Episode 03

Why It’s Time to Quit Therapy For (Your Own) Good
(from a recovering certified psychotherapist)

Why I (a therapist) think therapy is a waste of time and you should definitely cut it out
39 min.

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Show Notes

Welcome back to the Hilary Silver Podcast. Today’s episode is particularly close to my heart. As a former certified psychotherapist, I’ve seen the ins and outs of the therapy world, and I’ve come to some controversial conclusions. Today’s conversation is about why I believe the traditional therapy model is failing us, and is holding us back from truly addressing and resolving our deeper issues. Whether you’re a therapy veteran, a skeptical newcomer, or a fellow professional in the field, this episode promises to challenge some of your fundamental beliefs about what healing looks like. Stay tuned as we unpack the reasons behind quitting conventional therapy and explore more dynamic ways to foster personal growth and self-reliance.

In this episode, you’ll learn...

Episode Highlights:
  • Hilary’s Critique of Traditional Therapy: Hear Hilary’s compelling reasons for her growing disillusionment with traditional therapy practices.
  • The Repetitive Cycle: Insights into the repetitive nature of problems presented in therapy and why this pushed Hilary to seek a change.
  • Introducing a New Method: Hilary introduces her new method aimed at quicker, more effective results by focusing on empowerment and education rather than prolonged dependency.
Episode Breakdown:
[00:02:01 – 00:10:00] Discussion on the inefficiencies of traditional therapy, focusing on therapist training and client dependency.
[00:10:01 – 00:20:00] Hilary shares her personal journey from practicing therapist to a coach and why she felt compelled to leave the traditional path.
[00:20:01 – 00:30:00] Explanation of the Hilary Silver Method, including the structure, goals, and the expected outcomes for clients.
[00:30:01 – 00:40:00] Addressing common concerns about switching from traditional therapy to new methods.
[00:40:01 – 00:45:00] Closing thoughts and a call to action for listeners to reassess their therapy choices.
[00:00:00 – 00:02:00] Opening remarks and Hilary’s bold statement on her current stance on therapy.
Listener Takeaways:
  • Rethink Therapy: Consider whether traditional therapy is meeting your needs or if alternative methods might lead to quicker, more lasting change.
  • Self-Empowerment: Embrace approaches that prioritize self-empowerment and education over dependency.
  • Ask Questions: When engaging with any therapy or coaching, clarify goals, methods, and expected outcomes.
  • Be Proactive: Take an active role in your healing and personal growth journey, challenging the status quo if it’s not working for you.
  • Seek Results: Focus on approaches that promise not just to help you feel better temporarily but to be better in the long term.

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I really don’t believe in therapy anymore.

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I just don’t, I just said it.

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I really don’t believe in therapy anymore,

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not the way that it exists now.

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Hi, it’s Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast.

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Welcome to the conversation today.

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I’m really excited to talk about this one,

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and I think you’ll find it very interesting

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because I’m gonna be dishing on the therapy profession.

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And coming from me, a former therapist,

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I think you might like to hear what I have to say.

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I truly believe that there are some fundamental problems

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with the therapy profession

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that make it completely inefficient

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and ineffective at actually helping people solve

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their painful problems.

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And I’m gonna lay it all out for you on the episode today.

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This conversation is gonna be good

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for both the therapy goer, the client,

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and actually for anyone who’s a therapist

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considering becoming a therapist.

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And when I was thinking about how I wanted

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to lay this all out,

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’cause there’s a lot of it, there’s no way to

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keep the two sides of the story separate.

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They actually need to be woven to together for it

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to make complete sense.

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So even when I’m talking about the therapist training,

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for example, stick with it

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because they’re part of the problem with therapy

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for the client is in the therapist training itself.

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So I hope that you’ll find this very

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intriguing and interesting.

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So I will be weaving it all together for both the therapist

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and the client, um, in our conversation.

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And before we do, I really want to also explain

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or just share why I left my therapy

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practice in 2017.

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I had been doing it probably for like 13 years, 14 years

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or something like that.

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And um, what I realized was, um,

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that I would have client after client,

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after client coming to see me.

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I literally would book myself back to back

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nine o’clock in the morning,

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ending at six o’clock, 10 people in a row.

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Um, and what what I was starting

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to realize towards the end was I was repeating myself

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and repeating myself and repeating myself one person

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after another, after another

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after another, that despite what somebody was coming in

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to see me for, which we call top of mind problems, the

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what brings you in today.

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And whether that’s an issue with a boss or a spouse

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or parenting or I’m anxious,

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or whatever those issues were, we call those top

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of mind problems, whatever that was.

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Ultimately, every single client that I was working

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with had the same deep down underlying issue.

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The root cause and the core issues were always the same.

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And so that’s why I found myself repeating myself over

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and over and over again and compounded whatever,

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whatever issue a client might be working on, struggling with

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however they’re feeling, it’s compounded.

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Because what happens is we feel like we’re the only one.

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We feel alone. We feel embarrassed

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by it, we’re ashamed of it.

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And I could tell my clients all day till the cows come home

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that you’re not the only one.

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That you’re not alone.

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Um, that the person right

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before you in this session had the same issue.

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I just had this conversation two people ago.

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It doesn’t matter. I could tell you all day

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that you’re not alone and you’re not the only one.

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But there’s something about hearing it straight out

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of somebody else’s mouth that changes everything.

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So in the repetition of my client after client

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and explaining things and teaching things

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and helping people, I realized I was developing a curriculum

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without even knowing it.

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And I would always spend about 10, 15 minutes

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of every session educating and training and informing

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and teaching to provide a foundation

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of knowledge to the person I’m working with, because

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otherwise they come back in again

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and again, each session focusing on the top of mind.

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And I just felt like I was craving to make a bigger,

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to make a bigger difference.

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I was craving helping

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and making more of an impact on a larger scale.

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And I just felt this isn’t it, I’m done with this.

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And as I go through the list today, um, you’ll hear some

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of the other reasons why I also at the time did not feel

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like I could continue participating in the therapy world.

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Um, but today what I know now to be true even more so.

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So let’s get into it.

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Um, so the first reason that I really truly,

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and I’m gonna say it this way,

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I really don’t believe in therapy anymore.

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I just don’t, I just said it.

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I really don’t believe in therapy anymore.

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Not the way that it exists now. I don’t believe in it.

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Um, unless there is somebody who is truly, truly, um, like

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suicidal, mentally ill, not functioning in life, uh,

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extremely traumatized and therefore unable to function

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or in the middle of a crisis

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and is needing kind of serious support.

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Um, but when even in those cases we’re turning into

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more crisis management

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or, um, it’s not exactly the same, you know,

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outpatient therapy model

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that I’m actually gonna be referencing today.

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So let’s start with the therapist training.

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This is where it all begins in the therapist training.

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The very first thing that we are taught in therapy school

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is that it is within the relationship between the therapist

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and the client, that the client can feel healed and whole

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and healthy and to achieve whatever desired outcome.

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And I hate this with every ounce of my being.

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While it is important that we find somebody

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that we are talking to

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or working with some kind of leader, professional helper,

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we wanna feel safe and, and comfortable and trust them

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and be able to divulge all kinds of personal s**t

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and not feel judged.

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It’s not the relationship

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between the therapist and the client.

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Because what if that’s what we truly believe,

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then things go all kinds of wrong.

