> 00:18:12.125
and expect to be successful.

391
00:18:12.125 –> 00:18:13.485
But we do that in relationships.

392
00:18:13.985 –> 00:18:16.685
So for me, I would not be here right now.

393
00:18:17.595 –> 00:18:20.045
There’s no way in hell I would be here right now on this

394
00:18:20.045 –> 00:18:21.485
podcast answering these questions.

395
00:18:21.825 –> 00:18:23.725
And having helped all the people in my life

396
00:18:23.725 –> 00:18:26.325
that I’ve helped, if I had not first gotten myself the help

397
00:18:26.325 –> 00:18:28.615
that I needed, I just wouldn’t.

398
00:18:29.295 –> 00:18:30.395
And there’s no shame in that.

399
00:18:30.535 –> 00:18:33.755
We all need help in the areas that we just aren’t naturally

400
00:18:34.965 –> 00:18:37.525
talented or naturally aware or conscious.

401
00:18:37.585 –> 00:18:38.925
It just doesn’t come naturally.

402
00:18:39.785 –> 00:18:41.685
Um, so being willing to look in the mirror

403
00:18:41.685 –> 00:18:43.325
and asking, what is it that I’m doing here?

404
00:18:43.505 –> 00:18:48.205
And I’ll oftentimes it’s for, as I talked about in the, in

405
00:18:48.205 –> 00:18:50.325
that episode, it’s a self-worth issue.

406
00:18:50.835 –> 00:18:53.165
It’s a not loving self, not accepting self,

407
00:18:53.305 –> 00:18:54.325
not feeling valuable

408
00:18:54.325 –> 00:18:57.645
or good enough at the deepest part that is the core issue.

409
00:18:58.225 –> 00:19:00.485
And when and when, and you have this core issue,

410
00:19:00.745 –> 00:19:02.645
and it’s like our subconscious fears

411
00:19:02.645 –> 00:19:05.405
and beliefs that creates the nether.

412
00:19:05.405 –> 00:19:07.285
Uh, the next layer. It’s the middle layer.

413
00:19:07.345 –> 00:19:11.445
And that is showing up in our relationships with, uh, fear,

414
00:19:11.895 –> 00:19:16.805
doubt, insecurity, questioning self, um, feeling, um,

415
00:19:17.505 –> 00:19:19.045
scared, feeling ambivalent,

416
00:19:19.265 –> 00:19:20.725
or you want it and you don’t at the same time.

417
00:19:20.725 –> 00:19:22.525
So it’s our emotional state

418
00:19:22.905 –> 00:19:25.925
and our energetic vibration with

419
00:19:26.025 –> 00:19:27.685
how we approach our relationships.

420
00:19:28.185 –> 00:19:31.045
And then on the surface, the outer layer is

421
00:19:31.045 –> 00:19:33.205
what you’re running into and what you’re experiencing.

422
00:19:33.275 –> 00:19:34.885
It’s dating men who aren’t at your level.

423
00:19:34.915 –> 00:19:36.365
It’s dating women who aren’t healthy.

424
00:19:37.035 –> 00:19:39.605
It’s, you know, staying too long in relationships

425
00:19:39.605 –> 00:19:40.605
that aren’t good for you.

426
00:19:40.755 –> 00:19:42.565
It’s finding nobody that you’re attracted to.

427
00:19:42.635 –> 00:19:44.845
It’s what it looks like you’re experiencing on

428
00:19:44.845 –> 00:19:45.885
the outer surface.

429
00:19:46.915 –> 00:19:49.285
It’s all, it’s a multi-layered issue

430
00:19:49.595 –> 00:19:52.525
because human psychology and relationships are complex.

431
00:19:52.915 –> 00:19:54.085
It’s not just one thing.

432
00:19:55.105 –> 00:19:57.285
So please, please don’t just go hire a matchmaker.

433
00:19:57.675 –> 00:19:59.605
That s**t doesn’t work. One

434
00:19:59.725 –> 00:20:02.645
of our clients in Ready For Love, one of our VIP clients

435
00:20:03.345 –> 00:20:04.645
had such a successful company

436
00:20:04.645 –> 00:20:06.845
that she was featured on the show, undercover Boss.

437
00:20:07.625 –> 00:20:10.045
She paid $80,000 to a matchmaker

438
00:20:10.145 –> 00:20:11.565
and was still getting ghosted.

