Episode 08

What Happens When We’re Untrustworthy
(and how to stop betraying ourselves)

In this episode, Hilary dives into the intricate dynamics of trust within relationships, emphasizing the often overlooked ways we may inadvertently betray ourselves and others.
24 min.

free download

This Changes Everything

Video training + a gorgeous download that will empower you to realize that you are your biggest problem (the bitter pill)… and your only solution (the magic pill).

Show Notes

In this episode, Hilary dives into the intricate dynamics of trust within relationships, emphasizing the often overlooked ways we may inadvertently betray ourselves and others. She discusses the distinction between factual honesty and emotional truth, and how failing to express the latter can deteriorate trust and intimacy in relationships.

In this episode, you’ll learn...

Episode Highlights:
  • Understanding the foundational role of trust in relationships.
  • Identifying the subtle ways we break trust without realizing it.
  • The impact of not sharing our emotional truths.
  • Practical advice on how to be more honest and trustworthy in personal and professional relationships.
Episode Breakdown:
[00:00:01] Hilary opens the discussion on the importance of being honest in relationships.
[00:00:36] Introduction to the topic of trust as the foundation of relationships.
[00:01:00] Discussion on building and breaking trust.
[00:01:17] Self-reflection on personal trustworthiness.
[00:01:47] Encouragement to consider how trust applies in personal contexts.
[00:03:01] Exploration of factual honesty vs. emotional truth.
[00:06:02] How unshared truths sabotage relationships at work.
[00:10:31] Real-life examples of how we lie to avoid discomfort or conflict.
[00:17:01] A case study on a couple dealing with smoking and trust issues.
[00:20:55] Closing remarks on the importance of honesty and how to improve communication in relationships.
Listener Takeaways:
  • Recognize Trustworthy Actions: Be aware of the ways you might be breaking trust, even unintentionally, and take steps to become more trustworthy by aligning your words with your true feelings.
  • Value Emotional Honesty: Understand that sharing your emotional truth is just as important as factual truth for maintaining healthy relationships.
  • Communicate Clearly and Honestly: Encourage open and honest communication in your relationships to build deeper connections and trust.
  • Reflect on Personal Contributions: Regularly ask yourself how you are contributing to either the strength or weakness of your relationships through your level of honesty and integrity.

This episode encourages listeners to be more mindful of their interactions and the importance of honesty in fostering genuine connections and trust.

0
00:00:01.235 –> 00:00:05.895
It feels terrible to be lied to acting like it’s okay.

1
00:00:07.035 –> 00:00:09.535
And just saying, no thank you.

2
00:00:11.015 –> 00:00:13.015
Hmm. Is that truly you?

3
00:00:14.015 –> 00:00:16.815
I want to know in my relationships,

4
00:00:16.995 –> 00:00:21.135
and I don’t think I’m alone on this, I want somebody to just

5
00:00:22.125 –> 00:00:24.775
tell me who they are, share with me who they are.

6
00:00:24.875 –> 00:00:27.975
Let me see who they are. I want that honesty.

7
00:00:30.315 –> 00:00:33.135
Hi, it’s Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast.

8
00:00:36.125 –> 00:00:39.575
Welcome to the conversation. We are talking about trust.

9
00:00:40.585 –> 00:00:44.455
Trust is the absolute most important element

10
00:00:45.195 –> 00:00:46.415
in a relationship.

11
00:00:46.965 –> 00:00:49.095
It’s kind of like the foundation of a house.

12
00:00:49.235 –> 00:00:51.815
If you don’t have a strong foundation of trust,

13
00:00:51.875 –> 00:00:53.815
you really don’t have much of anything.

14
00:00:54.245 –> 00:00:57.815
It’s a requirement for building intimacy

15
00:00:57.955 –> 00:00:59.455
and depth and connection.

16
00:01:00.195 –> 00:01:03.895
Um, and so we are gonna be talking today about the many ways

17
00:01:04.485 –> 00:01:06.335
that we can build trust

18
00:01:07.115 –> 00:01:10.015
and ways that we inadvertently break trust

19
00:01:10.075 –> 00:01:13.015
or destroy trust without even realizing it.

20
00:01:13.795 –> 00:01:16.255
So I wanna start by asking you this question.

21
00:01:17.035 –> 00:01:21.285
Are you trustworthy? Are you worthy of someone’s trust?

22
00:01:22.275 –> 00:01:23.445
Okay, we’re gonna come back to

23
00:01:23.445 –> 00:01:25.005
that question, but think about it.

24
00:01:26.025 –> 00:01:29.845
Um, and as I’m laying, laying down, you know, the pieces

25
00:01:29.865 –> 00:01:32.205
of the conversation, I want you to be thinking about it.

26
00:01:32.245 –> 00:01:34.685
I do this. Oh my gosh, I do that. I don’t do that.

27
00:01:34.685 –> 00:01:37.445
That’s not me. But I wanna see if, I want you

28
00:01:37.445 –> 00:01:38.805
to be like self-selecting.

29
00:01:38.885 –> 00:01:43.165
I want you to identify where in all of this conversation,

30
00:01:44.345 –> 00:01:47.285
can this be applicable for you specifically.

31
00:01:47.905 –> 00:01:50.685
Um, and I also want you to think right now

32
00:01:51.375 –> 00:01:55.085
about someone in your life who you’re close to,

33
00:01:56.185 –> 00:01:59.805
and how you learned that you could trust this person.