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Number one, it fosters complete codependence

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on the therapist.

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And, and so what I see is, you know,

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in the last seven years since I left my practice

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and doing my company, and I’ll get into that later, the way

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that I do is that people will say things like, well,

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you know, I’ve been going to the same therapist

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for 15 years, or, you know, I’ve been off

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and on to see the same therapist for five years,

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and I, you know, I just keep them around

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to have a sounding board or, or things like that.

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And so what ends up happening is, rather than the goal being

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fostering, I imbuing, um, mentoring

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and guiding a client to self-reliance,

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self-sufficiency, independence.

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It really creates this codependent relationship

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with the therapist where the therapist becomes the one

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who is, who knows everything rather than the client.

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And we, I, I just, that’s not the point.

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The point of therapy is not to go

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and create this fake false relationship with somebody

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who you are paying to help you when what you really want is

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to have a temporary relationship with this person

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who does care about you and want the best for you,

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but so that you can get over whatever obstacle you are

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having in the moment and go out into the world,

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into your real life

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and have a real relationship with real people

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where the relationship has reciprocity,

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where there’s actually equal give

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and take where you’re learning

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what a real relationship is

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and how to navigate those boundaries, that kind of intimacy.

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And so to me, it’s really supposed

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to be temporary scaffolding, propping somebody up,

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giving them a little bit of structure and accountability

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and, um, safety

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while they’re building their inner strength so

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that they can then go operate in the world

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as a fully self-sufficient, uh, human being.

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And then the scaffolding can fall away.

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The goal should be to work ourselves out of a job.

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But when you have this relationship with a client,

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or the client has this relationship with a therapist,

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they end up staying too long in therapy

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because of the relationship When therapy has run its course

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and it’s no longer needed or if it’s not effective,

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but they still come for the relationship.

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Um, it’s a problem. It is a serious problem.

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People feel guilty leaving their therapist.

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They, they wanna go because they care about this person

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and they, and they enjoy this person.

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So they keep going, but perhaps nothing is actually even

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happening anymore other than relying on the therapist

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to be the savior person who’s going to help you deal

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with your life’s problems rather than learning how

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to solve your own problems.

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I don’t want you all listening to have a therapist

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that you feel like you need

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to call when you’re in the middle of a tough situation

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to get feedback or to get advice.

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The ultimate goal is to ask yourself, well,

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what do I feel like I need to do right now?

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You know, gosh, what’s going on with me

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and how do I really, how do I wanna handle this?

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Knowing myself, the way that I’ve learned to know myself,

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trusting myself, the way that I’ve learned to trust myself.

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I’ve got it. I got it. I got this.

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That is what I personally

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believe should be the end goal for all of us

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who are seeking any kind of outside expert, um, guidance

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when we’re struggling with something

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and yeah, life comes at us, we’re gonna struggle.

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We’ve got situations that we’ve, we’ve never encountered

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before, and we don’t have the skills or the tools

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or the knowledge or the awareness we need outside help.

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That’s not what I’m saying.

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But the goal should always be

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pointing the client back to themselves.

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And, and what I would do not that

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what I always do is always right, but,

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but what made me

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so successful in my therapy practice was taking those top

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of mind problems

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that the clients were talking about in their lives

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and using those experiences as opportunities

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to practice the things

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that were actually addressing the root cause

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and core issues underneath it all.

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So teaching somebody how to be more resilient

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and to give themselves a f*****g break

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and to manage their mind and to make peace with their past

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and to love themselves and to know their worth

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and to be completely centered in themselves

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and to be fully expressed.

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All these things about relationship with self,

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because when you have the relationship with self, you

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actually need therapy less and less.

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And you seek support and guidance less and less.

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And you can ask yourself, what do I really need?

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And that’s the goal. That’s the goal.

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So number that is the, that is like where things start

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00:11:42.635 –> 00:11:45.115
to go wrong, right from the very beginning in the training

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00:11:45.135 –> 00:11:47.755
of the therapist, that the relationship

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00:11:48.655 –> 00:11:49.915
is what’s most important.

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Can you see how so many things go wrong because of that?

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It’s, it’s literally part of the ethos in the therapy world

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00:11:58.295 –> 00:11:59.515
and the training and the,

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00:11:59.515 –> 00:12:03.445
and the, um, in the academic world of how

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to become a therapist.

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00:12:05.025 –> 00:12:06.445
And no one’s really talking about that,

241
00:12:06.445 –> 00:12:08.885
but it’s very unhealthy, um, to

242
00:12:09.445 –> 00:12:10.485
continue to rely on somebody.

243
00:12:10.485 –> 00:12:12.685
It’s just we’re we’re indoctrinated this way.

244
00:12:12.945 –> 00:12:16.085
And then actually what happens is the therapist becomes the

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00:12:16.085 –> 00:12:20.205
savior, the therapist gets the credit when somebody

246
00:12:20.905 –> 00:12:25.125
has a win, rather than the client being able

247
00:12:25.125 –> 00:12:26.205
to say, I did that.

248
00:12:26.625 –> 00:12:28.845
I’m proud of myself. Look what I did, look

249
00:12:28.845 –> 00:12:30.045
what I learned how to do.

250
00:12:30.145 –> 00:12:32.685
And then did, because they point, oh,

251
00:12:32.685 –> 00:12:33.845
my therapist taught me this.

252
00:12:34.025 –> 00:12:35.725
Oh, my therapist told me to do this.

253
00:12:36.465 –> 00:12:40.125
My therapist, you know, helped me achieve this.

254
00:12:40.235 –> 00:12:42.245
Well, yeah, we, we, we, they helped.

255
00:12:42.465 –> 00:12:47.145
But the goal needs to be self-sufficiency.

256
00:12:48.345 –> 00:12:52.295
Teach our clients to fish so they can feed themselves

257
00:12:53.165 –> 00:12:56.755
forevermore rather than feed them one fish at a time.

258
00:12:56.935 –> 00:13:00.115
Do this with your job. Go do this with your boyfriend,

259
00:13:00.495 –> 00:13:02.035
go do this with your child.

260
00:13:02.865 –> 00:13:04.555
It’s pointing them back to

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00:13:04.555 –> 00:13:06.555
what they actually already really do know,

262
00:13:07.135 –> 00:13:10.075
but haven’t been able to access deep inside of themselves

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00:13:10.175 –> 00:13:12.395
or what, or something they forgot about themselves.

264
00:13:12.695 –> 00:13:16.395
Remind them who they are, help them get connected

265
00:13:16.935 –> 00:13:19.035
to themselves in a way

266
00:13:19.035 –> 00:13:20.795
that they’ve not ever connected before.

267
00:13:21.885 –> 00:13:24.025
So no, no, no, not the relationship

268
00:13:24.025 –> 00:13:25.105
between therapist and client.

269
00:13:25.105 –> 00:13:28.345
Okay, let’s move on to the next piece, next piece.

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00:13:28.345 –> 00:13:30.265
So the next part of the therapist training

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00:13:30.295 –> 00:13:34.985
that I take major issue with is where we are kind of taught.

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00:13:35.085 –> 00:13:37.505
And those of you who who aren’t therapists don’t know this,

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00:13:37.645 –> 00:13:41.385
but we’re really taught to be passive

274
00:13:42.045 –> 00:13:43.345
in the therapy process.