439
00:20:13.035 –> 00:20:15.655
So it’s not just get a matchmaker, it’s

440
00:20:15.835 –> 00:20:16.935
how are you showing up?

441
00:20:17.515 –> 00:20:19.055
And, and for this person

442
00:20:19.115 –> 00:20:20.975
who submitted this question, thank you.

443
00:20:21.885 –> 00:20:24.655
It’s not just finding the right person, it’s

444
00:20:24.655 –> 00:20:26.815
who are you being and

445
00:20:26.835 –> 00:20:29.655
how are you showing up when you’re out there trying

446
00:20:29.715 –> 00:20:32.135
to have this relationship and attract your person?

447
00:20:33.665 –> 00:20:35.125
And I highly recommend ready for love.

448
00:20:35.125 –> 00:20:38.045
It’s the best on the planet if I do say so myself.

449
00:20:40.195 –> 00:20:41.725
Yeah, thanks for that question.

450
00:20:43.535 –> 00:20:48.405
So, okay, it looks like we’re going back to narcissism.

451
00:20:49.025 –> 00:20:50.765
So this is a pretty vulnerable question.

452
00:20:51.025 –> 00:20:53.805
So somebody wrote in and asked

453
00:20:54.105 –> 00:20:57.645
or just said, I realize even more now that I need

454
00:20:57.645 –> 00:21:00.045
to take more responsibility for my actions

455
00:21:00.105 –> 00:21:01.125
or lack of actions

456
00:21:01.585 –> 00:21:04.525
and how this has contributed to my situation.

457
00:21:05.075 –> 00:21:09.205
However, I also wonder if someone is being quite emotionally

458
00:21:09.205 –> 00:21:12.405
abusive, critical, dismissive, invalidating,

459
00:21:12.465 –> 00:21:15.165
and tries to make you feel guilty as a form of control.

460
00:21:15.505 –> 00:21:18.325
It is so hard to stand up for yourself and speak out.

461
00:21:18.745 –> 00:21:20.285
How in the world do I do this?

462
00:21:21.025 –> 00:21:25.215
Oh my gosh, we need to edit

463
00:21:25.215 –> 00:21:28.815
because somebody’s pulling up

464
00:21:28.815 –> 00:21:30.095
and I’m afraid my dog’s gonna bark.

465
00:21:30.235 –> 00:21:32.735
So I was, wait, I was like holding my breath

466
00:21:32.735 –> 00:21:34.095
and hoping that, hold on.

467
00:21:34.175 –> 00:21:34.615
I just wanna,

468
00:21:46.635 –> 00:21:49.795
I closed the windows, so hopefully she won’t see, uh,

469
00:21:49.895 –> 00:21:50.915
now she just stood up and

470
00:21:50.915 –> 00:21:52.075
she’s looking through the curtains.

471
00:21:52.765 –> 00:21:53.795
She’s like, what?

472
00:21:55.375 –> 00:21:59.865
Um, okay, so I need

473
00:21:59.865 –> 00:22:01.985
to take responsibility for myself, but,

474
00:22:03.295 –> 00:22:05.195
But how do I do it when I’m being,

475
00:22:05.745 –> 00:22:07.435
when someone is being emotionally abusive,

476
00:22:07.875 –> 00:22:09.195
critical dismissive and validating

477
00:22:09.195 –> 00:22:11.555
and makes me feel guilty as a form of control?

478
00:22:12.215 –> 00:22:16.925
Oh my gosh. Okay, well, so the good news in this question,

479
00:22:17.115 –> 00:22:19.725
even though it sounds horrible, is

480
00:22:19.725 –> 00:22:21.125
that you are aware of this now.

481
00:22:21.705 –> 00:22:23.525
You see this behavior

482
00:22:24.345 –> 00:22:26.885
and you see it as a way to control you.

483
00:22:27.745 –> 00:22:30.845
And this might sound like very simplified,

484
00:22:31.845 –> 00:22:34.025
but you have to decide that you’re not controllable.

485
00:22:34.865 –> 00:22:39.035
Like this person does not get to control you.

486
00:22:39.535 –> 00:22:41.995
You are a sovereign individual

487
00:22:42.705 –> 00:22:45.195
with autonomy in your life.