34
00:02:02.465 –> 00:02:04.325
Was there a moment in time

35
00:02:04.415 –> 00:02:06.925
where you finally felt like you could trust this

36
00:02:06.925 –> 00:02:08.325
person as you got to know them?

37
00:02:09.145 –> 00:02:12.565
Was there an event? Was there something major that happened?

38
00:02:13.105 –> 00:02:16.925
Or was it kind of something that just built for you

39
00:02:16.925 –> 00:02:18.365
with this person over time?

40
00:02:19.425 –> 00:02:23.655
So, um, things like this is, this is

41
00:02:23.655 –> 00:02:25.095
what happens in our relationships.

42
00:02:25.315 –> 00:02:28.335
So, um, people tell the truth.

43
00:02:29.205 –> 00:02:31.655
They tell the truth, the truth.

44
00:02:32.155 –> 00:02:37.015
So fact factual, truth telling is when somebody

45
00:02:38.035 –> 00:02:40.335
speaks about something that they’ve done,

46
00:02:40.955 –> 00:02:43.495
and you can verify it somewhere.

47
00:02:44.095 –> 00:02:45.895
I was born in 1972. Yep.

48
00:02:45.905 –> 00:02:49.815
Check I deposited a hundred dollars in the bank. Check it.

49
00:02:49.975 –> 00:02:51.495
I can see it. Okay?

50
00:02:51.965 –> 00:02:55.455
Over time you learn that somebody’s a truth teller,

51
00:02:55.645 –> 00:02:56.855
that they are in fact,

52
00:02:58.235 –> 00:03:00.785
an accurate reporter of fact.

53
00:03:01.165 –> 00:03:03.105
That’s important in our relationships.

54
00:03:03.245 –> 00:03:07.185
It is also things that happen over time.

55
00:03:08.205 –> 00:03:09.265
You tell them something

56
00:03:10.205 –> 00:03:13.535
and when you tell them you are met with

57
00:03:14.615 –> 00:03:17.735
a safe response, you are held in that, in that space.

58
00:03:18.285 –> 00:03:21.775
They’re not attacking you, judging you, yelling at you,

59
00:03:22.625 –> 00:03:25.855
dismissing you, ghosting you.

60
00:03:26.515 –> 00:03:28.775
All kinds of things can happen when,

61
00:03:28.845 –> 00:03:30.775
when we share something.

62
00:03:31.635 –> 00:03:34.575
So, and that it’s held in confidence.

63
00:03:34.575 –> 00:03:36.815
When you tell somebody something in confidence,

64
00:03:36.915 –> 00:03:38.895
and then you know that it’s not been spread

65
00:03:38.895 –> 00:03:40.215
amongst your group of friends

66
00:03:40.475 –> 00:03:43.215
or other people that you work with, you learn

67
00:03:43.215 –> 00:03:45.415
that this person can keep a secret.

68
00:03:46.215 –> 00:03:48.415
I can share something with them, and it’s kept safe.

69
00:03:48.595 –> 00:03:50.335
That’s really important too, isn’t it?

70
00:03:50.955 –> 00:03:52.815
Um, and,

71
00:03:52.875 –> 00:03:56.095
and it’s not just that this is happening one time, it has

72
00:03:56.095 –> 00:03:58.575
to happen again and again and again over time.

73
00:03:59.875 –> 00:04:01.935
But one of the things that we don’t think about

74
00:04:02.795 –> 00:04:05.455
is not just the telling of fact,

75
00:04:05.875 –> 00:04:08.215
but also the telling of feeling.

76
00:04:08.955 –> 00:04:11.135
And this is where most of us don’t realize

77
00:04:11.205 –> 00:04:14.615
that we are actually not trustworthy.

78
00:04:15.275 –> 00:04:16.895
And if we’re not trustworthy

79
00:04:17.355 –> 00:04:20.365
and we’re not telling the truth, then

80
00:04:20.365 –> 00:04:22.845
what are we telling lies?

81
00:04:23.265 –> 00:04:25.005
It is a form of lying.

82
00:04:25.515 –> 00:04:27.685
When we aren’t sharing our truth,

83
00:04:28.545 –> 00:04:30.925
our truth is not the same as the truth.

84
00:04:31.225 –> 00:04:35.365
The truth is the stuff that I was saying earlier, factual

85
00:04:36.005 –> 00:04:40.445
oriented, data oriented, scientific oriented

86
00:04:40.955 –> 00:04:43.845
information that’s important,

87
00:04:44.805 –> 00:04:47.865
but also to build trust in our relationships.

88
00:04:48.015 –> 00:04:52.105
It’s the telling of feeling. Okay? So think about that.

89
00:04:52.265 –> 00:04:53.545
I want you to have that as a cue.

90
00:04:53.935 –> 00:04:56.945
Telling the truth is not just the telling of fact,

91
00:04:57.015 –> 00:04:58.625
it’s also the telling of feeling.

92
00:04:59.975 –> 00:05:01.265
It’s, it’s a big difference.

93
00:05:01.965 –> 00:05:05.105
And not just telling the truth,

94
00:05:05.165 –> 00:05:08.945
but telling your truth, my truth, our truth.

95
00:05:09.805 –> 00:05:12.865
And this isn’t always fact. It’s truth for me.