275
00:13:44.405 –> 00:13:48.585
Um, we are supposed to ask questions of the client and,

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00:13:48.965 –> 00:13:51.265
and in the hopes that the client will speak

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00:13:51.325 –> 00:13:55.865
and then just kind of through free association, just kind

278
00:13:55.865 –> 00:13:57.465
of figure it out themselves.

279
00:13:58.285 –> 00:14:01.945
And it’s a very passive way of sitting in session

280
00:14:02.095 –> 00:14:06.385
with somebody asking questions and also active listening.

281
00:14:06.395 –> 00:14:08.065
We’re taught active listening.

282
00:14:08.615 –> 00:14:11.705
It’s literally a skill that is taught as a therapist.

283
00:14:11.705 –> 00:14:13.305
And yeah, it’s good to be active listening.

284
00:14:13.305 –> 00:14:14.585
You want people to know that you hear them

285
00:14:14.685 –> 00:14:17.145
and you know you’re nodding or as they’re saying things.

286
00:14:17.845 –> 00:14:20.465
But what, what I’ve been told by client

287
00:14:20.465 –> 00:14:22.065
after client in the last seven years

288
00:14:23.005 –> 00:14:24.545
is I got nothing out of it.

289
00:14:24.885 –> 00:14:26.745
All I did was go and sit there

290
00:14:26.805 –> 00:14:29.305
and they asked me questions that I didn’t know the answers

291
00:14:29.405 –> 00:14:31.145
to before I came,

292
00:14:31.365 –> 00:14:33.545
and I certainly didn’t figure it out in the session,

293
00:14:34.245 –> 00:14:35.945
or they just kind of reflected back

294
00:14:35.945 –> 00:14:37.185
to me what they heard me say.

295
00:14:37.185 –> 00:14:42.065
They were getting nowhere. Um, so I have to say,

296
00:14:42.805 –> 00:14:46.185
my philosophy was always that when

297
00:14:47.065 –> 00:14:50.785
somebody is ready for help, they finally get to the point

298
00:14:50.785 –> 00:14:52.485
where they are making the phone call,

299
00:14:52.485 –> 00:14:55.165
they’re booking an appointment, and they are in enough pain

300
00:14:55.585 –> 00:14:56.885
or feel confused enough

301
00:14:56.885 –> 00:14:58.285
or frustrated enough with whatever

302
00:14:58.285 –> 00:14:59.365
is going on in their life.

303
00:14:59.755 –> 00:15:00.965
They just want answers.

304
00:15:01.465 –> 00:15:03.365
So I always believed in giving it to them.

305
00:15:04.145 –> 00:15:06.405
It doesn’t mean that I am the be all end all

306
00:15:06.425 –> 00:15:08.565
and what I say is correct and right.

307
00:15:09.395 –> 00:15:11.205
There’s a lot of ways to look at things.

308
00:15:11.305 –> 00:15:12.805
So we would always explore them,

309
00:15:13.265 –> 00:15:16.765
but we don’t call an estate attorney and,

310
00:15:17.185 –> 00:15:20.325
and expect the estate attorney to just ask us questions

311
00:15:20.335 –> 00:15:22.125
until we figure out what we want.

312
00:15:22.585 –> 00:15:25.885
We want guidance, we want answers, we want suggestions.

313
00:15:25.945 –> 00:15:29.525
We want our experts to tell us

314
00:15:30.155 –> 00:15:31.405
what they really think.

315
00:15:32.225 –> 00:15:35.245
And that to me is very important because

316
00:15:35.245 –> 00:15:37.125
otherwise you’re going to delay

317
00:15:37.265 –> 00:15:41.565
and prolong the problem, this delay the solution

318
00:15:41.745 –> 00:15:42.965
and prolong the problem.

319
00:15:43.985 –> 00:15:48.955
Um, it’s just, it baffles me that this is the way

320
00:15:49.345 –> 00:15:51.515
that the therapy world is operating.

321
00:15:52.455 –> 00:15:54.915
It, it, it exacerbates the problem.

322
00:15:54.935 –> 00:15:57.195
People stew and simmer and sit

323
00:15:57.255 –> 00:16:00.635
and marinate in the, the pain for way too long

324
00:16:00.635 –> 00:16:03.435
because therapists are afraid to be directive.

325
00:16:04.645 –> 00:16:07.585
So it’s, to me, a collaboration,

326
00:16:08.725 –> 00:16:12.055
it’s a collaboration between client and therapist.

327
00:16:13.065 –> 00:16:16.045
If, if, if you all choose to do therapy, make sure

328
00:16:16.045 –> 00:16:17.925
that you’re finding somebody who’s active.

329
00:16:18.605 –> 00:16:21.205
I like to roll up my sleeves and get in there, you know,

330
00:16:21.205 –> 00:16:22.525
and we’re working on this together,

331
00:16:22.695 –> 00:16:23.925
we’re figuring it out together.

332
00:16:24.515 –> 00:16:26.445
Meanwhile, the point to bring it back

333
00:16:26.445 –> 00:16:29.845
to the first issue is helping the client hear

334
00:16:29.845 –> 00:16:32.765
what they’re saying and point back to them the things

335
00:16:32.765 –> 00:16:35.325
that they’re saying and help them see the things

336
00:16:35.325 –> 00:16:37.165
that they’re not able to see themselves

337
00:16:37.665 –> 00:16:40.885
and pull out their strengths, pull out what it is

338
00:16:40.885 –> 00:16:44.125
that they’re capable of and what they’re, what they’re able

339
00:16:44.185 –> 00:16:47.005
to do to solve their own problems.

340
00:16:47.425 –> 00:16:49.125
But, but they need our guidance

341
00:16:50.225 –> 00:16:51.845
and we should be giving it to them.

342
00:16:52.475 –> 00:16:55.325
Okay? Another problem with the way

343
00:16:55.325 –> 00:16:58.565
that the therapy world is operating is really

344
00:16:58.955 –> 00:17:02.725
that the entire kind of model is set up

345
00:17:02.725 –> 00:17:05.125
to be focusing on healing, right?

346
00:17:05.215 –> 00:17:08.005
We’re healing. So that means we’re looking backwards

347
00:17:08.585 –> 00:17:12.485
at things that have happened to us as far back as childhood

348
00:17:13.155 –> 00:17:15.685
when we’re babies and even, you know, things

349
00:17:15.685 –> 00:17:18.165
that happened two days ago, you know, when we got dumped

350
00:17:18.165 –> 00:17:19.565
by our partner, whatever.

351
00:17:20.305 –> 00:17:24.325
So, so looking backwards into the past, the problem

352
00:17:24.355 –> 00:17:27.325
with this is that when we look backwards

353
00:17:27.705 –> 00:17:29.805
and we get stuck in the past,

354
00:17:30.315 –> 00:17:32.605
there’s absolutely no way to move forward.

355
00:17:32.785 –> 00:17:34.125
So most of the questions

356
00:17:34.155 –> 00:17:38.365
that are being asked in the therapy room are, is,

357
00:17:38.425 –> 00:17:41.485
is all about why, why am I like this?

358
00:17:41.945 –> 00:17:44.245
Why am I struggling? Why do I feel this way?

359
00:17:44.465 –> 00:17:46.085
Why am I like this in the world?