488
00:22:45.495 –> 00:22:49.945
You have dominion. So this is not

489
00:22:50.495 –> 00:22:51.865
like this is a decision.

490
00:22:52.885 –> 00:22:54.585
It is 100% a decision,

491
00:22:55.205 –> 00:22:59.105
and you have to decide that you’re gonna get your own back

492
00:22:59.765 –> 00:23:02.385
and do what you need to do to take care of you.

493
00:23:03.255 –> 00:23:06.025
This person is, we had

494
00:23:06.025 –> 00:23:09.305
that earlier question about gaslighting and whatnot.

495
00:23:09.805 –> 00:23:13.945
It, this sounds worse. This sounds almost like abuse.

496
00:23:15.005 –> 00:23:19.595
And this is 100% like a

497
00:23:19.835 –> 00:23:21.995
dangerous situation because when it gets that bad,

498
00:23:22.015 –> 00:23:23.355
it usually starts escalating.

499
00:23:25.255 –> 00:23:26.755
And, and so I’m not,

500
00:23:27.495 –> 00:23:30.115
I’m not without empathy here I am, I am.

501
00:23:30.115 –> 00:23:32.115
This is the coach approach, okay?

502
00:23:32.115 –> 00:23:34.155
This is the coach approach I was just talking about,

503
00:23:35.195 –> 00:23:36.485
what are you gonna do about it?

504
00:23:37.885 –> 00:23:40.895
What are you going to do about it?

505
00:23:41.595 –> 00:23:45.025
Up until now, you’ve been maybe biting your tongue,

506
00:23:45.515 –> 00:23:49.765
looking the other way, cowering, allowing,

507
00:23:50.335 –> 00:23:53.365
tolerating, not speaking up, not getting your own back.

508
00:23:53.385 –> 00:23:55.405
And maybe that’s because this person is scary,

509
00:23:56.575 –> 00:23:59.635
but you’re still here continuing to allow it.

510
00:24:00.695 –> 00:24:04.635
So what is it that you need to do to get your own back

511
00:24:04.655 –> 00:24:06.755
and keep yourself safe and be your own best friend

512
00:24:06.775 –> 00:24:08.995
and not self betray and not selfa abandon.

513
00:24:12.125 –> 00:24:13.825
You know, like this is bordering something

514
00:24:13.825 –> 00:24:16.145
that sounds a little bit scary to me in my opinion.

515
00:24:16.285 –> 00:24:18.305
It, it, it just, from what I’ve heard in the past,

516
00:24:18.885 –> 00:24:19.985
if this is all that it is,

517
00:24:20.255 –> 00:24:21.985
it’s bad enough, but it could get worse.

518
00:24:22.805 –> 00:24:24.465
And before it gets worse, like

519
00:24:24.585 –> 00:24:26.305
what happens is over time when you’re with somebody

520
00:24:26.305 –> 00:24:28.545
who treats you this way, it eats away at your soul.

521
00:24:29.125 –> 00:24:31.105
And it just, it’s kinda like acid erosion.

522
00:24:31.285 –> 00:24:33.065
Before you know it, you’re just not the

523
00:24:33.065 –> 00:24:34.305
strong person that you were.

524
00:24:34.405 –> 00:24:36.625
You doubt yourself, they steal your reality

525
00:24:37.245 –> 00:24:38.625
and you don’t really know that

526
00:24:38.625 –> 00:24:41.185
what you’re thinking is real anymore.

527
00:24:42.085 –> 00:24:44.265
Um, it’s, it’s abuse.

528
00:24:45.595 –> 00:24:47.975
So the only thing I can say in this situation

529
00:24:48.075 –> 00:24:49.255
is to get the f**k out.

530
00:24:50.725 –> 00:24:53.545
Get the f**k out, period.

531
00:24:54.445 –> 00:24:58.125
And, and it, you know, it doesn’t have to be

532
00:24:58.125 –> 00:24:59.365
as hard as people make it out to be.

533
00:25:00.105 –> 00:25:04.805
It doesn’t, there are a lot of resources for this, a lot

534
00:25:05.545 –> 00:25:10.325
use them, but we accept what we’re willing to tolerate.

535
00:25:11.065 –> 00:25:14.285
We accept and tolerate what we think we deserve.

536
00:25:14.875 –> 00:25:17.965
This is a self-worth issue for the person

537
00:25:17.985 –> 00:25:20.325
who submitted this question without a doubt.

