Episode 07

Why We Should All Quit Being Selfless
(and how this benefits everyone)

Let's explore how embracing a more self-centered approach can lead to healthier relationships and a happier, more authentic life.
  • Self-Centered is Not Wrong: Understanding that prioritizing yourself is not selfish but essential for your well-being and the well-being of others around you.
  • Reevaluate Personal Values: Encourages listeners to reconsider what they’ve been taught about selflessness and to understand the positive impacts of being more self-centered.
  • Practical Steps to Change: Offers actionable advice on how to shift from a selfless to a self-centered mindset without guilt.
  • Empowerment Through Self-Prioritization: Highlights how taking care of yourSELF without resorting to negative coping mechanisms or internalization (which leads to dis-ease) leads to a more authentic and fulfilling life.
41 min.

YOU Really Are The Center of The Universe

Download this simple graphic printable to help you remember to put yourSELF first, because everything else in your life radiates out from how YOU are doing, feeling, and acting. Stick it on your fridge, put it in your purse, tack it to your mirror, and tell yourSELF: turns out you really are the center of the universe.

Show Notes

Hello, listeners! Welcome back to this week’s episode of The Hilary Silver Podcast. In today’s episode, titled “Why We Should All Quit Being Selfless (and how this benefits everyone),” we take on the notion of selflessness and its impact on our lives and those around us. We often hear that being selfless is virtuous, but could it be causing more harm than good? Let’s explore how embracing a more self-centered approach can lead to healthier relationships and a happier, more authentic life.

Episode Highlights:
  • Understanding selflessness and its hidden costs.
  • The difference between being selfless and being centered in oneself.
  • Interviews and discussions with my Creative Director about real-life experiences and professional insights.
  • Practical advice on shifting from selflessness to being self-centered in a healthy way.
In this episode you’ll learn…
[00:00:00] Introduction to the topic and its importance.
[00:01:15] Hilary shares personal stories and insights on selflessness.
[00:15:00] Discussion with guest Jess about societal expectations and personal experiences.
[00:30:00] Practical tips on how to start prioritizing oneself.
[00:45:00] Q&A session with listeners, addressing their struggles and questions.

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Really, by definition,

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like selfless self does not equal less.

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I mean, just, just the word,

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the way it’s spelled, the way it’s written.

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Selfless, selfless. No self is not less. Everyone.

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Self maybe is not more than other,

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but in my world, my is more than anyone.

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Hi, it’s Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast.

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The world doesn’t revolve around you.

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Did you ever hear these words from a parent or a caregiver?

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Likely this was said to you when you were a child

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and you were developmentally, appropriately

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wanting something as a child that was important to you,

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and you were relentless and pushing for it.

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Whether it was toys or time or attention.

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You are busy, overwhelmed, distracted parents said to you in

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that moment what was probably said to them, which is,

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the world doesn’t revolve around you.

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Meaning stop being so selfish. You’re not the only one here.

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You know? And, and the message is, you don’t matter.

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And what you want isn’t important.

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You’re no more important than anyone else.

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And so let the socialization begin

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in today’s conversation, I intend to flip that script

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and to dismantle the long held belief

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and paradigm that it is noble to be selfless.

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Because despite what you’ve been told, you are the center

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of the universe, your universe.

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And this is a good thing for you

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and all of the people in your life.

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On today’s episode, I’ve invited again, my good friend Jess,

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and my creative director to join the conversation

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because, well, Jess has been with me for about 12 years.

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She’s now done, I think, five

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or six websites with me in that time.

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And by the way, if you somehow made it

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to this podcast without finding Hillary silver.com website,

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you should check it out because it’s stunning.

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And I’m in love with it. And Jess always delivers the best

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websites and design and brand, and you should check it out.

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But I share that with you because, you know, the,

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the process of creating a brand

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and a website is very intimate.

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And Jess knows me like no one else.

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She knows me inside and out, unfiltered Hillary.

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And I thought it would be important for her to be here

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to have this conversation today,

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because we’re disrupting things.

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And, um, again, ruffling feathers.

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And Jess, you understand where I’m coming from.

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And so I think, and also, you know, we’re both moms

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and we both run mega businesses.

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And, um,

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and you know, I thought it would be fun

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to have this conversation today with you for all the people

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who are listening, although men

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and women who are listening who need to hear this message.

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So welcome to the call today. Thank you.

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I am so excited to be here. I love this topic. Me too.

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Okay, so little bit of background.

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Um, again, like the intro said, we,

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we were all taught this.

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Most of us heard that phrase.

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There are other phrases that our parents said to us, like,

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um, things like, I’ll give you something to cry about

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when we were being loud or crying

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or emotional, like terrible things like that.

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And, and I think that the, what happens is in those moments,

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parents, whether it was your parent to you

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or you as a parent,

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’cause I’m guilty of saying stuff like this, um,

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that’s really in the heat of the moment.

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Um, that’s not helpful.

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But, but I think that,

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that this particular message about the world not revolving

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around you, um, comes from a place of parents trying

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to teach children empathy

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and to live in a society where you’re not the only one.

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Um, but it is true developmentally children

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until about 12.

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Um, our brains just operate that way.

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And, and we, we are kind of self-consumed, self-absorbed,

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and we learn over time from our parents and,

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and how we are raised to not think that way.

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So a combination of our brain development

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and our parenting, the mentoring, the messaging.

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So it’s not an all in all a bad message.

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We have to teach our children, Hey,

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you can’t behave that way.

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There’s other people around you.

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You can’t scream and cry in a, in a restaurant.

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That’s not acceptable.

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So there’s some coaching

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and mentoring that needs to be happening to, for kids,

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but there’s a difference between stopping in the moment and,

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and actually really doing the coaching

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and mentoring with your child, which would sound like, Hey,

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Hilary, I know you really need this or want this right now,

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but mommy’s very busy in the moment,

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so give me just a few minutes

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and then we can take care of, of what you need.

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And that’s teaching. Yes, I’m gonna take care of you.

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Yes, you matter, but Mommy’s doing something else right now.

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Or, I know you really want that,

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and I know that’s really important to you, but your sister

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or your brother want this.

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And so we need to figure out

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how everyone can get their needs met

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or how everybody can be happy.

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And the problem is, that’s an ideal world.

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And we don’t live in an ideal world.

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Parents are distracted, busy, overwhelmed,

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and we’re not always our best selves.

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And we say things like, you know, for the love of God,

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the world doesn’t revolve around you, blah, blah, blah.

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And, um,

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and what happens is to that child in that moment,

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the message is shaming.