360
00:17:46.345 –> 00:17:50.035
Why, why, why and why is not a high

361
00:17:50.035 –> 00:17:51.595
quality question at all.

362
00:17:52.345 –> 00:17:55.035
Sometimes you might be able to answer the question why?

363
00:17:55.175 –> 00:17:57.595
And see, oh, I, you know, this happened to me,

364
00:17:57.935 –> 00:18:00.075
it makes sense why I am the way that I am.

365
00:18:01.105 –> 00:18:04.485
But sometimes we can’t ever quite put our finger on it,

366
00:18:04.625 –> 00:18:06.925
and that means that we’re chasing the answer

367
00:18:07.265 –> 00:18:09.045
to why forevermore.

368
00:18:09.835 –> 00:18:11.805
Meanwhile, life is passing by

369
00:18:11.865 –> 00:18:14.565
and we are still stuck trying to figure out why.

370
00:18:14.945 –> 00:18:18.045
What’s a better question to be asking is what do I need

371
00:18:18.045 –> 00:18:21.405
to do and how do I do it so that I can move the f**k on

372
00:18:21.405 –> 00:18:23.285
with my life and be happy

373
00:18:23.465 –> 00:18:25.445
and have the relationships that I want

374
00:18:25.665 –> 00:18:28.485
and the life that I want and the career that I want,

375
00:18:28.505 –> 00:18:29.845
and the fulfillment that I want.

376
00:18:30.595 –> 00:18:31.765
Looking backwards.

377
00:18:32.865 –> 00:18:34.685
And if some of you don’t know this,

378
00:18:34.825 –> 00:18:38.125
but psychoanalysis is a form of psychotherapy

379
00:18:38.935 –> 00:18:42.045
where people actually go three to five times a week.

380
00:18:42.045 –> 00:18:45.605
That’s the Freudian lay on the couch model. Psychoanalysis.

381
00:18:45.745 –> 00:18:48.765
Psychoanalysis. It’s kind of like when you’re on the highway

382
00:18:48.945 –> 00:18:52.765
and you can’t resist looking at the accident on the side

383
00:18:52.765 –> 00:18:55.085
of the road like that morbid fascination.

384
00:18:55.385 –> 00:18:57.765
That’s what this is. It’s like a hobby.

385
00:18:58.395 –> 00:19:00.685
Well, if you’re doing that because it’s a hobby

386
00:19:00.985 –> 00:19:03.405
and it’s of interest, that’s one thing.

387
00:19:03.425 –> 00:19:05.205
If you’re trying to heal

388
00:19:05.785 –> 00:19:08.565
or be happier in your life,

389
00:19:08.955 –> 00:19:11.805
this is not the way, not at all.

390
00:19:13.095 –> 00:19:15.175
And so to me,

391
00:19:15.765 –> 00:19:17.935
staying focused on the past means

392
00:19:17.935 –> 00:19:19.135
you’re gonna get stuck there.

393
00:19:19.835 –> 00:19:23.015
And I have people come to me who’ve been therapy goers.

394
00:19:23.015 –> 00:19:25.255
They literally take pride in calling themselves a therapy

395
00:19:25.525 –> 00:19:27.375
goer or a self-help junkie.

396
00:19:27.715 –> 00:19:29.435
And I’m like, Hey,

397
00:19:30.025 –> 00:19:32.435
what if you could stop thinking about yourself that way

398
00:19:32.695 –> 00:19:35.315
and not have to have this consume such a large part

399
00:19:35.315 –> 00:19:37.075
of your life and you can actually just go live your life

400
00:19:37.185 –> 00:19:39.115
instead of trying to figure it out all the time,

401
00:19:39.465 –> 00:19:43.875
like solve the problem rather than getting used to trying

402
00:19:43.895 –> 00:19:45.195
to solve it all the time

403
00:19:46.135 –> 00:19:50.565
and being able to talk about why you do what you do,

404
00:19:50.575 –> 00:19:53.525
where it comes from, my mommy, my daddy, my childhood, blah,

405
00:19:53.525 –> 00:19:54.525
blah, blah and whatever.

406
00:19:54.955 –> 00:19:58.205
This is what turns people into knowing better,

407
00:19:58.385 –> 00:20:02.085
but not doing better, talking about all the things

408
00:20:02.115 –> 00:20:05.205
that they know to be true about how they got

409
00:20:05.205 –> 00:20:06.405
to this point in their lives.

410
00:20:07.535 –> 00:20:11.395
But nothing is changing, nothing knowing better,

411
00:20:11.615 –> 00:20:13.875
but not doing better is a problem.

412
00:20:14.695 –> 00:20:18.435
And honestly, the therapy model is not set up

413
00:20:19.445 –> 00:20:23.225
to move forward, to have clients taking actionable steps

414
00:20:23.325 –> 00:20:25.905
to move forward into the life that they want.

415
00:20:26.245 –> 00:20:27.985
And this leads me to the next one,

416
00:20:28.315 –> 00:20:31.265
which is about holding clients accountable.

417
00:20:31.595 –> 00:20:34.345
There is a lot of tiptoeing around in the therapy office,

418
00:20:35.135 –> 00:20:37.945
tiptoeing around the problem, tiptoeing around

419
00:20:38.645 –> 00:20:39.785
the client’s feelings.

420
00:20:39.785 –> 00:20:42.545
And there’s, and it’s just a lot of like kid gloves

421
00:20:43.245 –> 00:20:46.785
and it’s not your fault and you poor thing.

422
00:20:47.225 –> 00:20:49.645
And you know, it’s about a lot

423
00:20:49.645 –> 00:20:51.965
of enabling is going on in the therapy room,

424
00:20:52.705 –> 00:20:56.565
and it, it’s just furthering victim mentality.

425
00:20:58.045 –> 00:21:00.505
It won’t surprise you to hear that, you know,

426
00:21:00.665 –> 00:21:02.865
occasionally I’ll get somebody who crosses my path

427
00:21:02.865 –> 00:21:05.305
and they hear what I’m saying and they think I’m a victim

428
00:21:05.405 –> 00:21:06.825
blamer, okay?

429
00:21:07.605 –> 00:21:12.265
But what my approach does is actually empower people

430
00:21:13.295 –> 00:21:16.945
when you are identifying with a trauma or a wound

431
00:21:16.965 –> 00:21:19.145
or something that happened to you in your past,

432
00:21:19.765 –> 00:21:22.625
and no one is willing to help you see

433
00:21:23.125 –> 00:21:27.685
how you can move forward, no one is helping you leave

434
00:21:27.685 –> 00:21:29.845
that in the past and become the person

435
00:21:29.845 –> 00:21:32.885
that you really are destined to be that you want to be.

436
00:21:34.795 –> 00:21:38.855
We can’t tiptoe around the problem, which is,

437
00:21:38.995 –> 00:21:41.615
as you all know, I believe is always us.

438
00:21:42.335 –> 00:21:44.455
I am always the problem in my life when

439
00:21:44.455 –> 00:21:45.735
something’s not working for me.

440
00:21:46.715 –> 00:21:49.625
And I want that to be the case

441
00:21:49.625 –> 00:21:53.465
because then I can just actively seek the solution to

442
00:21:53.465 –> 00:21:56.465
what it is that I’m doing wrong or not doing right,

443
00:21:56.645 –> 00:21:59.265
or a skill that I need to learn or something.

