Episode 12

Chasing Closure

In this week’s episode, Hilary dives into the often misunderstood concept of closure in relationships.
17 min.

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Show Notes

In this week’s episode, Hilary dives into the often misunderstood concept of closure in relationships. She explores why seeking closure from others can be unfulfilling and emphasizes the empowerment found in self-given closure. This episode is a must-listen for anyone struggling with unresolved feelings from past relationships. Hilary encourages listeners to reclaim power over their emotional well-being by fostering self-awareness and internal closure, rather than depending on external validation.

In this episode, you’ll learn...

Episode Highlights:
  • The illusion of closure from others and the power of self-closure.
  • Practical advice on handling feelings of rejection and inadequacy.
  • Real-life examples demonstrating the importance of internal resolution.
Episode Breakdown:
00:00-01:00 Introduction to the topic of closure and its personal significance.
01:00-05:00 Discussion on common reasons relationships end unexpectedly and the natural quest for closure.
05:00-10:00 Analysis of why waiting for closure from others can be detrimental and the importance of taking control of your own emotional responses
10:00-15:00 How self-awareness and acceptance play critical roles in personal healing and closure.
15:00-16:08 Conclusion with encouragement for listeners to reflect on their own experiences and find personal closure.
Listener Takeaways:
  • Closure is something you can give yourself; it does not need to be granted by someone else.
  • Understanding your role in past relationships can help you move forward more effectively.
  • Embracing your personal truths and experiences can lead to significant emotional empowerment and freedom.

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The best way to get closure is always

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to give it to yourself.

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Take the power back

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and give it to yourself by deciding it doesn’t really matter

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what this person is saying,

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and you’re not giving yourself enough credit

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for knowing what you know.

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Hi, it’s Hilary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast.

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Hi everyone. Thanks for joining the conversation today.

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Today we are talking about closure.

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And I love talking about this topic

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because every single one of us, all of you listening,

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and myself and everybody out there,

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we’ve all been in situations in our lives

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where a relationship has ended, not by our own doing.

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Whether that is a friendship that faded

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or a re romantic partner who ghosted us, um,

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or even a professional relationship

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or an acquaintance that just kind of disappeared on us,

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that can often leave us feeling like,

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oh my God, what happened?

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And it doesn’t feel very good.

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So today’s conversation, I’m going

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to be talking about all the reasons why it doesn’t serve us

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to chase after closure and what we need to do instead.

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That is so much more fulfilling and empowering

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and helpful for all of us.

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Before we get into the conversation, I want to remind you

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to please rate, review, and subscribe.

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That tells the algorithm, yes, please, more of this, please.

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And it will circulate us out into the stratosphere

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and send more people our way so

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that we can be found by everybody.

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Um, okay, so without further ado,

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let’s get into the conversation today.

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I’m going to start off by talking about why it sucks so bad

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when this happens to us.

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Um, when somebody decides on their own doing

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that, they no longer want to be in a relationship with us.

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They don’t want to be our friend anymore.

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They don’t really wanna engage with us anymore.

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They’re not our, they’re not gonna be in love

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with us anymore, whatever it is.

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When they disappear

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and they ghost, it’s kind of like

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the trail just goes cold on a mystery.

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It feels again, well,

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where the world clo word closure comes from.

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It’s a circle that’s not closed and it’s unsettling

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and it doesn’t feel good at all.

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Especially if you thought everything was

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going along just fine.

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It can feel really, um,

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like I call it the breakup blind side, when it, you just,

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you’re just have no idea where that, that, that,

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that was coming at all.

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Um, why it feels so bad is obviously what I just said,

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that it’s, it’s, um, an unanswered question,

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but deep down it triggers us to that place

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where we don’t feel good enough.

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It triggers the rejection button in us.

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Was I not good enough? Didn’t they like me?

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I wasn’t likable, they didn’t like me.

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I wasn’t funny enough or smart enough

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or interesting enough or something enough.

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When somebody decides they don’t wanna be with us anymore,

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if we aren’t, um, centered in ourselves,

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we can take it as a rejection.

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And that just sucks.

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And not having the answers as to why

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feels really bad, doesn’t it?

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So I’m gonna lay out all the reasons why it doesn’t serve us

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to chase after closure.

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Um, and the first is,

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you may never get it if you’re waiting for this other person

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to tell you what was going on with them,

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their point of view, their perspective,

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what they were thinking

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or feeling, so that you can then move on,

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that you might be waiting forever.

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You might be waiting forever, waiting for somebody else

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to give you answers.

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Means you might be waiting forever.

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And, and that’s no good because I’ve heard clients

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and people stewing in the mystery of this for years,

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not feeling like they can move on.

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Um, and that’s extreme, but it can happen.