96
00:05:13.215 –> 00:05:17.435
Meaning I am feeling this, this is my perspective,

97
00:05:17.855 –> 00:05:21.915
my point of view, my opinion, my worldview, my paradigm,

98
00:05:22.375 –> 00:05:23.755
how I live in this world.

99
00:05:24.215 –> 00:05:25.275
It is my truth.

100
00:05:25.855 –> 00:05:30.085
And when we don’t share that in our relationships,

101
00:05:30.425 –> 00:05:31.605
it is destructive.

102
00:05:31.865 –> 00:05:35.165
It really keeps our relationships very surface level.

103
00:05:36.065 –> 00:05:37.765
It keeps people at a distance,

104
00:05:38.775 –> 00:05:41.235
and it keeps our relationships shallow, which

105
00:05:41.655 –> 00:05:43.915
as you’ve heard in my other episode about loneliness,

106
00:05:43.945 –> 00:05:48.545
that creates a disconnect in our relationships.

107
00:05:48.635 –> 00:05:49.905
We’re not truly seen,

108
00:05:50.515 –> 00:05:54.145
we’re not witnessed when we’re not being honest like that.

109
00:05:54.855 –> 00:05:58.085
There’s a lot of reasons that we are not sharing

110
00:05:58.315 –> 00:06:00.325
that truth, our truth with people.

111
00:06:00.325 –> 00:06:01.805
And we’re gonna talk about that in a minute.

112
00:06:02.385 –> 00:06:05.245
But it’s, it really will sabotage your

113
00:06:05.245 –> 00:06:07.925
relationships at work too.

114
00:06:08.075 –> 00:06:10.365
Like, it, it just does.

115
00:06:11.065 –> 00:06:12.245
Um, and it’s,

116
00:06:12.245 –> 00:06:14.365
and work relationships are really no different.

117
00:06:15.885 –> 00:06:19.535
So, um, let’s talk about

118
00:06:20.575 –> 00:06:22.795
the ways that we lie.

119
00:06:23.855 –> 00:06:25.875
And before we do, I just wanna make this distinction.

120
00:06:26.345 –> 00:06:28.915
Some lies are told with the intent to deceive.

121
00:06:29.425 –> 00:06:33.595
That is true, to be misleading on purpose, to misrepresent,

122
00:06:33.895 –> 00:06:37.555
to, you know, get out of the stay, out of the doghouse,

123
00:06:37.655 –> 00:06:39.035
to not get in trouble, whatever.

124
00:06:39.795 –> 00:06:41.915
A lot of people will lie they do.

125
00:06:42.695 –> 00:06:43.955
That’s not what I’m talking about.

126
00:06:43.955 –> 00:06:45.155
Because a lot of the lies

127
00:06:45.155 –> 00:06:47.875
that we’re telling right now are not the intent

128
00:06:47.875 –> 00:06:50.035
to deceive at all.

129
00:06:51.285 –> 00:06:52.865
And so that’s what we’re gonna talk about.

130
00:06:52.865 –> 00:06:54.465
First, we’re gonna talk about why,

131
00:06:55.005 –> 00:06:59.265
why do we not tell this truth in our relationships?

132
00:06:59.415 –> 00:07:02.025
Well, there’s a lot of reasons and I’m gonna list them,

133
00:07:02.525 –> 00:07:04.145
and I’m not gonna get them all.

134
00:07:04.325 –> 00:07:06.465
So if this starts to resonate with you

135
00:07:06.565 –> 00:07:10.065
and I’m not hitting on something that feels exactly right

136
00:07:10.065 –> 00:07:13.225
for you, then just ask yourself, well, what is right?

137
00:07:13.965 –> 00:07:16.065
The first reason that maybe we don’t tell the truth,

138
00:07:16.525 –> 00:07:19.185
our truth is because we don’t wanna hurt somebody.

139
00:07:20.575 –> 00:07:22.785
Okay? Like, that’s well-meaning, right?

140
00:07:22.785 –> 00:07:24.545
It’s not the same as the intent to deceive.

141
00:07:24.565 –> 00:07:26.825
If you don’t speak your truth about something,

142
00:07:26.825 –> 00:07:27.825
because you don’t wanna hurt somebody,

143
00:07:27.825 –> 00:07:29.305
you’re protecting them, okay?

144
00:07:29.765 –> 00:07:32.345
We can all understand that. But it is still a lie.

145
00:07:32.405 –> 00:07:34.585
It is still not an accurate representation

146
00:07:34.805 –> 00:07:37.025
of your experience in a moment.

147
00:07:37.055 –> 00:07:39.385
Your emotional state, your feelings about something.

148
00:07:39.845 –> 00:07:40.905
So you don’t wanna hurt them,

149
00:07:41.165 –> 00:07:44.025
you don’t wanna disappoint them, you don’t want them

150
00:07:44.025 –> 00:07:45.105
to be upset with you.

151
00:07:45.725 –> 00:07:48.585
Um, and so you maybe like

152
00:07:49.825 –> 00:07:50.945
withhold some of that.

153
00:07:51.165 –> 00:07:53.585
You’re not exactly forthcoming.

154
00:07:54.405 –> 00:07:57.825
Um, and so maybe you appease them, maybe you placate,

155
00:07:58.355 –> 00:08:01.425
maybe you, you know, gloss over whatever.

156
00:08:01.845 –> 00:08:04.145
So you don’t wanna hurt somebody who can argue with that.