444
00:21:59.525 –> 00:22:01.905
I’m in my own way. Everybody is.

445
00:22:03.285 –> 00:22:08.205
And so really when we are stuck in our victim thinking

446
00:22:08.265 –> 00:22:12.005
and blaming your boss who, who fired you unfairly

447
00:22:12.145 –> 00:22:15.975
or you know that we’re mad at our entire society

448
00:22:15.975 –> 00:22:18.135
because things are the way that they are,

449
00:22:18.315 –> 00:22:21.655
and poor me thinking, that does not help anyone

450
00:22:22.865 –> 00:22:25.955
have agency in their lives in

451
00:22:26.095 –> 00:22:30.515
and to move forward in any kind of productive manner.

452
00:22:31.055 –> 00:22:35.405
And we all need a mirror put in front of ourselves

453
00:22:35.465 –> 00:22:37.685
and in our backside, like a 360 degree mirror.

454
00:22:38.465 –> 00:22:40.405
We want it to be held up to our face

455
00:22:40.425 –> 00:22:43.725
and to our backside by somebody who’s kind and loving

456
00:22:43.785 –> 00:22:45.765
and compassionate and not gonna judge us.

457
00:22:46.185 –> 00:22:48.805
But it needs to be put in front of our faces nonetheless.

458
00:22:49.665 –> 00:22:53.365
And no one is ever gonna solve their problems or get better

459
00:22:53.745 –> 00:22:56.165
or move forward unless they are taking

460
00:22:56.165 –> 00:22:57.485
responsibility for themselves.

461
00:22:57.825 –> 00:23:01.725
And therapists do not do this. Do not do this at all.

462
00:23:02.315 –> 00:23:04.725
It’s, that’s an, like, one of the major reasons

463
00:23:04.755 –> 00:23:06.885
that therapy is not effective at all.

464
00:23:08.215 –> 00:23:12.925
I really believe in helping people

465
00:23:13.665 –> 00:23:16.925
not just feel better, but be better.

466
00:23:18.175 –> 00:23:19.215
A pat on the back.

467
00:23:19.805 –> 00:23:22.095
It’s a, you’re not the problem, it’s their problem.

468
00:23:22.325 –> 00:23:25.615
It’s not your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong, kind

469
00:23:25.615 –> 00:23:28.935
of speaking is gonna make somebody feel better

470
00:23:29.595 –> 00:23:33.735
for like this long, two seconds, three seconds

471
00:23:34.255 –> 00:23:37.935
a day maybe, but it’s not gonna help them be better.

472
00:23:39.425 –> 00:23:43.795
So when we can help people, um, as,

473
00:23:43.855 –> 00:23:45.565
as a therapist, I’m speaking to the therapist

474
00:23:45.625 –> 00:23:47.365
and as a client, I, I want you

475
00:23:47.365 –> 00:23:49.085
to demand this of your therapist.

476
00:23:49.145 –> 00:23:52.285
Or if you’re still, if you’re still insist on going

477
00:23:52.285 –> 00:23:55.405
to therapy after the session with me today, um,

478
00:23:55.905 –> 00:23:58.205
insist on getting the truth.

479
00:23:59.025 –> 00:24:00.965
Insist that you’re working with somebody who’s going

480
00:24:00.965 –> 00:24:01.965
to give it to you straight.

481
00:24:02.555 –> 00:24:03.725
Tell it to you straight.

482
00:24:04.445 –> 00:24:08.045
That’s the only way to really get the other side

483
00:24:08.045 –> 00:24:09.605
of anything that you’re struggling with.

484
00:24:10.075 –> 00:24:13.705
Okay? So let’s now talk about

485
00:24:14.725 –> 00:24:17.905
how the, the therapy model is like,

486
00:24:17.905 –> 00:24:19.345
how the services are delivered.

487
00:24:19.595 –> 00:24:21.625
We’re moving away from the therapist training

488
00:24:22.165 –> 00:24:23.905
and into the therapy model.

489
00:24:24.165 –> 00:24:27.665
How, how it’s, how it’s all set up, which is, as most

490
00:24:27.665 –> 00:24:29.585
of everybody knows, is session by session.

491
00:24:30.135 –> 00:24:32.265
It’s either used to be only in person

492
00:24:32.405 –> 00:24:34.585
and then became more virtual.

493
00:24:35.525 –> 00:24:36.825
Um, so whether you’re sitting,

494
00:24:36.855 –> 00:24:38.665
sitting across from somebody in a room

495
00:24:38.665 –> 00:24:42.825
or you are on zoom with somebody, it’s paid by the session.

496
00:24:43.045 –> 00:24:46.265
And there’s a lot of problems with this because,

497
00:24:47.165 –> 00:24:50.145
and I’m gonna try to lay it out in a very organized way,

498
00:24:50.145 –> 00:24:51.425
even though my brain is swimming

499
00:24:51.425 –> 00:24:52.945
and I wanna spit it all out all at once.

500
00:24:54.005 –> 00:24:56.745
So first thing that’s wrong with this is

501
00:24:57.775 –> 00:25:00.745
when you are paying somebody for their time,

502
00:25:02.815 –> 00:25:07.155
you are not recognizing that there’s actually an outcome

503
00:25:07.155 –> 00:25:08.915
that you are trying to achieve.

504
00:25:09.535 –> 00:25:13.555
And you get stuck going week after week, month

505
00:25:13.555 –> 00:25:14.835
after month, year

506
00:25:14.835 –> 00:25:19.355
after year, even paying the therapist for their hour.

507
00:25:21.775 –> 00:25:24.135
I don’t know about you guys, but I don’t wanna do that.

508
00:25:25.305 –> 00:25:30.105
I want to recognize that I have a goal that I’m trying

509
00:25:30.105 –> 00:25:33.905
to achieve a result or an outcome that I really want,

510
00:25:34.645 –> 00:25:37.705
or I have a problem that I need to solve, whatever that is.

511
00:25:38.645 –> 00:25:42.895
So I want to be engaging with somebody

512
00:25:43.155 –> 00:25:44.415
or having a contract

513
00:25:44.415 –> 00:25:46.575
or an agreement with somebody for their guidance

514
00:25:46.755 –> 00:25:47.815
to get me that result.

515
00:25:49.165 –> 00:25:51.545
And if it takes one hour, great.

516
00:25:53.085 –> 00:25:56.345
If it takes 20 hours, whatever, it doesn’t matter to me

517
00:25:56.685 –> 00:25:59.985
how much time it takes to get that result.

518
00:26:00.225 –> 00:26:01.265
I want the result.

519
00:26:02.165 –> 00:26:06.985
So can you see how it might not be very effective

520
00:26:07.765 –> 00:26:10.585
to go and pay somebody for their time

521
00:26:12.675 –> 00:26:15.965
when I am, when I’m paying a contractor to work on my house,

522
00:26:16.185 –> 00:26:20.085
I’m, I’m I I’m paying them to, to remodel my kitchen.

523
00:26:20.405 –> 00:26:22.485
I want the result. I don’t care how long it takes them.

524
00:26:22.505 –> 00:26:24.845
In fact, the, the shorter the time it takes, the better,

525
00:26:25.775 –> 00:26:28.265
high, high functioning people, really successful,

526
00:26:28.375 –> 00:26:29.945
effective people value time.