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Um, and even just even weeks is too long

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to feel like you’re waiting to move on with your life to

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that you can’t move forward until you get some

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external validation, external answer about your life,

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your fate, your destiny, your future, your happiness.

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We don’t ever wanna put our own wellbeing in somebody else’s

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hands, and that’s what seeking Closure does.

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So you might be waiting forever, um,

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and to go, what goes along with that is

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that you’re putting it in somebody else’s hands.

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Like, oh my God, I don’t want somebody

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to be at the wheel of my life.

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I wanna be at the wheel of my life.

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I don’t wanna be in the backseat of,

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of a car being a backseat passenger

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and somebody else’s driving in my life.

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No, I don’t want that. And I don’t want that for any of you.

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It’s a powerless feeling. It’s a horrible feeling, in fact.

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So the next reason why it’s not good to chase

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and seek closure from somebody else is that

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what you’re doing is you’re saying this person’s point

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of view or experience

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or perspective is so important to me,

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almost more important than my own.

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You’re not realizing that, that you’re doing that,

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but you’re saying, I need to know from this person

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what they think and feel and need and want

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or what they were experiencing is.

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So you’re giving it so much value that by doing so,

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you’re devaluing your own.

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And if you were to ever get an answer from this person,

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if you were ever to granted a conversation, you may

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only be hearing and you will be only hearing

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their point of view.

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You are saying it’s the truth.

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I wanna know the truth about what happened.

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What, but what you’re not getting is the truth.

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You are getting their truth, their side of the story.

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And while they may give that to you, two things

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you may not know that what they’re saying

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to you is the truth that they’re saying anyway.

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They may just be telling you something, lip service

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to make you feel better.

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They’re avoiding conflict.

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They don’t wanna make you feel bad.

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So they’re just kind of glossing over it,

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and they’re saying what they need to say

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to avoid the hot seat.

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So what they’re telling you may not even really be the truth

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for them, but they’re just making it easier on themselves.

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Or they’re trying to, you know, avoid making you feel bad.

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So is it really the truth that you’ve been seeking?

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Maybe not even if you do get an answer for the, from them

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and it feels okay, that feels like the truth.

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Sure, I can see your point of view.

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It may not feel as good as you think it’s going to feel.

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Getting that information

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and getting, getting the information from them about

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what was going on from their point of view

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may often actually make it worse for you

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because you feel impotent

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to change the past.

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If they’re saying, well, this was happening,

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and you know, all you can do is apologize,

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you can’t go back in time and change any of that.

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So what we need to do instead is recognize

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the difference between their truth,

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your truth, and the truth.

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And the best way to get closure is always

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to give it to yourself.

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Take the power back

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and give it to yourself by deciding it doesn’t really matter

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what this person is saying.

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It doesn’t really matter what this person is thinking.

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You may never find out.

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And even if they tell you it may not satisfy you

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or it may not be the truth, we won’t know.

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But what matters more is what you know.

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And you’re not giving yourself enough credit

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for knowing what you know.

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It’s true. Closure is an illusion that you are chasing

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after if you’re chasing it from someone else.

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Giving yourself the closure that you need

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is the most empowering thing you can do.

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And the way you do that are two, is two things.

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There’s two ways to do this, and they go together.

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The first is to get really brutally honest

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with yourself about what was going on in that relationship

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at the time that you were in it.

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My guess is that you already knew.

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You knew at the time that that relationship was happening.

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Something wasn’t right,

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something was off between the two of you.

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Something was off with that person.

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Something is was off with you.

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And the only, the the most powerful thing you can do here,

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the most liberating thing you can do here,

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liberate yourself, is to to be honest about

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how you were showing up in that relationship.

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I’m gonna give an example in a minute,

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but the second part of that is even if you look back into

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that relationship and you don’t see it, you still get

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to decide for yourself why it ended.

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You get to make the meaning out of that.

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So the story that I wanna share with you is,

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could be anybody’s story.

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This is a true story,

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but oh my gosh, it’s, it’s so generalized that,

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that it’s universal ev it fits for everyone.

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So years and years ago,

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before I even met my husband, I was dating a guy

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and he decided he didn’t wanna

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continue the relationship with me.

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He didn’t ghost me,

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but he just kind of gave me a little bit of like, oh,

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you know, it’s, there’s something missing.

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It’s not working. That’s all I got.

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And it really wasn’t satisfying for me

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to hear that I wanted in noble.

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Why? Well, why? Well, what was missing? What was I doing?

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Was I not good enough? What was the blah, blah, blah, all of

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that, right?

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You can relate. I’m sure we’ve all been there.

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And it took me a while of beating up on myself.