157
00:08:04.145 –> 00:08:07.665
Nobody, we all, it’s all well-meaning number two,

158
00:08:07.995 –> 00:08:10.785
maybe you are afraid of being rejected.

159
00:08:10.965 –> 00:08:13.905
You don’t want them to judge you, ridicule you or,

160
00:08:14.085 –> 00:08:18.625
or reject you because of what you are thinking or feeling

161
00:08:18.805 –> 00:08:20.305
or experiencing in any moment.

162
00:08:20.445 –> 00:08:22.545
So you just keep it to yourself, okay?

163
00:08:22.695 –> 00:08:25.835
Even if they ask you, if you think

164
00:08:25.835 –> 00:08:28.515
that your truth will not be met with approval

165
00:08:29.175 –> 00:08:31.635
or acceptance, you might not share it.

166
00:08:33.345 –> 00:08:36.485
Number three, to avoid conflict.

167
00:08:38.045 –> 00:08:40.685
Conflict can be very scary for a lot of us,

168
00:08:41.465 –> 00:08:43.965
and a lot of people will avoid it at all costs.

169
00:08:45.145 –> 00:08:48.645
Um, I’m not saying that’s a good thing, it’s a way

170
00:08:48.645 –> 00:08:52.285
of moving in the world, but if you’re so conflict avoidant

171
00:08:52.755 –> 00:08:57.005
that you can’t even speak up for yourself in case somebody

172
00:08:57.795 –> 00:09:01.245
doesn’t like it and it leads to some kind of disagreement

173
00:09:01.985 –> 00:09:03.245
or confrontation

174
00:09:03.465 –> 00:09:06.325
or outright conflict, you’re just gonna bite your tongue

175
00:09:06.325 –> 00:09:07.765
and keep it to yourself all the time.

176
00:09:08.615 –> 00:09:13.465
Okay? Can you see how some of these ways

177
00:09:13.925 –> 00:09:17.975
of, you know, holding back, like the thinking

178
00:09:17.975 –> 00:09:21.935
that’s going on that keeps us holding back is a problem.

179
00:09:23.995 –> 00:09:27.675
I personally don’t ever want to be lied to.

180
00:09:28.785 –> 00:09:31.265
I don’t. When I am in a relationship

181
00:09:31.265 –> 00:09:34.025
with somebody in any kind of capacity, any kind

182
00:09:34.025 –> 00:09:38.865
of relationship, and I am asking for somebody’s opinion

183
00:09:39.205 –> 00:09:43.505
or asking how they are, I don’t wanna be lied to.

184
00:09:44.465 –> 00:09:48.215
I don’t, what’s the point in having a conversation?

185
00:09:48.235 –> 00:09:50.375
What’s the f*****g point in having a relationship

186
00:09:50.375 –> 00:09:52.575
with somebody who’s not gonna be honest

187
00:09:52.575 –> 00:09:53.735
with you about who they are?

188
00:09:54.905 –> 00:09:58.845
It just tells me that they either aren’t

189
00:09:58.845 –> 00:10:00.925
that invested in me, aren’t

190
00:10:00.925 –> 00:10:03.925
that invested in this relationship, that they’re scared

191
00:10:03.945 –> 00:10:06.725
of me, that they don’t care about

192
00:10:08.755 –> 00:10:11.675
building any kind of meaningful connection with me at all,

193
00:10:12.215 –> 00:10:14.515
or that they personally just have so many

194
00:10:14.575 –> 00:10:16.435
of these issues within themselves.

195
00:10:17.255 –> 00:10:19.755
And that turns into me just thinking it’s somebody

196
00:10:19.755 –> 00:10:21.595
that I don’t really wanna be in relationship with.

197
00:10:22.615 –> 00:10:26.115
Um, so it’s destructive. It’s very, very destructive.

198
00:10:26.615 –> 00:10:29.755
So now let’s talk about how we lie, how,

199
00:10:29.905 –> 00:10:30.915
what this looks like.

200
00:10:31.655 –> 00:10:34.355
And again, not an exhaustive list by any means,

201
00:10:34.455 –> 00:10:35.955
but just some examples.

202
00:10:36.415 –> 00:10:38.315
And so if there’s more to it for you,

203
00:10:38.815 –> 00:10:41.435
and I’m not hitting on one of them for you, then just,

204
00:10:41.815 –> 00:10:43.715
you know, be thinking about how this does relate.

205
00:10:44.895 –> 00:10:46.555
So an example is saying yes

206
00:10:47.135 –> 00:10:49.795
to something when you really want to be saying no.

207
00:10:51.355 –> 00:10:53.795
Ultimately people pleasing is the biggest form of lying.

208
00:10:54.845 –> 00:10:58.025
And again, like most likely they mean well,

209
00:10:59.115 –> 00:11:01.025
who’s gonna argue with somebody who just wants

210
00:11:01.025 –> 00:11:02.025
to make other people happy?

211
00:11:02.365 –> 00:11:04.065
But it’s completely inauthentic

212
00:11:04.605 –> 00:11:07.585
and it is not an accurate representation of

213
00:11:07.805 –> 00:11:10.185
who this person is saying yes.

214
00:11:10.185 –> 00:11:14.825
When you wanna say no to a favor, to helping somebody, to,

215
00:11:15.125 –> 00:11:19.025
um, and putting yourself out there in any way, okay?