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It’s humiliating. How dare you think that you matter?

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How dare you think that you’re important?

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It’s shaming to the child.

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They think, oh, it’s bad to ask for what I want.

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It’s bad to ask for what I need.

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And I’m bad because I did that.

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And, and like I said, and so it begins the indoctrination

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into this culturally accepted

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and mandated even way of being,

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which is, I don’t matter.

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I’m not important. It’s bad to be living a life where

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I have needs and I get them met and I request

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or ask for what I want.

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And other people matter more.

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The selflessness being like literally trained in and,

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and pre and programmed into this operating system,

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which is our brain of how to live.

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So I wanna ask you, Jess, did you hear those messages?

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Did you, did anybody ever say that to you?

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Yes, of course, of course. Yeah, of course.

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I heard the messages and I’ve said the messages too, right?

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And intentionally not meaning to communicate those things,

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but just being in that spot, like you said,

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like overwhelmed, busy, you know, distracted

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and just trying to get them to just put a pause, right?

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Not right. I’m not saying no, I’m just saying not right now.

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So, yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.

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I mean, I, I’ve done that,

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especially when my kids were younger, when, you know,

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oh my gosh, I felt like my hands were fuller.

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Now that they’re older, it’s different.

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It’s a different season of life. Um, but it’s true.

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Nobody’s perfect. But I have learned, um, over time

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to say things better and to say things differently.

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And both of my kids are why kids, like they wanna know why.

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And I, I learned, if I can explain it to them, um,

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like the why of my no or the why of my yes,

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or the why of whatever decision I’m making

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after that, there was no arguing, arguing, you know,

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there was, they just accepted it.

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It was so much easier to give them the minute

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of explanation, and then it resolved the pushback,

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the debate, the con, you know, the constant, like pushing

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for them to get what they need.

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And I’ll literally say, I really want to hear

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what you’re telling me right now,

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but I’ve got other things that I’m doing in the moment,

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and I can’t give you my full attention.

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So hang on and I’ll be with you in a minute,

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because that says, you’re important to me

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and you matter so much so that I can’t do it right now,

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but I wanna do it when I can give you my full attention.

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So what happens then?

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Let’s go back to, you know, the initial, ooh,

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the world doesn’t revolve around you.

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And so it begins over and over and over again.

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We live in a society

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and in a culture that really promotes this

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selfless way of living.

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Other people matter more,

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and we hear that in, she would give you the clothes off

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of her back, you know,

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and we somehow hold up on a pedestal, people who

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live this way, taking care of everyone,

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putting themselves last, this very like,

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false virtue of selflessness.

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Because I, I truly believe

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that giving a gift you can’t afford to give isn’t a gift.

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Um, it’s a lie.

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And, and maybe it’s not a financial that you can’t afford,

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but it’s a time thing that you can’t afford.

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Like doing a favor for somebody that you can’t,

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you don’t have the time to do.

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Or, um, listening

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to somebody’s problem when you don’t emotionally in the

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moment have the capacity to take that on.

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So it’s not a gift, it’s a lie.

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But when we believe that it’s noble

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and we are a good person to sacrifice ourselves

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for the sake of somebody else, it’s damaging.

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And I will go so far as to say, living a life

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very much like this is causing all kinds of

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disease, dis-ease, discomfort.

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Um, to me it’s, it’s this

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mind body connection.

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We’re talking about the mind body connection.

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Like this is what it is.

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Ultimately, when you’re not living your truth,

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living authentically, freely flowing in the world, like,

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this is what I want, and this is what I need,

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and this is who I am, and this is how I feel.

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Hello world, this is me.

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And instead we’re holding that back trying

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to be this good person, which is a selfless person,

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which is that I don’t matter.

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And everyone else comes first. And I put myself last.

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We are basically, it’s like we’re biting our tongues

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and we’re holding back our truth.

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And, um, why do you think it is that so many more women

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struggle with autoimmune disease than men?

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You know, there’s a lot of, um, autoimmune stuff going on.

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And, and, you know, I haven’t done the,

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the scientific research with, you know,

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quantitative analysis in my white lab coat,

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but I can tell you year after year client

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after client listening to this, those

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who have thyroid disease, Hashimoto’s, um, any kind

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of autoimmune disease at all is our,

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our people who live this way.

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Because by definition,

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autoimmune is your body attacking itself.

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What happens when you are stuffed down, when you

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are pushed down and you’re holding all that in?

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To me, that’s toxicity.

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And it’s, it’s you attacking you by not freely flowing

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and letting it all out and being free in this world.

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So what do you think, Jess,

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do you see that in your world, in the work that you do?

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Like you work with like some of the top health

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and wellness experts in the world,

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in the mental health space,

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in the wellbeing space and the health.

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Like you work with these people, what do you see?

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Yeah, and I also work, let me just add onto that

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because I also work with mostly women, mostly high powered,

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extremely successful business women who are also mothers.

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So I also see this kind of behavior in other clients, right,

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who are extremely successful overachieving,

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just basically bottom line, they make a ton of money, right?

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But I also see that in these same women, there tends

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to be a trend of either self abandonment, um,

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I’ll watch a lot of them go through phases

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where I can see they’re really not taking care

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of themselves, right?

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Or they’re, they’re just deprioritizing, right?

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And I have also been guilty of that.

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I’ve had an up

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and down struggle with weight myself stemming from that kind

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of behavior, right?

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Of just putting my own self just completely last,

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not even last on the list,

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just not on the list at all, right?

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It’s completely focusing so much on my business,

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so much on my family, so much on meeting other

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needs all the time.

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Everywhere of you’re demanding high powered clients

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trying to make them happy.

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Yeah, exactly. And,

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and not being able, not being equipped, right?

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To understand, okay, yes, I will do the job,

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but I will do the job at the time

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that the job should be done, right?

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And, and putting myself first understanding that

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that doesn’t only help me, but that also helps the client.

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Because if I’m not showing up as the best version of myself,

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how am I supposed to help somebody else?

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How am I supposed to help somebody else build their business

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when I’m brain foggy, exhausted, tired,

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burnout, all those other things, right?

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Like, you’re not showing up in your

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best way to help other people.

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And that applies to our kids as well, right?

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Just showing up

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for them when we’re not showing up as our best selves.

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Like we’re just giving them an empty shell. Yes.

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Second best. So this is, this is per the perfect time.

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So I wanna insert here, um, that, like, I,

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I wrote this down, um, and I’m gonna read it

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because it’s a quote from an Instagram post.