527
00:26:30.655 –> 00:26:33.905
I’ll pay a lot more to get something done faster than,

528
00:26:33.905 –> 00:26:35.025
rather than dragging it out.

529
00:26:35.025 –> 00:26:36.185
That’s, that’s another thing.

530
00:26:36.185 –> 00:26:39.635
Like do you wanna go

531
00:26:39.635 –> 00:26:42.835
to some professional who’s gonna see you for a year

532
00:26:43.265 –> 00:26:46.085
or years on end to help you get to a result?

533
00:26:46.085 –> 00:26:49.245
Or would you rather know that they can say, Hey,

534
00:26:49.255 –> 00:26:50.805
we’re gonna work for this period of time.

535
00:26:52.075 –> 00:26:53.445
It’s gonna be an intense amount of time,

536
00:26:53.445 –> 00:26:55.005
but I’m gonna get it to you this result

537
00:26:55.005 –> 00:26:56.765
and we’re gonna work together and I’m gonna help you cross

538
00:26:56.765 –> 00:26:57.765
that finish line fast.

539
00:26:59.025 –> 00:27:01.825
I want that ’cause I don’t wanna stump like

540
00:27:02.085 –> 00:27:03.265
get stuck in the problem.

541
00:27:03.585 –> 00:27:05.865
I want to cross the finish line and celebrate.

542
00:27:06.705 –> 00:27:11.415
That’s what I want. So it’s just not, it’s not

543
00:27:12.265 –> 00:27:15.635
good for us to be paying somebody for their time.

544
00:27:17.505 –> 00:27:20.125
We want to be stay one, stay 100% committed to

545
00:27:20.145 –> 00:27:22.405
and focused on the desired outcome.

546
00:27:24.155 –> 00:27:25.805
It’s also not good for the therapist

547
00:27:25.995 –> 00:27:28.325
because how many hours can you work in a day?

548
00:27:28.745 –> 00:27:33.305
At some point, your ex your growth is capped,

549
00:27:33.335 –> 00:27:35.825
your financial growth is capped,

550
00:27:36.365 –> 00:27:39.865
and your, your your ca you can only go so far

551
00:27:39.865 –> 00:27:41.785
because you have only so many hours in the day.

552
00:27:43.535 –> 00:27:46.155
And if you’re getting paid by the session, you wanna have

553
00:27:46.155 –> 00:27:47.555
as many sessions as possible.

554
00:27:48.295 –> 00:27:51.235
So there’s, therein lies the conflict of interest where

555
00:27:52.145 –> 00:27:54.085
you’re supposed to be working yourself out of a job

556
00:27:55.785 –> 00:27:59.925
and to get somebody the help that they need, the solution

557
00:27:59.925 –> 00:28:02.045
that they’re looking for, looking for fast

558
00:28:02.685 –> 00:28:04.695
looking rather than bringing them back

559
00:28:04.795 –> 00:28:07.175
and scheduling the next session at the end of this one

560
00:28:07.195 –> 00:28:09.215
and then the next session at the end of that one.

561
00:28:10.235 –> 00:28:13.855
It’s not, it’s just not effective.

562
00:28:14.785 –> 00:28:17.605
My approach is that it’s not about what you’re getting,

563
00:28:18.995 –> 00:28:20.325
it’s about who you’re becoming.

564
00:28:21.225 –> 00:28:23.845
And I want you all to be thinking about that from now on.

565
00:28:23.995 –> 00:28:28.325
Whether it’s a therapist, a coach, um, a trainer, um,

566
00:28:28.885 –> 00:28:30.845
somebody that you are working with to help you.

567
00:28:32.395 –> 00:28:35.125
It’s not about what you’re getting, the number of sessions

568
00:28:35.145 –> 00:28:36.605
or the months that you’re gonna work together

569
00:28:36.825 –> 00:28:39.965
or the workbooks that you’re getting or any of those things.

570
00:28:41.195 –> 00:28:45.355
It’s who you are becoming in the process

571
00:28:47.105 –> 00:28:51.545
of doing this work, of focusing on your desired outcome.

572
00:28:52.715 –> 00:28:56.415
And to me, for most of us, that result is priceless.

573
00:28:57.925 –> 00:29:00.825
We have to be willing to invest in ourselves.

574
00:29:01.525 –> 00:29:02.865
So this is the next thing.

575
00:29:03.995 –> 00:29:07.325
Paying by session using insurance,

576
00:29:07.665 –> 00:29:09.605
paying a copay means

577
00:29:09.605 –> 00:29:14.125
that we have very little skin in the game for the process

578
00:29:14.185 –> 00:29:15.765
of change and transformation.

579
00:29:17.315 –> 00:29:19.595
150 bucks, 200 bucks for a session like

580
00:29:19.595 –> 00:29:21.195
that might hurt a little bit for some people.

581
00:29:22.845 –> 00:29:25.065
$10 copay, $20 copay.

582
00:29:26.385 –> 00:29:28.515
This is really a setup for failure

583
00:29:29.385 –> 00:29:34.105
because a, the therapist is not making enough money

584
00:29:34.205 –> 00:29:36.265
to actually live a thriving, abundant life.

585
00:29:37.215 –> 00:29:41.805
But for the client, you’re putting in, in minimum effort,

586
00:29:42.305 –> 00:29:46.365
you’re throwing the therapist a bone and you’re showing up

587
00:29:47.555 –> 00:29:51.735
and you’re, it’s not hurting enough, it’s not, your lack

588
00:29:51.735 –> 00:29:55.865
of financial investment in this experience means

589
00:29:55.865 –> 00:29:57.425
that you may be less committed.

590
00:29:57.815 –> 00:30:00.105
This is when people cancel their appointments

591
00:30:00.105 –> 00:30:02.225
because, eh, I feel better today,

592
00:30:02.605 –> 00:30:04.505
or eh, what am I gonna talk about today?

593
00:30:05.245 –> 00:30:07.825
Or I got busy so I’m not gonna go.

594
00:30:09.265 –> 00:30:13.565
And so you get stuck not really ever resolving the thing

595
00:30:13.715 –> 00:30:16.725
that you started in the first place for.

596
00:30:18.365 –> 00:30:22.255
It’s kind of just paying your dues, doing time together.

597
00:30:22.965 –> 00:30:24.775
It’s just not effective at all.

598
00:30:25.715 –> 00:30:28.455
Um, and then people end up getting stuck in the tunnel

599
00:30:28.485 –> 00:30:30.135
instead of getting to the other side.

600
00:30:30.915 –> 00:30:32.615
Um, and it’s a problem.

601
00:30:33.455 –> 00:30:35.905
Another problem with the session by session,

602
00:30:37.315 –> 00:30:40.415
as I said at the beginning, the top of mind problems.

603
00:30:40.445 –> 00:30:43.935
What brings somebody in to get the help, the guidance,

604
00:30:44.115 –> 00:30:46.375
the support that they’re looking for, the advice,

605
00:30:47.875 –> 00:30:49.135
it just becomes talking

606
00:30:51.015 –> 00:30:55.895
because there’s no foundation of education

607
00:30:56.525 –> 00:31:00.855
information curriculum, there’s lack of structure

608
00:31:01.635 –> 00:31:04.775
to help somebody move from point A, which is where they are

609
00:31:04.875 –> 00:31:07.335
to point D, which is where they want to be.