538
00:25:21.485 –> 00:25:24.945
And, and the thing is, until you

539
00:25:25.125 –> 00:25:27.025
and all people who are in a similar

540
00:25:27.545 –> 00:25:31.225
situation do the work on themselves, it’s going to repeat.

541
00:25:32.275 –> 00:25:34.585
It will repeat, it will.

542
00:25:35.955 –> 00:25:37.735
So this person sounds horrible.

543
00:25:38.995 –> 00:25:41.375
He or she must take responsibility for themselves,

544
00:25:41.375 –> 00:25:42.935
which they most likely will not.

545
00:25:44.315 –> 00:25:46.295
But that’s not your problem. What is your problem?

546
00:25:46.355 –> 00:25:48.015
Is you taking responsibility for you.

547
00:25:49.325 –> 00:25:51.785
And if you don’t do the work on you to get healthy

548
00:25:51.885 –> 00:25:54.745
and strong and restore your sense of self

549
00:25:54.845 –> 00:25:57.985
and become centered and self-centered in yourself,

550
00:25:58.605 –> 00:26:00.265
you may leave this relationship only

551
00:26:00.265 –> 00:26:01.625
to find yourself in another one.

552
00:26:01.625 –> 00:26:05.975
Doesn like it. So you, you have

553
00:26:05.975 –> 00:26:07.455
to do this work on yourself.

554
00:26:07.875 –> 00:26:09.575
You just do said, with all the love

555
00:26:10.665 –> 00:26:13.305
that I have, I’m just straight talk.

556
00:26:13.335 –> 00:26:15.665
Like I’m just, it’s, I’m a straight shooter.

557
00:26:16.115 –> 00:26:17.865
We’re gonna solve the solvable problems here.

558
00:26:18.315 –> 00:26:20.505
We’re not gonna, like the therapy model will have this

559
00:26:20.505 –> 00:26:25.025
person languishing in this and enabling a victim mentality

560
00:26:25.085 –> 00:26:26.865
and poor you and you don’t deserve that.

561
00:26:26.865 –> 00:26:27.945
And they’re a horrible person.

562
00:26:28.045 –> 00:26:32.005
But that does nothing to change the situation at all.

563
00:26:33.115 –> 00:26:36.095
And it does nothing to prevent the another relationship like

564
00:26:36.095 –> 00:26:37.295
this from happening down the road.

565
00:26:38.465 –> 00:26:41.365
The only way we can ensure that that doesn’t happen again is

566
00:26:41.385 –> 00:26:43.285
by seeing how we are contributing.

567
00:26:43.905 –> 00:26:45.405
How are we co-creating this?

568
00:26:45.505 –> 00:26:46.885
How are we inviting this dynamic

569
00:26:47.465 –> 00:26:51.165
and to promise ourselves we’ll never f*****g do it again.

570
00:26:52.325 –> 00:26:55.635
Never. That’s what has to happen.

571
00:26:58.145 –> 00:26:59.145
Love.

572
00:27:01.555 –> 00:27:02.925
That was so good. I love

573
00:27:02.925 –> 00:27:05.405
how you tied the narcissism episode

574
00:27:05.865 –> 00:27:08.685
and with the other episodes and with the therapy episode

575
00:27:08.785 –> 00:27:12.285
and brought it all back into the overall philosophy of being

576
00:27:12.525 –> 00:27:13.525
Centered. There is, there

577
00:27:13.525 –> 00:27:15.285
is a method to my madness sometimes.

578
00:27:17.625 –> 00:27:18.965
It was awesome. That was so great

579
00:27:19.025 –> 00:27:22.205
and it’s so empowering to be able to really lean into that.

580
00:27:23.575 –> 00:27:24.825
Yeah, I mean, that’s my goal.

581
00:27:24.825 –> 00:27:27.305
Like, I’m not an ass kicker just

582
00:27:27.305 –> 00:27:28.585
for the sake of kicking ass.

583
00:27:28.905 –> 00:27:30.425
I really am the champion.

584
00:27:31.385 –> 00:27:32.865
I am everybody’s biggest cheerleader.