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I’m not gonna name the account,

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but there is a lot of this going on, a lot of this going on,

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which is glorifying this nobility

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of being a martyr.

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And, um, and,

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and it says a lot that accounts like this are

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so highly followed and they go viral

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because A, so many women and men too feel this way,

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but b, they want to feel seen and vindicated.

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And yes, I feel that way.

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You get me, you know, this struggle is real,

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but what, what, when I read it through the lens

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that I see the world is I see it,

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I see the problem in it.

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So let me read it. This post says, moms aren’t angry,

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she’s overwhelmed, she’s burnt out.

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She puts everyone else’s needs before her own.

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She’s exhausted from life admin.

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She’s tired from carrying the mental load.

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She’s overstimulated from the amount

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00:15:36.005 –> 00:15:37.685
of noise her day is filled with.

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She’s feeling intense mom guilt

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that anything she does isn’t good enough.

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She doesn’t recognize herself. She’s drowning in motherhood.

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And it’s often mistaken for anger.

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And like, I think it just, it caught fire.

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And other posts by other people like

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that are going viral.

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So again, it tells me there’s a lot of people

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00:16:02.845 –> 00:16:06.165
who feel this way, which is a problem, it’s an epidemic,

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00:16:07.505 –> 00:16:10.365
but we’re not solving the problem by

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over identifying with this as if we all get a gold star

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for being this way.

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It’s being held up as, yes, you deserve an award

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for your suffering.

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And, and I just, I see this

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and I think, oh my God,

324
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this is really glorifying victim mentality because,

325
00:16:32.105 –> 00:16:33.925
and here’s the crux of our conversation.

326
00:16:35.975 –> 00:16:39.765
This is self-imposed. It is self-imposed.

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00:16:40.275 –> 00:16:42.885
Look, the realities of motherhood are real.

328
00:16:43.725 –> 00:16:45.405
Women do carry the mental load.

329
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If you’re in a a heterosexual relationship,

330
00:16:48.735 –> 00:16:50.565
women carry the mental load.

331
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If you’re, if you’re in a same sex relationship

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or any other, you know, whatever kind of relationship

333
00:16:56.285 –> 00:16:57.525
that you’re in, and you have parents

334
00:16:57.825 –> 00:17:01.005
or you are parents, then one of you

335
00:17:01.945 –> 00:17:04.085
is the primary caregiver.

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00:17:04.945 –> 00:17:07.725
One of you is functioning more as the manager,

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00:17:07.985 –> 00:17:11.645
and the other is more, you know, free spirited.

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00:17:11.705 –> 00:17:15.365
That’s, um, um, Dave Ramsey language.

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00:17:15.545 –> 00:17:16.605
One of you is the free spirit,

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00:17:16.625 –> 00:17:18.125
and one of you as the manager, he talks about

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00:17:18.125 –> 00:17:19.205
that in finances.

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00:17:19.225 –> 00:17:21.605
But it’s kind of true in how we set up our lives.

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00:17:22.425 –> 00:17:26.725
So in this case, we’re talking about moms being this way.

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And it’s a, so the problem is, and,

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00:17:31.975 –> 00:17:35.775
and this is what’s hard to hear, people want to feel

346
00:17:36.565 –> 00:17:39.335
righteous in their suffering.

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00:17:40.785 –> 00:17:42.235
Look what I’m doing, everybody.

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I’m taking care of everyone else but me.

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00:17:45.055 –> 00:17:49.075
Oh, you know, and it’s not noble

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00:17:49.135 –> 00:17:51.735
because here’s the thing, you end up suffering.

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You might make everyone around you happy

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00:17:54.515 –> 00:17:56.335
or you think that you’re making them happy

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00:17:56.335 –> 00:17:58.895
because you’re doing all these things for all people.

354
00:17:59.075 –> 00:18:02.015
The PTA, your neighbors, the community, your church,

355
00:18:02.435 –> 00:18:05.095
all the places that you belong, your friends, your clients.

356
00:18:06.465 –> 00:18:09.245
You think that you’re making everybody happy

357
00:18:09.465 –> 00:18:11.925
and spreading yourself so thin in the meantime

358
00:18:12.795 –> 00:18:16.445
that maybe everybody in your life is happy, but you’re not.

359
00:18:17.915 –> 00:18:22.775
And the, the faulty thinking here is, is that we need

360
00:18:22.775 –> 00:18:27.135
to sacrifice ourselves to make everybody else happy

361
00:18:28.125 –> 00:18:31.335
when in fact, I don’t believe anybody

362
00:18:31.945 –> 00:18:33.175
wants us to be doing that.

363
00:18:35.405 –> 00:18:39.285
I don’t, I don’t want anyone to do something for me

364
00:18:40.105 –> 00:18:42.165
if they cannot do it.

365
00:18:42.675 –> 00:18:46.125
They do not want to do it if it’s not good

366
00:18:46.125 –> 00:18:47.525
for them to do so.

367
00:18:49.025 –> 00:18:52.075
Because again, this goes back to one of our lying episodes.

368
00:18:52.545 –> 00:18:54.835
It’s lying. And I don’t wanna be lied to.

369
00:18:54.975 –> 00:18:57.795
And I don’t want somebody to sign up to do something for me,

370
00:18:58.215 –> 00:19:00.235
and then feel resentful towards me for that.

371
00:19:01.325 –> 00:19:02.845
’cause I didn’t do it. They did.

372
00:19:03.585 –> 00:19:05.605
So the second problem with this,

373
00:19:05.945 –> 00:19:10.345
and this is the most important thing of all thinking,

374
00:19:10.345 –> 00:19:13.185
that moms, moms thinking that they need to be this way

375
00:19:14.005 –> 00:19:16.425
or people in general thinking they need to be this way.

376
00:19:16.765 –> 00:19:20.555
But in the case with this quote that I just read, is that

377
00:19:21.215 –> 00:19:24.725
if everyone is thinking mom is angry, is

378
00:19:24.725 –> 00:19:26.725
that actually really good for anyone?

379
00:19:28.005 –> 00:19:31.895
It’s not. Because I work with adults

380
00:19:32.595 –> 00:19:34.255
who had moms who were like this.

381
00:19:34.755 –> 00:19:37.815
And I can tell you it’s damaging to their little spirits.

382
00:19:38.315 –> 00:19:39.895
It damages their self-worth.