216
00:11:19.055 –> 00:11:23.425
That is one major way that people are lying, um,

217
00:11:24.905 –> 00:11:28.345
omitting or withholding parts of the truth.

218
00:11:29.205 –> 00:11:31.105
So maybe the whole truth

219
00:11:31.475 –> 00:11:34.485
isn’t what you’re gonna share.

220
00:11:34.485 –> 00:11:36.565
You’re gonna just keep some of your cards close

221
00:11:36.565 –> 00:11:39.525
to your chest and just share the good parts, right?

222
00:11:39.525 –> 00:11:41.605
You’re only gonna share the parts that make you look good

223
00:11:41.745 –> 00:11:44.765
or that won’t rattle the, you know, rattle the cage

224
00:11:45.045 –> 00:11:46.165
or upset the apple cart.

225
00:11:46.265 –> 00:11:48.725
You just kind of share little bits instead of all of it.

226
00:11:49.465 –> 00:11:51.685
Um, acquiescing without objection.

227
00:11:52.465 –> 00:11:56.605
So, you know, I don’t ever want any

228
00:11:56.605 –> 00:11:59.765
of you listening to acquiesce

229
00:12:00.675 –> 00:12:04.885
without allowing first your opinion or truth to be known.

230
00:12:04.985 –> 00:12:07.565
And a and a simple example, I love

231
00:12:07.565 –> 00:12:11.845
to keep the example simple is let’s just say a friend asked

232
00:12:11.965 –> 00:12:16.685
you out to dinner and they wanna take you to Thai food

233
00:12:17.705 –> 00:12:19.445
and you don’t really love Thai food.

234
00:12:20.155 –> 00:12:23.325
Acquiescing without objection is telling your friend,

235
00:12:23.355 –> 00:12:24.445
sure, that sounds good.

236
00:12:24.445 –> 00:12:25.685
When should we go? I’ll see you there.

237
00:12:26.145 –> 00:12:29.405
And meanwhile you’re like, Ugh, I hate Thai food.

238
00:12:29.485 –> 00:12:32.765
I hope I can find something that I like to eat. Okay?

239
00:12:33.275 –> 00:12:35.325
That would be acquiescing without objection.

240
00:12:36.065 –> 00:12:38.685
You can think of all the many ways that that might apply

241
00:12:38.825 –> 00:12:40.445
to all of your relationships.

242
00:12:41.345 –> 00:12:43.605
It happens all the time in our intimate relationships

243
00:12:43.605 –> 00:12:44.645
with people that we live with.

244
00:12:45.405 –> 00:12:46.255
’cause there’s so many of these

245
00:12:46.255 –> 00:12:47.775
opportunities to be happening.

246
00:12:49.165 –> 00:12:53.895
Acquiescing with objection might sound like, oh,

247
00:12:54.055 –> 00:12:55.335
I don’t really love Thai food,

248
00:12:55.355 –> 00:12:56.735
but you, I know you said this,

249
00:12:56.765 –> 00:12:58.495
this restaurant is just so really good.

250
00:12:58.555 –> 00:12:59.815
So I’m willing to give it a try.

251
00:13:01.075 –> 00:13:02.775
Or, okay, I don’t really love Thai food,

252
00:13:02.775 –> 00:13:04.415
but let’s hit the Thai food this time

253
00:13:04.475 –> 00:13:05.615
and next time I’m gonna pick

254
00:13:06.475 –> 00:13:08.895
and we’ll go to type, we’ll go

255
00:13:08.895 –> 00:13:10.375
to Italian food or something like that.

256
00:13:11.195 –> 00:13:13.655
That’s what that looks like. And it’s a big difference.

257
00:13:14.235 –> 00:13:17.535
If somebody, if you, let’s just say that you invite somebody

258
00:13:17.535 –> 00:13:20.655
to go to dinner and you, you invite them over and over

259
00:13:20.655 –> 00:13:22.455
and over again to your favorite restaurant

260
00:13:23.275 –> 00:13:24.375
and they keep saying yes,

261
00:13:24.435 –> 00:13:25.655
and then you find out later

262
00:13:25.685 –> 00:13:29.775
that they out actually hate Thai food, how would you feel?

263
00:13:31.845 –> 00:13:33.145
You would feel horrible.

264
00:13:34.165 –> 00:13:36.985
It feels terrible to be lied to

265
00:13:38.745 –> 00:13:40.655
right in this capacity too.

266
00:13:40.755 –> 00:13:43.255
Yes. It sucks being misled on purpose when somebody is

267
00:13:43.825 –> 00:13:45.855
lying, intending to deceive you.

268
00:13:46.115 –> 00:13:48.895
In this case, that lie is not being told

269
00:13:49.085 –> 00:13:50.455
with the intent to deceive.

270
00:13:50.765 –> 00:13:54.535
It’s being told with the intent to please to avoid conflict,

271
00:13:54.875 –> 00:13:58.615
to make somebody happy, to just go with the flow.

272
00:13:59.075 –> 00:14:01.855
So that’s the next one is really just going with the flow,

273
00:14:05.325 –> 00:14:09.565
changing your opinion to fit the mass,

274
00:14:11.015 –> 00:14:14.995
biting your tongue and not speaking up when you disagree in

275
00:14:15.035 –> 00:14:17.795
a room of people who also, who think differently than you.