585
00:27:33.225 –> 00:27:36.985
I I want for everyone to just live up

586
00:27:36.985 –> 00:27:38.665
to their own fullest potential

587
00:27:38.665 –> 00:27:41.025
and to get what it is that they want and, and,

588
00:27:41.085 –> 00:27:43.825
and like look, Serena Williams is the best female tennis

589
00:27:43.825 –> 00:27:45.585
player in the world and she still has a coach.

590
00:27:45.585 –> 00:27:48.345
And I bet her coach tells her what to do and not to do,

591
00:27:48.365 –> 00:27:49.865
and hey, what do you knock that off?

592
00:27:49.865 –> 00:27:51.225
Stop that. You know, like whatever.

593
00:27:51.365 –> 00:27:53.145
And we all need

594
00:27:53.145 –> 00:27:56.595
that person in our lives, you know?

595
00:27:57.295 –> 00:27:59.435
And you know that her coach wants her to win.

596
00:28:00.295 –> 00:28:04.995
She doesn’t doubt that. Ever doubt. I hope not.

597
00:28:05.255 –> 00:28:07.685
So that’s, that’s

598
00:28:07.685 –> 00:28:10.995
where I’m coming from. Yeah.

599
00:28:11.805 –> 00:28:14.575
Alright. Any more, any more questions? That’s

600
00:28:14.575 –> 00:28:15.855
What, that’s all we’ve got for

601
00:28:15.855 –> 00:28:16.855
Today. Okay.

602
00:28:16.855 –> 00:28:20.335
Okay. Well that was so fun. I like these Q and as.

603
00:28:20.535 –> 00:28:22.175
I think we should just definitely keep doing them.

604
00:28:22.315 –> 00:28:26.135
So what that means is we need your questions.

605
00:28:26.555 –> 00:28:30.415
So as I’m doing these episodes on a variety of topics,

606
00:28:31.035 –> 00:28:33.175
always bringing it back to the self-centered,

607
00:28:33.975 –> 00:28:36.455
flipping the script, being a bit of a disruptor,

608
00:28:36.455 –> 00:28:40.015
being a s**t disturber as I am looking at all

609
00:28:40.075 –> 00:28:43.175
of the commonly held beliefs that are holding us back

610
00:28:43.315 –> 00:28:45.855
and limiting us from our biggest fullest potential,

611
00:28:46.575 –> 00:28:48.655
challenging the mainstreaming convention.

612
00:28:48.795 –> 00:28:51.415
As we’re having all of these conversations about all these

613
00:28:51.415 –> 00:28:53.815
areas of our lives, I wanna hear from you.

614
00:28:54.165 –> 00:28:56.015
What am I missing? What did I leave out?

615
00:28:56.675 –> 00:28:58.695
Put your voice in the room. What are your questions?

616
00:28:58.765 –> 00:29:01.175
What do I, what do you want me to explain more of?

617
00:29:01.595 –> 00:29:02.615
Submit your questions.

618
00:29:02.725 –> 00:29:04.415
That is something for subscribers only.

619
00:29:04.675 –> 00:29:07.015
So if you have not yet subscribed, please go

620
00:29:07.015 –> 00:29:09.335
to hillary silver.com/podcast.

621
00:29:09.955 –> 00:29:12.215
At the bottom of the page, there is the place

622
00:29:12.215 –> 00:29:15.175
where you can nominate and put a question there.

623
00:29:15.675 –> 00:29:17.215
Um, you can also reply to any

624
00:29:17.215 –> 00:29:19.095
of our emails if you’re on our email list,

625
00:29:19.255 –> 00:29:21.455
which you can subscribe to on our website as well.

626
00:29:22.195 –> 00:29:25.255
Um, and most, most importantly, don’t forget to rate

627
00:29:25.275 –> 00:29:26.535
and review our podcast.

628
00:29:26.875 –> 00:29:29.855
It just tells the algorithm, Hey, I like this.

629
00:29:30.265 –> 00:29:32.055
Let’s keep this going. More of this.

630
00:29:32.055 –> 00:29:34.135
Please let more people find out that we’re here.

631
00:29:34.795 –> 00:29:37.455
Um, that is really, truly the best way for us to grow.

632
00:29:37.835 –> 00:29:40.015
So thank you in advance for doing that

633
00:29:40.155 –> 00:29:41.455
and I’ll see you guys next time.

634
00:29:45.315 –> 00:29:46.005
It’s funny, I keep things.

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