383
00:19:40.365 –> 00:19:43.015
They grow up and they tell me in their forties, fifties,

384
00:19:43.015 –> 00:19:47.095
sixties, seventies even, I grew up with a,

385
00:19:47.165 –> 00:19:52.075
with my family in my household, where my mom kind

386
00:19:52.075 –> 00:19:55.115
of made it clear she was miserable, she was unhappy,

387
00:19:55.615 –> 00:19:59.555
she was resentful, she was unfulfilled, she was angry.

388
00:20:00.095 –> 00:20:01.515
My mom didn’t like her life.

389
00:20:02.035 –> 00:20:03.835
I felt like my mom didn’t like me.

390
00:20:04.635 –> 00:20:07.235
I felt like I had to take care of my mom.

391
00:20:07.955 –> 00:20:10.035
I felt like I couldn’t ask for what I needed

392
00:20:10.035 –> 00:20:12.355
because my mom was already overwhelmed.

393
00:20:13.055 –> 00:20:17.395
And that teaches children to, again, this selflessness.

394
00:20:17.675 –> 00:20:18.795
I better not speak up.

395
00:20:19.035 –> 00:20:20.875
’cause I don’t wanna cause more work for my parents.

396
00:20:21.155 –> 00:20:23.115
I better not ask for anything

397
00:20:23.115 –> 00:20:26.035
because my parents are already overburdened.

398
00:20:27.395 –> 00:20:29.595
I might just be told, stop being so selfish.

399
00:20:31.645 –> 00:20:33.825
And there it goes, generation

400
00:20:33.825 –> 00:20:35.425
after generation, after generation.

401
00:20:35.565 –> 00:20:39.185
But it’s so a mom acting this way

402
00:20:39.965 –> 00:20:43.345
is not good for her, her mental health, her quality

403
00:20:43.365 –> 00:20:45.065
of life, her soul.

404
00:20:46.125 –> 00:20:48.965
And it’s actually not good for anyone around her

405
00:20:49.105 –> 00:20:51.765
who feels this oozing out of her.

406
00:20:52.385 –> 00:20:53.445
You can’t hide that.

407
00:20:54.635 –> 00:20:56.495
You can’t, she even said, mom’s not angry.

408
00:20:56.875 –> 00:20:59.415
It looks like anger. Well, I don’t want to walk

409
00:20:59.415 –> 00:21:00.975
around in my life having my family

410
00:21:00.975 –> 00:21:02.135
think I’m angry all the time.

411
00:21:06.145 –> 00:21:09.325
And the, and the, the insidious part of this

412
00:21:09.995 –> 00:21:12.605
that I’m calling out today is

413
00:21:12.605 –> 00:21:14.045
that we are doing it to ourselves.

414
00:21:15.815 –> 00:21:20.705
No one’s making us do this. We choose to have kids.

415
00:21:22.465 –> 00:21:25.125
We do. We choose to have kids. 1, 2, 3, 10 of them.

416
00:21:26.705 –> 00:21:29.725
Oh my God. You know, we choose to have kids.

417
00:21:30.505 –> 00:21:34.125
And while it’s true, I don’t think we’re really kind of

418
00:21:35.045 –> 00:21:37.445
prepared for what that does to us.

419
00:21:37.905 –> 00:21:39.485
And the tasks and the load

420
00:21:39.485 –> 00:21:41.205
that we take on when we have kids,

421
00:21:41.455 –> 00:21:42.845
we’re not kind of told these things.

422
00:21:43.025 –> 00:21:44.445
And there’s no way to prepare for it.

423
00:21:44.545 –> 00:21:47.285
It feels like if I knew that this was

424
00:21:47.285 –> 00:21:48.565
what my life was gonna be like

425
00:21:48.565 –> 00:21:50.645
after having kids, maybe I wouldn’t have had kids at all.

426
00:21:50.705 –> 00:21:53.605
Who, who knows. But

427
00:21:54.315 –> 00:21:57.125
nonetheless, we are adults and we’re making these choices.

428
00:21:59.165 –> 00:22:03.385
So personally for me, when I feel myself slipping into

429
00:22:04.665 –> 00:22:07.915
poor me thinking, poor me, I’m a victim to my family.

430
00:22:08.095 –> 00:22:10.755
I’m a victim to my life that I’ve created,

431
00:22:12.155 –> 00:22:13.995
I gotta call b******t on myself.

432
00:22:15.325 –> 00:22:18.545
And it quickly pulls me out of feeling like a martyr

433
00:22:18.545 –> 00:22:22.945
or a victim in my own life that I’ve created by choice.

434
00:22:24.245 –> 00:22:28.785
My kids don’t have to carry the load of my overwhelm

435
00:22:30.485 –> 00:22:33.965
and, and my household doesn’t have to suffer

436
00:22:34.155 –> 00:22:36.325
because I’m depleted and exhausted.

437
00:22:38.075 –> 00:22:40.775
So, and no one’s going to pat me on the back

438
00:22:40.835 –> 00:22:44.875
or give me a gold medal for suffering.

439
00:22:46.225 –> 00:22:49.275
They would all rather see me make time for myself.

440
00:22:50.715 –> 00:22:54.525
They would all rather see me delegate, hire, help, ask

441
00:22:54.525 –> 00:22:57.565
for help, be more organized so that everyone has a job

442
00:22:57.625 –> 00:22:58.725
to do in the house.

443
00:22:58.875 –> 00:23:01.045
Take the load off. You know?

444
00:23:02.775 –> 00:23:06.715
So I know it’s like a big heavy hitting message,

445
00:23:08.235 –> 00:23:12.625
but it’s, it needs to be said, did I get it all?

446
00:23:12.625 –> 00:23:14.705
Jess, you’ve heard me say this s**t over and over.

447
00:23:14.845 –> 00:23:19.545
You hear me all the time saying these things.

448
00:23:19.725 –> 00:23:22.585
And when I see this s**t come across my feed on Instagram,

449
00:23:23.045 –> 00:23:24.145
you know, I’m messaging it to you.

450
00:23:24.145 –> 00:23:27.585
And I’m like, ah, please stop doing this.

451
00:23:27.845 –> 00:23:30.065
Did I did, did I get it all? What did I miss?

452
00:23:31.645 –> 00:23:32.845
I don’t think you missed anything.

453
00:23:33.125 –> 00:23:34.645
I think that a lot of us are raised

454
00:23:34.675 –> 00:23:38.405
that this is a values-based way to live, right?

455
00:23:38.435 –> 00:23:40.285
That we’re told, okay, this is,

456
00:23:40.835 –> 00:23:42.725
this is the best way to live.

457
00:23:42.865 –> 00:23:45.965
And that is, you know, the golden rule way, right?