610
00:31:08.485 –> 00:31:12.225
And so it becomes, oh, this happened to me today.

611
00:31:12.305 –> 00:31:14.825
I guess I’ll talk about this. Or I remember people saying

612
00:31:14.825 –> 00:31:16.825
to me at the time, I don’t know what to talk about,

613
00:31:16.965 –> 00:31:19.025
but I had an appointment, so here I am.

614
00:31:20.565 –> 00:31:25.005
Why do that? That’s, that’s just stupid.

615
00:31:25.195 –> 00:31:29.405
It’s a waste of time for everybody when you have

616
00:31:30.325 –> 00:31:33.285
a very clear goal and the, and the two of you, the client

617
00:31:33.285 –> 00:31:36.365
and the therapist or the coach as I’m leaning towards now,

618
00:31:36.455 –> 00:31:38.165
where we’re headed in this

619
00:31:38.165 –> 00:31:41.005
conversation is where are you now?

620
00:31:41.195 –> 00:31:43.205
What are you struggling on, struggling with?

621
00:31:43.205 –> 00:31:44.765
Where are you stuck? What’s going on now?

622
00:31:45.225 –> 00:31:47.285
And what is this desired outcome, the gap?

623
00:31:47.335 –> 00:31:49.285
Where do you wanna be? Let’s get you there.

624
00:31:50.555 –> 00:31:54.785
There needs to be some kind of methodology or protocol

625
00:31:55.205 –> 00:31:57.785
or system that walks a client

626
00:31:57.785 –> 00:32:01.145
through incrementally the steps that they need to get there.

627
00:32:02.135 –> 00:32:03.385
Therapy doesn’t have that.

628
00:32:03.485 –> 00:32:04.625
You don’t know what your therapist,

629
00:32:04.775 –> 00:32:06.465
your a therapist doesn’t know

630
00:32:06.655 –> 00:32:08.545
what the client is gonna walk into the office

631
00:32:08.575 –> 00:32:09.825
talking about that day.

632
00:32:10.295 –> 00:32:12.545
It’s like willy-nilly going all over the place.

633
00:32:14.205 –> 00:32:18.835
When you are paying somebody to help you get to cross

634
00:32:18.835 –> 00:32:22.675
that finish line, you wanna know that they are going to be

635
00:32:23.955 –> 00:32:27.965
providing you a step by step method of getting there.

636
00:32:30.295 –> 00:32:33.115
And when there is a curriculum

637
00:32:33.335 –> 00:32:35.235
or some kind of educational system

638
00:32:35.375 –> 00:32:37.115
or a protocol of some kind

639
00:32:37.625 –> 00:32:40.205
that the client is doing on their own time,

640
00:32:41.465 –> 00:32:44.965
the sessions become about debriefing, asking questions

641
00:32:45.675 –> 00:32:47.365
like helping make sense of something

642
00:32:47.365 –> 00:32:48.645
that maybe doesn’t make sense.

643
00:32:48.875 –> 00:32:50.245
Getting clarification.

644
00:32:51.385 –> 00:32:55.085
How to apply the things in your life that you’ve learned in

645
00:32:55.085 –> 00:32:56.205
between sessions.

646
00:32:57.385 –> 00:32:58.835
Because a lot of people think

647
00:32:58.835 –> 00:33:00.475
that the therapy is happening in the therapy

648
00:33:00.545 –> 00:33:01.595
room and it’s not.

649
00:33:02.385 –> 00:33:05.445
What’s happening in the therapy room is the check-in

650
00:33:06.405 –> 00:33:10.385
is the exchange of information or loving kindness support.

651
00:33:11.395 –> 00:33:14.695
But the real work is being done in between sessions.

652
00:33:14.835 –> 00:33:19.565
And if there’s no kind of curriculum or classroom

653
00:33:19.665 –> 00:33:24.245
or some kind of material that provides the foundation

654
00:33:24.345 –> 00:33:27.085
for this experience, the client goes nowhere.

655
00:33:27.115 –> 00:33:28.445
They forget to work on things,

656
00:33:28.995 –> 00:33:30.565
they don’t know what they’re supposed to be doing.

657
00:33:31.505 –> 00:33:35.935
So providing this, the material step by step

658
00:33:36.015 –> 00:33:37.975
by step is so much more efficient

659
00:33:38.395 –> 00:33:41.735
and effective at helping people achieve their goals.

660
00:33:42.755 –> 00:33:46.825
Since I closed my therapy practice, I’ve been able

661
00:33:46.825 –> 00:33:50.845
to help more people than ever before thousands.

662
00:33:52.035 –> 00:33:55.375
And I’ve gotten my clients better results

663
00:33:55.595 –> 00:33:59.495
and true transformation doing things this way

664
00:34:00.235 –> 00:34:04.135
and to do it fast in less than 90 days often.

665
00:34:05.275 –> 00:34:07.095
And it’s a lasting change

666
00:34:07.725 –> 00:34:10.535
because they are committed to the process.

667
00:34:11.325 –> 00:34:13.975
They’re all in, and they’re not counting sessions

668
00:34:13.975 –> 00:34:15.495
and they’re not paying by session.

669
00:34:16.245 –> 00:34:18.735
Like, and I’m not pitching myself here.

670
00:34:18.845 –> 00:34:22.505
This is this model that I’m talking about

671
00:34:22.505 –> 00:34:24.425
that I’m gonna give you more information on in a minute,

672
00:34:24.965 –> 00:34:27.745
is really where we all need to be headed to.

673
00:34:28.835 –> 00:34:32.005
We do. I run my top tier program

674
00:34:32.065 –> 00:34:33.245
in the ready for love company.

675
00:34:33.755 –> 00:34:38.685
This way it’s a combination of the foundational materials,

676
00:34:38.785 –> 00:34:42.245
the curriculum, the education, the videos, the homework, the

677
00:34:42.995 –> 00:34:46.205
pre-thought out, designed, intentionally crafted,

678
00:34:46.205 –> 00:34:50.725
and created exercises that go with the lessons

679
00:34:52.085 –> 00:34:55.575
that people are doing on their own time so that we

680
00:34:56.135 –> 00:34:57.735
maximize the coaching time together.

681
00:34:58.235 –> 00:34:59.775
And there’s never, I don’t know

682
00:34:59.775 –> 00:35:01.015
what I wanna talk about today.

683
00:35:01.015 –> 00:35:02.695
There’s always something to talk about.

684
00:35:03.315 –> 00:35:04.895
And each step

685
00:35:05.205 –> 00:35:08.495
that builds on itself helps the client achieve a certain

686
00:35:08.495 –> 00:35:13.405
level of awareness and mastery on their own.

687
00:35:14.355 –> 00:35:17.295
And now they’re asking, well, let’s, let’s, like,

688
00:35:17.295 –> 00:35:19.495
how do I apply this to the situation in my life?

689
00:35:20.575 –> 00:35:22.715
And that’s where true transformation comes from

690
00:35:22.715 –> 00:35:25.915
because information is not the same as transformation.

691
00:35:26.695 –> 00:35:28.875
And, and just talking about your problems

692
00:35:29.145 –> 00:35:30.475
doesn’t solve them.