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Why was I not good enough? Was I not pretty enough

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or thin enough or active enough or this enough

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or that enough or whatever, enough

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for this guy to wanna be with me?

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We’ve all been there. And at one point

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it just dawned on me that, holy s**t,

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it doesn’t f*****g matter.

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It doesn’t matter what he thinks about

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why he needed to end this relationship.

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What matters is what I know

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and what I tell myself about why the relationship matters.

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And I was, I decided to just be honest with myself

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about that relationship.

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And what I saw about that

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and what I saw in myself was

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that I knew he wasn’t for me.

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I knew all along he was not my person,

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and this was not my relationship,

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and it was never gonna work.

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So how I was showing up in

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that relationship was pretty half-assed.

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I was not full whole showing

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up my best self.

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I was not the best partner I was.

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I was half in and half out, half-assed, half-hearted.

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And that is what I decided to focus on.

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Well, it makes sense that he wanted to break up with me

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because look what I was, who I was being in

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that relationship, that

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relationship, I would break up with me.

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How many of you can think back on a relationship

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where you got ghosted or where you got dumped

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or broken up with and it felt like s**t,

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but all along you knew, you knew

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and it was affecting how you were showing up.

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So I decided to give myself the closure I needed

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that I was gonna, that’s what I was gonna focus on.

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It doesn’t matter what he thinks, if I was good enough

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or not, I know the truth.

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My truth is that, yeah, I probably wasn’t good enough in

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that relationship for him because he wanted more

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and I wasn’t giving him all.

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I was giving him some knowing

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that I wasn’t fully invested.

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So that’s part of my truth.

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Now, if you look back on a relationship, a friendship

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or whatever it was that ended not by your own doing,

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and you cannot see anything, whether you knew it at the time

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and decided to pretend you didn’t and you avoided it,

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or you can look back and see it now

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or not, what you can still say is

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what you choose to believe about it now, which is

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that friendship, that relationship had to end

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because I needed to learn X, Y,

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and Z because of it.

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Thank you ex-boyfriend for ghosting me

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because I learned how to give myself closure,

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something I needed to learn how to do.

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Thank you for ending that relationship with me

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because I might have stayed a long time settling

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for something that wasn’t it for me.

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Thank you friend, for just disappearing

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because hey, worst case scenario,

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you’re saying thank you friend, for ending this friendship.

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Because if that’s how you feel about us,

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and you could just ghost me

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after all the time that we’ve been friends,

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then we weren’t really the friends I thought we were.

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So thank you. You did me a favor. Thank you.

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As painful as that was, I accept that that’s the closure

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we get to tell ourselves whatever story narrative we want

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to tell ourselves that will allow us to feel empowered

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and liberated and to allow us to move on.

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And it is not delusional.

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It’s your truth, your side of the story, what you choose

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to believe about why that ended, you get to decide.

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So chasing after closure from somebody else is,

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is going to leave you feeling unfulfilled and unsatisfied

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because again, you may not get the answers that you seek.

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And if you do get answers,

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answers it still may not feel very good for you.

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The best answer you can get is the one you give yourself.

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And you get to decide what that answer is.

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And that my friends, is how

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to live a self-centered life.

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To be centered in yourself, deciding what, what

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for yourself, what you know to be true,

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being brutally honest with yourself

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and deciding to make the meaning that you need to make

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for you to be your best self, to get your own back.

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00:15:27.875 –> 00:15:29.565
What I decided to believe about

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00:15:29.565 –> 00:15:31.965
that relationship ending was the most healing,

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00:15:32.615 –> 00:15:35.565
empowering thing I could have ever told myself.

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Way more powerful than anything he could have said to me.

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And that is my wish for you.

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So thank you for listening today.

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I hope that this will help you gain

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some closure in your life.

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Look back on some of the, the relationships

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that have ended in your life and,

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00:15:50.595 –> 00:15:53.695
and go through these, these steps in your,

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00:15:53.795 –> 00:15:56.935
in your in your mind and, and maybe journal about it,

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but give yourself the closure that you need.

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The best and only way to truly give yourself closure is

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to give it to yourself.

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That’s all y’all. See you next time.

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Thanks so much for joining the conversation today.

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I hope you learned something new

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00:16:13.675 –> 00:16:15.575
or heard something that inspired you

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00:16:15.575 –> 00:16:17.375
to take action in a new way.

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As your greatest champion

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00:16:19.835 –> 00:16:22.935
and someone who truly cares about your love, happiness,

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00:16:22.935 –> 00:16:26.295
wealth, and success, I always want to encourage you

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to ask yourself this question, how have I contributed?

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You are the only person who can ask this

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00:16:33.435 –> 00:16:35.535
and the only one who can answer it.

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This doesn’t just change your life, this changes everything.

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Resources

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