458
00:23:46.255 –> 00:23:47.885
Treat others at like,

459
00:23:48.095 –> 00:23:50.365
treat others the way you want to be treated.

460
00:23:51.185 –> 00:23:54.285
But what that is, but you can, but the reverse is also true.

461
00:23:54.775 –> 00:23:58.405
Treat yourself the way you treat others. Yeah. Right?

462
00:23:58.405 –> 00:24:01.365
And if it was messaged to us that way, treat yourself

463
00:24:02.025 –> 00:24:04.165
the way you treat others, I think

464
00:24:04.165 –> 00:24:06.325
that’s the more valuable way.

465
00:24:06.795 –> 00:24:09.565
Yeah. A because that isn’t teaching us,

466
00:24:09.905 –> 00:24:11.325
that’s teaching us empathy.

467
00:24:11.395 –> 00:24:14.565
It’s teaching us that other people do matter, right?

468
00:24:14.665 –> 00:24:16.565
But it’s also teaching us that, hey,

469
00:24:16.685 –> 00:24:17.845
I fall in that category too.

470
00:24:18.045 –> 00:24:22.005
I am a person too. Yeah. Right?

471
00:24:23.045 –> 00:24:25.805
I don’t understand the golden rule way of like, again,

472
00:24:25.835 –> 00:24:29.965
it’s indoctrination from a very little, when we’re little,

473
00:24:30.945 –> 00:24:32.675
from a very young age, all

474
00:24:32.675 –> 00:24:34.435
of us are being sent these messages.

475
00:24:34.665 –> 00:24:38.875
It’s bad to be, to make yourself important, it’s bad.

476
00:24:38.975 –> 00:24:41.275
But then when we’re adults, we’re trying

477
00:24:41.275 –> 00:24:42.875
to decondition that with language.

478
00:24:42.875 –> 00:24:44.075
Like, love yourself first.

479
00:24:44.175 –> 00:24:47.755
Put your own oxygen mask on first. You know, all that crap.

480
00:24:48.455 –> 00:24:51.875
But if we could just like learn as a society

481
00:24:52.455 –> 00:24:55.875
to change the way we’re talking about it from a very early

482
00:24:56.175 –> 00:25:00.505
age, there’s not a lot of damage to undo at some point.

483
00:25:01.605 –> 00:25:04.865
And um, really by definition,

484
00:25:04.975 –> 00:25:07.985
like selfless self does not equal less.

485
00:25:09.615 –> 00:25:12.055
I mean, just, just the word, the way it’s spelled,

486
00:25:12.055 –> 00:25:14.615
the way it’s written, selfless, selfless,

487
00:25:14.995 –> 00:25:17.495
no self is not less everyone.

488
00:25:18.605 –> 00:25:20.975
Self maybe is not more than other.

489
00:25:21.795 –> 00:25:26.125
But in my world, myself is more than anyone

490
00:25:26.675 –> 00:25:29.925
because I have to recognize,

491
00:25:31.315 –> 00:25:35.415
am I doing something for other that isn’t good for me?

492
00:25:36.555 –> 00:25:41.485
Because if it’s not, then I need to think very carefully,

493
00:25:41.485 –> 00:25:43.965
thoughtfully, and intentionally about whether I’m going

494
00:25:43.965 –> 00:25:45.045
to do that thing or not.

495
00:25:46.355 –> 00:25:47.725
Sometimes I still will,

496
00:25:48.665 –> 00:25:51.525
but I’m not doing it from a place of sacrifice.

497
00:25:52.245 –> 00:25:56.845
I have to, I need to be a good person, blah, blah.

498
00:25:57.225 –> 00:25:59.165
I’m doing it because, you know,

499
00:25:59.325 –> 00:26:00.765
I actually do have the capacity.

500
00:26:01.565 –> 00:26:03.515
Maybe I don’t really want to right now,

501
00:26:03.655 –> 00:26:05.635
but I think I’m gonna be happy with myself

502
00:26:05.655 –> 00:26:07.955
for doing it later because this is in

503
00:26:07.955 –> 00:26:08.995
alignment with my values.

504
00:26:10.675 –> 00:26:13.365
It’s not saying I’m never gonna give to other people

505
00:26:13.365 –> 00:26:14.445
and that other people don’t matter.

506
00:26:14.625 –> 00:26:18.655
But we have to, you know, when people are,

507
00:26:18.655 –> 00:26:20.495
have a radical approach to something

508
00:26:20.555 –> 00:26:23.495
and they’re so extreme to one side

509
00:26:23.495 –> 00:26:26.935
of a spectrum on something, they seem so radical.

510
00:26:28.155 –> 00:26:31.625
And maybe that’s not for everyone. For me it’s not.

511
00:26:32.365 –> 00:26:37.305
But we need those people to push the limit so that all

512
00:26:37.305 –> 00:26:39.905
of us can slowly move over just a few degrees.

513
00:26:40.965 –> 00:26:45.685
And so I’m not taking a radical approach to this, um, and,

514
00:26:45.705 –> 00:26:48.885
and living that way to the umph degree,

515
00:26:49.465 –> 00:26:50.885
but I do wanna point out,

516
00:26:50.985 –> 00:26:55.485
we all can make inroads in shifting this for ourselves.

517
00:26:56.525 –> 00:27:00.265
Um, because we, it’s just not good for us.

518
00:27:01.175 –> 00:27:02.345
It’s just not.

519
00:27:03.255 –> 00:27:06.835
Um, and so when we’re talking about the world not revolving

520
00:27:06.835 –> 00:27:08.635
around us, it does.

521
00:27:10.245 –> 00:27:12.755
Years ago, Jess, you created a little graphic

522
00:27:12.855 –> 00:27:13.995
for me to go with this.

523
00:27:14.115 –> 00:27:15.635
I mean, I’ve been talking about this for probably

524
00:27:16.195 –> 00:27:17.235
14, 15 years now.

525
00:27:18.055 –> 00:27:21.355
And in the, in the little graphic, maybe we can recreate it

526
00:27:21.355 –> 00:27:22.675
and throw it in the show notes.

527
00:27:23.215 –> 00:27:24.555
Um, let’s do that.

528
00:27:25.685 –> 00:27:29.505
But the original version of it was, you know, this circle

529
00:27:30.085 –> 00:27:31.545
and in the circle is you,

530
00:27:32.085 –> 00:27:36.305
and then within you, like everything sprouts like a sun ray.