693
00:35:31.295 –> 00:35:33.555
So this whole episode has really been about what’s wrong

694
00:35:33.555 –> 00:35:35.515
with the therapy world and why you shouldn’t

695
00:35:35.515 –> 00:35:36.595
go and blah, blah, blah.

696
00:35:36.615 –> 00:35:38.645
So I wanna leave on a high note

697
00:35:38.705 –> 00:35:41.565
and leave you with a few things to be thinking about.

698
00:35:41.745 –> 00:35:43.725
If you do still choose to go to therapy

699
00:35:43.945 –> 00:35:44.965
and to see a therapist

700
00:35:44.965 –> 00:35:46.365
or work with a therapist to solve

701
00:35:46.965 –> 00:35:48.725
whatever’s going on in your life, fine,

702
00:35:48.745 –> 00:35:50.165
we all need help from time to time,

703
00:35:50.265 –> 00:35:52.925
but here’s how you’re gonna make the most of that experience

704
00:35:53.425 –> 00:35:55.525
and your investment, your time investment,

705
00:35:55.635 –> 00:35:58.765
your emotional investment, and your financial investment.

706
00:35:59.305 –> 00:36:02.485
Number one, I really want you to be making sure

707
00:36:02.485 –> 00:36:04.565
that this therapist is a good fit for you.

708
00:36:05.265 –> 00:36:08.165
And, and be interviewing this person for their style.

709
00:36:08.385 –> 00:36:11.045
Are they directive? Are they going to hold you accountable?

710
00:36:11.145 –> 00:36:14.005
Are they going to push back? Do they have a methodology?

711
00:36:14.865 –> 00:36:16.725
How long are you going to be working together?

712
00:36:16.915 –> 00:36:18.645
Like, get really clear on that

713
00:36:18.785 –> 00:36:23.165
and please invite the truth from your therapist.

714
00:36:23.475 –> 00:36:25.125
Tell them, I want the feedback.

715
00:36:25.425 –> 00:36:26.725
If I’m not doing something

716
00:36:26.775 –> 00:36:28.285
great, I really want you to tell me.

717
00:36:28.285 –> 00:36:30.965
Don’t just tell me how great I am. Invite that.

718
00:36:31.465 –> 00:36:33.845
And if this is somebody who doesn’t do it that way

719
00:36:33.985 –> 00:36:35.445
or is uncomfortable with that,

720
00:36:35.475 –> 00:36:37.485
then this is really not gonna be a person

721
00:36:37.485 –> 00:36:38.725
that’s gonna help you get there.

722
00:36:39.305 –> 00:36:40.445
So that’s the first one.

723
00:36:41.065 –> 00:36:44.605
The second one is to be very clear what your goals are

724
00:36:45.425 –> 00:36:49.965
and to have a very specifically solution focused approach.

725
00:36:51.095 –> 00:36:53.675
Now you may not know exactly what the goal is,

726
00:36:53.695 –> 00:36:55.155
it may be fuzzy or unclear,

727
00:36:55.255 –> 00:36:56.915
and you’re just more stuck in the pain

728
00:36:56.915 –> 00:36:58.235
or the problem that you’re in.

729
00:36:58.855 –> 00:37:00.595
But the very first thing that you’re doing

730
00:37:00.595 –> 00:37:02.995
with this person is getting clear, what is the goal?

731
00:37:03.625 –> 00:37:06.595
What am I here for? What are we working towards?

732
00:37:07.765 –> 00:37:11.495
It’s not enough to just feel better. You have to be better.

733
00:37:12.635 –> 00:37:16.695
So temporary feeling better might happen after one session.

734
00:37:17.215 –> 00:37:18.695
I, yeah, I always wanted my clients

735
00:37:18.715 –> 00:37:22.935
to feel better when they left my office after every session

736
00:37:24.215 –> 00:37:26.785
because I left them on a hopeful high note,

737
00:37:26.785 –> 00:37:28.705
feeling empowered, not

738
00:37:28.705 –> 00:37:32.465
because I told them how great they were, they felt

739
00:37:33.065 –> 00:37:36.515
a lasting sense of being better

740
00:37:37.185 –> 00:37:40.355
because they knew they had it in them

741
00:37:41.965 –> 00:37:43.745
to, to, to achieve

742
00:37:43.945 –> 00:37:45.025
whatever it is that they wanted to achieve.

743
00:37:45.685 –> 00:37:48.895
The pat on the back doesn’t last. Okay?

744
00:37:49.075 –> 00:37:50.175
So that’s the second.

745
00:37:50.595 –> 00:37:53.615
And then the third is to, to know

746
00:37:53.805 –> 00:37:55.455
that when you are going into this,

747
00:37:55.485 –> 00:37:57.455
your therapist is not going to save you.

748
00:37:58.805 –> 00:38:00.175
Your wins are not theirs.

749
00:38:01.025 –> 00:38:03.995
Your struggles, your, your failures, your, your, you know,

750
00:38:04.305 –> 00:38:06.355
hard times are not theirs either.

751
00:38:06.545 –> 00:38:08.035
They are yours and you need

752
00:38:08.035 –> 00:38:09.875
to take ownership over this process.

753
00:38:10.465 –> 00:38:13.195
They are here to guide you, not to save you.

754
00:38:13.695 –> 00:38:16.435
And you have to go all in on

755
00:38:17.335 –> 00:38:19.555
fixing whatever’s going wrong in your life

756
00:38:19.895 –> 00:38:23.105
or changing behaviors that you have that are not working

757
00:38:23.105 –> 00:38:26.185
for you or getting to the other side of whatever it is

758
00:38:26.185 –> 00:38:28.145
that’s, that’s got you stuck right now.

759
00:38:28.415 –> 00:38:30.345
It’s on you. This is about you.

760
00:38:31.365 –> 00:38:35.025
And the goal of your work with this person is to help you be

761
00:38:35.635 –> 00:38:40.045
more self-sufficient, more autonomous, more self-reliant

762
00:38:40.585 –> 00:38:44.005
to help you trust yourself, to get you to a place

763
00:38:44.005 –> 00:38:46.405
where you are self-centered.

764
00:38:47.785 –> 00:38:49.725
So thanks for listening. Part

765
00:38:49.725 –> 00:38:51.085
of my very strong opinions today.

766
00:38:51.805 –> 00:38:54.405
I hope it was helpful and I’ll see you next time.

767
00:38:55.435 –> 00:38:57.695
Thanks so much for joining the conversation today.

768
00:38:57.975 –> 00:38:59.415
I hope you learned something new

769
00:38:59.995 –> 00:39:01.855
or heard something that inspired you

770
00:39:01.875 –> 00:39:03.695
to take action in a new way.

771
00:39:04.275 –> 00:39:05.895
As your greatest champion

772
00:39:06.115 –> 00:39:09.215
and someone who truly cares about your love, happiness,

773
00:39:09.215 –> 00:39:12.775
wealth, and success, I always want to encourage you

774
00:39:12.835 –> 00:39:16.815
to ask yourself this question, how have I contributed?

775
00:39:17.475 –> 00:39:19.615
You are the only person who can ask this

776
00:39:19.715 –> 00:39:21.815
and the only one who can answer it.

777
00:39:22.565 –> 00:39:26.055
This doesn’t just change your life, this changes everything.

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