276
00:14:18.095 –> 00:14:19.235
That’s not easy to do,

277
00:14:20.975 –> 00:14:23.795
but that’s kind of lying in a way.

278
00:14:25.885 –> 00:14:28.765
’cause you’re not representing yourself as you are.

279
00:14:31.035 –> 00:14:33.485
It’s an important way to be thinking about this.

280
00:14:35.065 –> 00:14:37.465
’cause when you do these things, you are betraying yourself

281
00:14:39.085 –> 00:14:40.665
and then you are betraying the people

282
00:14:40.665 –> 00:14:42.145
that you are in relationship with.

283
00:14:42.295 –> 00:14:46.465
It’s not honest. Um, so appeasing, capitulating,

284
00:14:46.665 –> 00:14:48.105
glossing over bits of the truth.

285
00:14:48.605 –> 00:14:50.825
So only telling part of it instead of all of it.

286
00:14:51.465 –> 00:14:53.405
Um, which is similar to omitting.

287
00:14:53.865 –> 00:14:57.005
Um, but glossing over is just like minimizing.

288
00:14:57.105 –> 00:15:00.085
So if you’re not, if you’re really upset about something,

289
00:15:00.145 –> 00:15:03.215
but you really just minimize

290
00:15:03.215 –> 00:15:04.655
how upset you are about something

291
00:15:04.755 –> 00:15:07.995
and you just say, well, that didn’t work for me,

292
00:15:09.585 –> 00:15:12.515
then, then you’re really not expressing yourself.

293
00:15:12.515 –> 00:15:14.635
You don’t have to yell. I’m just saying, I’m not advocating,

294
00:15:14.635 –> 00:15:15.995
yelling or screaming or whatever.

295
00:15:16.135 –> 00:15:18.675
I’m just saying like, let somebody know just

296
00:15:18.675 –> 00:15:20.115
how upset you are by something.

297
00:15:20.255 –> 00:15:22.435
And you can just say, I was really upset by that,

298
00:15:22.695 –> 00:15:24.955
or that really makes me upset to hear that

299
00:15:26.505 –> 00:15:27.805
and then blah, blah, blah.

300
00:15:28.425 –> 00:15:30.485
Um, but acting like it’s okay

301
00:15:31.625 –> 00:15:34.075
and just saying, no thank you.

302
00:15:35.565 –> 00:15:37.565
Hmm. Is that truly you?

303
00:15:38.705 –> 00:15:40.005
If you’re not that upset, fine,

304
00:15:40.005 –> 00:15:41.045
that’s your truth in the moment.

305
00:15:41.145 –> 00:15:44.605
But if you are, it’s okay to share that.

306
00:15:45.685 –> 00:15:48.885
I want to know in my relationships,

307
00:15:49.025 –> 00:15:50.765
and I don’t think I’m alone on this.

308
00:15:51.125 –> 00:15:54.085
I want to know in a situation that,

309
00:15:54.145 –> 00:15:56.525
or an experience that I’m sharing with somebody,

310
00:15:57.885 –> 00:16:00.005
I wanna know what it’s like for them in this very moment.

311
00:16:00.005 –> 00:16:03.645
Because to me, that allows me to feel close to that person.

312
00:16:03.845 –> 00:16:05.925
I see who this person is.

313
00:16:07.285 –> 00:16:09.925
I expect that in my relationships in my life.

314
00:16:11.235 –> 00:16:14.995
I want somebody to just tell me who they are,

315
00:16:15.485 –> 00:16:16.635
share with me who they are.

316
00:16:16.775 –> 00:16:19.835
Let me see who they are. I want that honesty.

317
00:16:20.615 –> 00:16:23.915
It may mean that this person maybe isn’t for me,

318
00:16:25.285 –> 00:16:26.305
but that’s okay

319
00:16:27.005 –> 00:16:28.735
because then I can go on

320
00:16:28.735 –> 00:16:30.455
to find other people who are for me.

321
00:16:30.515 –> 00:16:33.975
And so can they, it may not be a fit.

322
00:16:35.135 –> 00:16:37.015
Ultimately, when we are afraid of rejection,

323
00:16:37.155 –> 00:16:38.215
we will withhold.

324
00:16:40.025 –> 00:16:41.635
When we have shame or fear

325
00:16:41.975 –> 00:16:44.115
of people discovering the things we’re ashamed of,

326
00:16:44.615 –> 00:16:48.555
we will not tell people who we really are, share

327
00:16:48.785 –> 00:16:50.915
with other people who we really are.

328
00:16:50.975 –> 00:16:53.395
And this is a form of lying. It just is.

329
00:16:54.015 –> 00:16:56.435
And it’s destructive to our relationships.

330
00:16:56.615 –> 00:16:59.395
It destroys the trust in a relationship.

331
00:17:01.395 –> 00:17:03.715
I wanna give you an example from a couple that I worked

332
00:17:03.715 –> 00:17:08.195
with years and years ago, but I love this example

333
00:17:08.195 –> 00:17:09.795
because it’s probably something

334
00:17:09.795 –> 00:17:11.475
that’s happened in your relationship.

335
00:17:12.295 –> 00:17:14.315
So I was working with his husband and wife

336
00:17:14.315 –> 00:17:17.955
and they had a new baby and they came in one day

337
00:17:18.335 –> 00:17:20.235
and we talked about this issue a couple times,

338
00:17:20.895 –> 00:17:25.185
but the issue was he was a smoker

339
00:17:26.125 –> 00:17:28.825
and she hated the fact that he was a smoker.