531
00:27:36.605 –> 00:27:38.585
You know, like for those of you who aren’t watching the,

532
00:27:38.685 –> 00:27:41.145
the this, um, who aren’t watching this podcast,

533
00:27:41.245 –> 00:27:44.465
but you’re listening, you know, imagine like, you know,

534
00:27:44.465 –> 00:27:48.345
the sun ray, you know, shining out from this, from the sun.

535
00:27:48.345 –> 00:27:50.745
Like we are the sun in our own life

536
00:27:51.405 –> 00:27:53.585
and everything orbits around us.

537
00:27:54.405 –> 00:27:58.745
If I show up full and whole and healthy and happy

538
00:27:58.925 –> 00:28:02.345
and healed and fulfilled

539
00:28:02.885 –> 00:28:06.225
and not depleted, I have more to give

540
00:28:07.185 –> 00:28:09.205
to all the other areas of my life.

541
00:28:10.025 –> 00:28:11.365
My kids are happier with me

542
00:28:11.365 –> 00:28:12.605
and those relationships are better.

543
00:28:13.025 –> 00:28:16.565
My partner is, is is happier with me

544
00:28:16.565 –> 00:28:19.765
because I’m not crazy grumpy, p****d off,

545
00:28:20.245 –> 00:28:21.445
stomping around or whatever.

546
00:28:21.625 –> 00:28:23.805
I’m not short or short-tempered or whatever.

547
00:28:24.165 –> 00:28:26.485
’cause I’m better me, I’m a better me.

548
00:28:26.905 –> 00:28:29.485
My business thrives when I’m not running on fumes

549
00:28:29.485 –> 00:28:30.485
or I’m feeling resentful

550
00:28:30.485 –> 00:28:33.205
because I’ve taken on too much by the way,

551
00:28:34.115 –> 00:28:35.605
I’ve done that to myself.

552
00:28:36.625 –> 00:28:39.885
So I think it’s important for us

553
00:28:39.945 –> 00:28:42.125
to all have this new visual in our lives

554
00:28:42.475 –> 00:28:46.565
that we are at the center of our own universe.

555
00:28:47.225 –> 00:28:50.865
And we come first. We do.

556
00:28:52.645 –> 00:28:55.425
And these moms, you know, going back to

557
00:28:55.425 –> 00:28:59.035
that message, it’s up to her.

558
00:29:01.385 –> 00:29:03.485
The, the momming reality is real.

559
00:29:04.665 –> 00:29:09.045
And our suffering benefits. No one.

560
00:29:12.315 –> 00:29:14.135
And everyone feels, feels the effect of it.

561
00:29:14.715 –> 00:29:17.765
Do you want your people in your life to tiptoe around you?

562
00:29:18.645 –> 00:29:20.445
I don’t. I don’t want them.

563
00:29:21.025 –> 00:29:23.365
And, and, and oh my God, the greatest paradox here,

564
00:29:23.365 –> 00:29:27.005
the greatest irony of all is in being so selfless,

565
00:29:27.425 –> 00:29:29.885
you end up being completely narcissistic

566
00:29:31.075 –> 00:29:35.915
because you’re so, like everyone’s tiptoeing around,

567
00:29:35.915 –> 00:29:37.115
you don’t upset Bob.

568
00:29:37.715 –> 00:29:39.475
Everyone’s thinking about mom. Everyone’s thinking about

569
00:29:39.475 –> 00:29:42.005
how mom is not happy and mom needs to be taken care of

570
00:29:42.025 –> 00:29:43.365
and don’t upset mom,

571
00:29:43.375 –> 00:29:45.645
don’t give mom any more trouble, blah, blah, blah.

572
00:29:45.865 –> 00:29:47.205
So you think you’re being selfless,

573
00:29:47.345 –> 00:29:51.605
but in fact your misery oozing out of you

574
00:29:52.505 –> 00:29:54.405
is affecting everyone around you.

575
00:29:54.545 –> 00:29:58.275
So do everyone a favor yourself first,

576
00:29:58.945 –> 00:30:00.435
make yourself a priority.

577
00:30:01.585 –> 00:30:02.965
You are not selfless.

578
00:30:03.305 –> 00:30:06.825
You are self more first.

579
00:30:07.405 –> 00:30:11.025
And then you have more to give from a full flowing cup.

580
00:30:13.325 –> 00:30:16.815
Make everybody else around you, um,

581
00:30:17.315 –> 00:30:19.815
or allow everyone else around you to feel more peace

582
00:30:19.815 –> 00:30:21.535
and calm with you because you are happy

583
00:30:22.035 –> 00:30:24.055
and you’ve decided to put yourself first.

584
00:30:25.065 –> 00:30:28.685
That’s what I have to say about that. Yeah. I love that.

585
00:30:28.745 –> 00:30:30.965
And, and I, I will, I will add this though.

586
00:30:31.125 –> 00:30:32.965
I think there are seasons, right?

587
00:30:33.305 –> 00:30:36.805
If you are the mom of a newborn, if you are the mom

588
00:30:37.305 –> 00:30:42.045
of a chronically ill child, if you are the mom of someone,

589
00:30:42.285 –> 00:30:44.645
a child that’s just had an injury, I have a, a child

590
00:30:44.645 –> 00:30:48.365
that’s just recently been injured and you know, those times

591
00:30:48.585 –> 00:30:52.325
or there, there are times in our lives when we have to take

592
00:30:52.835 –> 00:30:54.445
certain steps, right?

593
00:30:54.625 –> 00:30:59.485
But if we live consistently in that self full place,

594
00:31:00.115 –> 00:31:04.285
then when the time comes that we’re called upon to, okay,

595
00:31:04.355 –> 00:31:05.925
this is an emergency situation.

596
00:31:06.065 –> 00:31:08.645
Now I have to pour out more than I normally would.

597
00:31:09.185 –> 00:31:11.005
Now I do have to drop back a few steps.

598
00:31:11.665 –> 00:31:14.365
We are in a better position to do so if we’re already

599
00:31:14.505 –> 00:31:19.405
so depleted, so exhausted, so resentful, so just

600
00:31:20.155 –> 00:31:21.365
enraged, right?

601
00:31:22.065 –> 00:31:26.205
How can we possibly deal with the things when they happen?

602
00:31:26.775 –> 00:31:29.165
Right? Exactly. That’s a great point. So much harder.

603
00:31:29.505 –> 00:31:31.245
That’s a great point. There are times when

604
00:31:31.755 –> 00:31:34.885
life calls upon us to give a lot.

605
00:31:36.485 –> 00:31:38.625
And when you’re in a, in a in, um,

606
00:31:39.215 –> 00:31:44.195
when you just practice self, self more self first,

607
00:31:45.305 –> 00:31:47.515
regularly, you have an abundance

608
00:31:47.775 –> 00:31:50.115
to give from in those times.

609
00:31:50.775 –> 00:31:55.575
And even in those times, if you can even just five,

610
00:31:55.675 –> 00:31:57.535
10 minutes, find 10 minutes.

611
00:31:57.645 –> 00:32:00.815
Like I started when my kids were little, I started waking up

612
00:32:01.585 –> 00:32:03.495
early and then my kids were early risers.

613
00:32:03.515 –> 00:32:05.375
Oh my God. They woke up at five 30.

614
00:32:05.405 –> 00:32:07.335
They were taking their first naps at like

615
00:32:07.445 –> 00:32:08.455
nine o’clock in the morning.

616
00:32:08.735 –> 00:32:10.735
I was like, oh my god, this the longest day ever.

617
00:32:11.715 –> 00:32:13.335
But I started waking up

618
00:32:14.275 –> 00:32:18.935
before they did to have my time to myself

619
00:32:21.285 –> 00:32:22.455
because I needed it.

620
00:32:24.685 –> 00:32:27.785
And, and so there’s always little moments

621
00:32:28.525 –> 00:32:29.785
or pockets of time

622
00:32:30.575 –> 00:32:32.945
that we can still take time for ourselves.

623
00:32:34.145 –> 00:32:35.745
I watched my mother-in-law care

624
00:32:36.045 –> 00:32:38.145
for my father-in-Law as he was dying.

625
00:32:39.145 –> 00:32:40.605
And she had nothing left.

626
00:32:40.825 –> 00:32:44.045
And she ended up needing like PT by the time he passed away.

627
00:32:44.405 –> 00:32:46.805
’cause her back hurt from always doing all this stuff.

628
00:32:46.825 –> 00:32:48.885
And she was refusing to get help.

629
00:32:50.285 –> 00:32:53.835
And like, that’s not good. It’s just not good.

630
00:32:54.735 –> 00:32:57.945
You know? And we have to take care

631
00:32:57.945 –> 00:32:59.705
of ourselves in order to take care of others.

632
00:33:00.205 –> 00:33:03.665
We just do. It sounds so, so cliche,

633
00:33:04.525 –> 00:33:06.985
but we’re going beyond the cliche of this.

634
00:33:08.285 –> 00:33:11.535
It’s, it’s not just like, put your oxygen mask on first.

635
00:33:12.125 –> 00:33:15.485
It’s more than that. I know you hate that phrase

636
00:33:16.115 –> 00:33:17.165
that makes your eyes roll.

637
00:33:17.515 –> 00:33:19.845
Hate it. I hate it so much because,

638
00:33:20.155 –> 00:33:24.085
because I am in this online messaging space and

639
00:33:24.085 –> 00:33:26.805
because of that, I do tend to see these cliches over

640
00:33:26.825 –> 00:33:28.005
and over and over again.

641
00:33:28.505 –> 00:33:32.235
And the self-care lie, the,

642
00:33:32.255 –> 00:33:34.875
the way self-care is being messaged is

643
00:33:34.875 –> 00:33:38.355
because they’re selling you something, right?

644
00:33:38.415 –> 00:33:40.595
It it is not the self-centered message

645
00:33:40.625 –> 00:33:41.835
that you’re talking about.

646
00:33:42.305 –> 00:33:43.555
It’s something completely different.

647
00:33:43.865 –> 00:33:46.955
It’s um, it’s a bait and switch.

648
00:33:47.625 –> 00:33:48.995
It’s a, Hey, this is how you’re gonna

649
00:33:48.995 –> 00:33:50.115
take care of yourself, mom.

650
00:33:50.135 –> 00:33:54.475
So add one more thing to your, to-do list. Yeah. Right?

651
00:33:55.055 –> 00:33:58.515
And that is just, that’s just making it worse. Yes.

652
00:33:58.515 –> 00:34:01.035
We’re just slapping lipstick on the pig

653
00:34:01.415 –> 00:34:03.755
and saying, okay, this is all fixed.

654
00:34:03.895 –> 00:34:06.915
Now go live your life. All, all your problems are solved.

655
00:34:06.915 –> 00:34:08.715
You’ve taken the time for your own self-care.

656
00:34:09.055 –> 00:34:11.075
But the way that self-care is being messaged

657
00:34:11.175 –> 00:34:13.035
is phony baloney.

658
00:34:13.965 –> 00:34:16.255
Yeah. And it’s not about getting a massage

659
00:34:16.875 –> 00:34:18.055
unless you really need it.

660
00:34:18.215 –> 00:34:21.935
’cause you have issues. Like I, when I’m getting a massage

661
00:34:21.995 –> 00:34:25.055
and I, and I, sometimes it takes me away from

662
00:34:25.365 –> 00:34:26.415
what I really need to be doing.

663
00:34:26.435 –> 00:34:28.135
And I find myself like, can you hurry up?

664
00:34:28.975 –> 00:34:33.615
I got things to do. It’s, it doesn’t have to be that way.

665
00:34:33.795 –> 00:34:35.535
It can literally be five minutes

666
00:34:35.715 –> 00:34:38.655
to drink your coffee in silence before everyone wakes up.

667
00:34:40.115 –> 00:34:44.615
It can be figuring out with your partner, if you have one,

668
00:34:45.475 –> 00:34:47.735
how you’re going to delegate.

669
00:34:47.755 –> 00:34:51.695
My husband and I just had this conversation last week

670
00:34:52.045 –> 00:34:53.535
because we used to do this,

671
00:34:53.635 –> 00:34:56.325
and we fell off, fell off the wagon.

672
00:34:56.465 –> 00:34:57.845
We got out of the habit of it,

673
00:34:58.765 –> 00:35:03.395
which is having a weekly meeting with each other and,

674
00:35:03.495 –> 00:35:05.635
and checking in and how are things going for you

675
00:35:05.635 –> 00:35:06.635
and how are things going for you?

676
00:35:06.655 –> 00:35:07.675
And what do we need to do to make

677
00:35:07.675 –> 00:35:08.715
this easier for both of us?

678
00:35:08.735 –> 00:35:09.795
And what’s going on here

679
00:35:09.795 –> 00:35:12.035
and what are the things that the kids have going on so

680
00:35:12.035 –> 00:35:14.515
that it’s not all on me and it’s not,

681
00:35:14.575 –> 00:35:18.635
and I’m not delegating like we, this is, this is,

682
00:35:18.975 –> 00:35:21.355
it takes an extra step sometimes

683
00:35:22.645 –> 00:35:25.065
to then make it easier on the backend.