340
00:17:28.925 –> 00:17:32.995
She hated it. And they made a deal

341
00:17:34.265 –> 00:17:35.755
that he wouldn’t smoke anymore.

342
00:17:36.335 –> 00:17:37.715
She was, she had said,

343
00:17:37.955 –> 00:17:39.155
I really don’t like that you’re smoking.

344
00:17:39.315 –> 00:17:42.515
I don’t want you to smoke anymore. You have to stop smoking.

345
00:17:42.615 –> 00:17:44.515
We have a baby now you cannot smoke.

346
00:17:45.055 –> 00:17:48.115
And he said, okay, yes, I’ll stop smoking.

347
00:17:50.025 –> 00:17:53.525
And guess what? He got busted smoking in the garage

348
00:17:55.425 –> 00:17:58.005
and now it looks like he’s a liar.

349
00:17:58.985 –> 00:18:01.485
It looks like he can’t keep his word.

350
00:18:02.025 –> 00:18:03.565
It, he disappointed her.

351
00:18:03.585 –> 00:18:08.045
He let her down because in the front end

352
00:18:08.045 –> 00:18:11.885
of this exchange, he’s telling her what she needs to hear.

353
00:18:12.195 –> 00:18:14.485
He’s telling her what he thinks he needs to say

354
00:18:14.865 –> 00:18:18.045
to make her happy and avoid conflict, right?

355
00:18:18.515 –> 00:18:22.605
Sure, honey, I’ll quit smoking. Sure honey, don’t leave me.

356
00:18:22.605 –> 00:18:23.845
Don’t divorce me because I smoke.

357
00:18:23.995 –> 00:18:25.885
Sure honey, don’t yell at me.

358
00:18:26.435 –> 00:18:28.245
Approve of me, I’ll stop smoking.

359
00:18:29.455 –> 00:18:33.595
But in reality, he probably didn’t ever really wanna stop

360
00:18:33.595 –> 00:18:36.135
smoking or he would have.

361
00:18:38.585 –> 00:18:43.195
So he lied, and I know he wasn’t thinking about it this way,

362
00:18:43.855 –> 00:18:47.435
but he lied to her face saying,

363
00:18:47.715 –> 00:18:49.515
I agree, I will stop smoking.

364
00:18:50.615 –> 00:18:53.915
And now he looks like the bad guy, okay?

365
00:18:53.915 –> 00:18:55.955
Because he didn’t hold up his end of the bargain

366
00:18:56.015 –> 00:18:58.715
and he didn’t follow through, like I said at the beginning,

367
00:18:58.715 –> 00:19:00.075
when someone doesn’t follow through.

368
00:19:01.845 –> 00:19:05.335
So what should happen instead?

369
00:19:05.765 –> 00:19:08.615
Well, what should happen instead

370
00:19:09.355 –> 00:19:13.535
in an exchange like this is in the initial conversation,

371
00:19:14.075 –> 00:19:16.015
she says, I don’t like that you smoke.

372
00:19:16.375 –> 00:19:17.455
I, we have a baby now.

373
00:19:17.575 –> 00:19:19.175
I don’t, you know, it’s not good for you.

374
00:19:19.415 –> 00:19:20.495
I don’t like it, blah, blah.

375
00:19:20.795 –> 00:19:24.495
And he says, I know how much you hate that I smoke.

376
00:19:25.415 –> 00:19:26.775
I know you worry about my health

377
00:19:26.835 –> 00:19:29.375
and I know you think it stinks and all these things.

378
00:19:30.355 –> 00:19:32.455
And I like smoking.

379
00:19:34.655 –> 00:19:36.735
I like smoking and I’m not gonna give it up.

380
00:19:37.275 –> 00:19:38.575
But here’s what I can do.

381
00:19:39.135 –> 00:19:40.735
I promise I will not smoke in the house.

382
00:19:40.895 –> 00:19:42.495
I promise I will not smoke around you.

383
00:19:43.215 –> 00:19:45.215
I promise I will never smoke around the baby.

384
00:19:45.495 –> 00:19:46.655
I will keep it contained

385
00:19:46.675 –> 00:19:48.695
and I’ll brush my teeth and blah, blah, blah.

386
00:19:49.975 –> 00:19:53.395
Can you see how much more honest that is on the upfront?

387
00:19:54.415 –> 00:19:58.155
And now she just is in a part in a relationship

388
00:19:58.155 –> 00:20:02.275
with a partner who is showing up equally represented

389
00:20:03.015 –> 00:20:04.475
in this exchange.

390
00:20:05.495 –> 00:20:07.115
She states her desires, wishes,

391
00:20:07.275 –> 00:20:08.755
feelings, opinions, whatever.

392
00:20:09.095 –> 00:20:13.435
And so does he, they are two distinct

393
00:20:13.985 –> 00:20:16.075
individuals in this relationship

394
00:20:16.655 –> 00:20:19.035
and they have to navigate this relationship together.

395
00:20:19.855 –> 00:20:21.595
And the only way

396
00:20:21.595 –> 00:20:25.035
that’s gonna happen is if both people are showing up in

397
00:20:25.035 –> 00:20:29.875
truth, not the truth only, yes,

398
00:20:29.875 –> 00:20:34.395
that’s a part of it, but in their truth, equally important

399
00:20:35.015 –> 00:20:38.835
in building the trust and the foundation of a relationship.

400
00:20:39.295 –> 00:20:41.275
So obviously, uh,

401
00:20:41.275 –> 00:20:43.435
what the couple was talking about was the smoking.

402
00:20:43.535 –> 00:20:46.755
And what we realized through using this as an example,

403
00:20:47.545 –> 00:20:51.645
is they were able to build more trust, more safety,

404
00:20:52.425 –> 00:20:55.085
the ability to communicate and deal with conflict

405
00:20:55.085 –> 00:20:56.285
and how to compromise,

406
00:20:56.285 –> 00:21:00.045
and how to both truly show up in this relationship

407
00:21:00.045 –> 00:21:01.485
where they both are seen

408
00:21:01.585 –> 00:21:02.765
and they’re getting their needs met.

409
00:21:04.215 –> 00:21:07.565
How amazing is that? And learning how to do

410
00:21:07.565 –> 00:21:09.005
that in an intimate relationship

411
00:21:09.025 –> 00:21:13.805
or any of your relationships is critical for the longevity

412
00:21:14.305 –> 00:21:15.805
and the health of the relationship.

413
00:21:16.805 –> 00:21:20.295
Okay? So these lies that we tell

414
00:21:21.325 –> 00:21:23.045
thinking that they will protect us,

415
00:21:23.885 –> 00:21:25.605
actually end up harming us.

416
00:21:25.995 –> 00:21:29.085
That is the lesson, the lies that we are telling

417
00:21:29.825 –> 00:21:34.045
by omission, by appeasing, you know, all those things

418
00:21:34.045 –> 00:21:38.685
that I said ultimately harm us and harm our relationships

419
00:21:39.195 –> 00:21:40.725
because it’s just not the truth.

420
00:21:42.005 –> 00:21:44.615
There’s always a way to say something.

421
00:21:46.085 –> 00:21:48.515
There is, there’s always a kind and loving

422
00:21:48.615 –> 00:21:52.355
and compassionate way to speak your truth

423
00:21:54.835 –> 00:21:57.695
so that it doesn’t backfire and hurt you

424
00:21:57.755 –> 00:21:58.935
or hurt the relationship.

425
00:21:59.585 –> 00:22:02.485
There just is. And

426
00:22:04.485 –> 00:22:05.985
we have to learn how to do this better.

427
00:22:06.485 –> 00:22:10.945
We all do. So that was part one of the conversation.

428
00:22:11.675 –> 00:22:14.465
We’re gonna con continue this conversation into our next

429
00:22:14.535 –> 00:22:18.945
episode and talk about how we invite people

430
00:22:19.245 –> 00:22:20.345
to lie to us

431
00:22:21.125 –> 00:22:24.145
and what the flip side of this actually looks like.

432
00:22:24.535 –> 00:22:26.545
Okay? That is it for the conversation today.

433
00:22:26.705 –> 00:22:27.785
I will see you next time, but

434
00:22:27.785 –> 00:22:29.025
before I go, I wanna remind you

435
00:22:29.025 –> 00:22:30.585
to please rate and review us.

436
00:22:30.585 –> 00:22:32.345
That allows other people to find us

437
00:22:32.365 –> 00:22:33.505
and join the conversation.

438
00:22:33.805 –> 00:22:38.625
And subscribers only, um, get to share their comments

439
00:22:38.695 –> 00:22:41.185
with me, their questions with me that I will address.

440
00:22:41.405 –> 00:22:43.345
So if you wanna be part of the conversation

441
00:22:43.405 –> 00:22:46.865
and contribute to these topics, please subscribe

442
00:22:47.325 –> 00:22:49.505
and then share what your thoughts are,

443
00:22:49.505 –> 00:22:52.425
what your questions are, and I will bring them

444
00:22:52.425 –> 00:22:54.665
to the conversation on our episodes in the future.

445
00:22:55.165 –> 00:22:57.035
See you then. Thanks so much

446
00:22:57.035 –> 00:22:58.435
for joining the conversation today.

447
00:22:58.955 –> 00:23:00.395
I hope you learned something new

448
00:23:00.935 –> 00:23:02.915
or heard something that inspired you

449
00:23:02.935 –> 00:23:04.755
to take action in a new way.

450
00:23:05.335 –> 00:23:06.995
As your greatest champion

451
00:23:07.175 –> 00:23:10.435
and someone who truly cares about your love, happiness,

452
00:23:10.435 –> 00:23:13.795
wealth, and success, I always want to encourage you

453
00:23:13.855 –> 00:23:17.635
to ask yourself this question, how have I contributed?

454
00:23:18.415 –> 00:23:20.675
You are the only person who can ask this

455
00:23:20.775 –> 00:23:22.875
and the only one who can answer it.

456
00:23:23.665 –> 00:23:27.235
This doesn’t just change your life, this changes everything.

What to listen to next...

Episode 12
In this week’s episode, Hilary dives into the often misunderstood concept of closure in relationships.
17 min.
Episode 11
Today, Hilary takes on questions submitted by listeners, tackling a wide range of personal and emotional queries.
38 min.

Resources

This Changes Everything.

Don’t leave without your free gift!

Receive access to my video training all about the bitter pill that is also the magic pill + a gorgeous download designed to help you ask the questions that won’t just change your life… they’ll change everything.