684
00:35:26.475 –> 00:35:29.945
But, and we’re not adding things to the, to-do list

685
00:35:30.165 –> 00:35:32.425
for people who are already feeling exhausted.

686
00:35:32.425 –> 00:35:34.025
It’s not, go get your nails done. Do this.

687
00:35:34.145 –> 00:35:36.305
I have to do this now I have to add on and blah, blah, blah.

688
00:35:36.695 –> 00:35:38.725
It’s a different way of thinking. That’s all.

689
00:35:39.315 –> 00:35:41.685
It’s just a different way of thinking.

690
00:35:42.975 –> 00:35:44.235
And we all have time for that.

691
00:35:44.975 –> 00:35:47.835
We all have time to catch ourselves noticing when we’re

692
00:35:47.835 –> 00:35:50.315
being selfless and putting ourself in a situation where

693
00:35:51.245 –> 00:35:53.435
we’re doing something that’s coming at a cost to us.

694
00:35:54.485 –> 00:35:55.505
And therefore, by the way,

695
00:35:56.065 –> 00:35:57.225
everyone else is gonna pay for it.

696
00:35:57.625 –> 00:35:59.625
’cause you won’t be happy. You’ll be grumpy,

697
00:35:59.725 –> 00:36:02.785
you’ll be resentful, you’ll be p****d off, you’ll be angry.

698
00:36:03.445 –> 00:36:04.985
And then it oozes out.

699
00:36:05.045 –> 00:36:06.745
You can think that you’re pretending,

700
00:36:06.745 –> 00:36:08.505
but you’re not like the lipstick on a pig.

701
00:36:08.505 –> 00:36:10.065
You’re still like a pig.

702
00:36:10.705 –> 00:36:14.705
And you know, like, you could pretend that you’re being kind

703
00:36:14.725 –> 00:36:18.785
and nice, but secretly everyone knows

704
00:36:19.445 –> 00:36:23.545
it oozes out of us when we think it’s not.

705
00:36:24.585 –> 00:36:28.035
Yeah. I just, if it doesn’t ooze out, then it stays in.

706
00:36:28.175 –> 00:36:29.395
And that’s what you’re talking about,

707
00:36:29.415 –> 00:36:31.635
the autoimmune and all of that stuff.

708
00:36:32.065 –> 00:36:34.635
Exactly. Or it explodes

709
00:36:35.015 –> 00:36:37.515
or, you know, you stuff it all in until you, like, you’re,

710
00:36:37.575 –> 00:36:40.515
you know, you, your top fly flies off

711
00:36:40.515 –> 00:36:41.915
and you’re just like exploding.

712
00:36:42.615 –> 00:36:44.995
You flip your lid. That’s not good either,

713
00:36:45.625 –> 00:36:47.235
because nobody knew it was coming.

714
00:36:47.655 –> 00:36:48.715
It comes outta nowhere.

715
00:36:49.695 –> 00:36:51.835
You know, it, we’re just not being our best selves.

716
00:36:52.895 –> 00:36:55.815
So I think we, we nailed it here.

717
00:36:56.635 –> 00:36:58.935
Um, I want us to end

718
00:36:59.285 –> 00:37:01.735
with the clip from Jim Gaffigan.

719
00:37:01.955 –> 00:37:04.455
We had such a good laugh about that.

720
00:37:04.675 –> 00:37:06.615
So we’re going to, you know, end with this.

721
00:37:07.535 –> 00:37:09.495
I don’t get the mirrors, you know,

722
00:37:09.775 –> 00:37:12.015
I don’t wanna see myself working out.

723
00:37:13.015 –> 00:37:16.215
I know what I look like. That’s why I’m going to the gym.

724
00:37:18.455 –> 00:37:20.575
Honestly, there’s some people that do want that, right?

725
00:37:20.575 –> 00:37:22.655
They’re like, if I’m gonna be working out, I want

726
00:37:22.655 –> 00:37:24.895
to look at something like myself.

727
00:37:26.055 –> 00:37:29.335
I wanna look at myself while I work on myself.

728
00:37:30.255 –> 00:37:32.015
I should do recording so I can listen

729
00:37:32.035 –> 00:37:35.975
to myself while I look at myself, while I work on myself,

730
00:37:36.995 –> 00:37:40.695
as I leave through myself magazine read

731
00:37:40.715 –> 00:37:42.975
how myself can improve myself

732
00:37:43.835 –> 00:37:45.335
and know good at my Facebook page,

733
00:37:45.335 –> 00:37:48.375
and look at photos of myself, read

734
00:37:48.375 –> 00:37:50.775
what myself is written about myself.

735
00:37:56.245 –> 00:37:58.015
It’s just the juxtaposition, right?

736
00:37:58.075 –> 00:38:01.495
We, nobody wants to be the self, self, self, self self.

737
00:38:01.495 –> 00:38:03.375
And look at me in a self, we live in a selfie culture.

738
00:38:05.005 –> 00:38:08.715
We’re all afraid of being called narcissistic.

739
00:38:08.715 –> 00:38:10.435
We’re all afraid of being called selfish.

740
00:38:11.575 –> 00:38:13.665
Yet it’s the,

741
00:38:13.695 –> 00:38:16.665
it’s just this great paradox here, right?

742
00:38:17.465 –> 00:38:20.555
Selfless is the way to live, and then you suffer

743
00:38:20.735 –> 00:38:22.195
and everyone else around you suffers.

744
00:38:22.575 –> 00:38:25.075
But God forbid, you’re, you take care of yourself.

745
00:38:26.395 –> 00:38:28.615
God forbid you actually have confidence in yourself

746
00:38:28.635 –> 00:38:30.135
and you love yourself, and you set limits,

747
00:38:30.195 –> 00:38:31.575
and you make yourself a priority.

748
00:38:31.575 –> 00:38:34.655
People are gonna say, oh, she’s too full of herself.

749
00:38:35.295 –> 00:38:39.565
Don’t be afraid of that. Everybody, there’s it.

750
00:38:39.635 –> 00:38:42.965
It’s not narcissistic to have good boundaries.

751
00:38:43.075 –> 00:38:46.125
It’s not narcissistic to say no and to set limits

752
00:38:46.345 –> 00:38:47.805
and to make yourself a priority

753
00:38:47.805 –> 00:38:52.485
and to do things that you authentically want to do or do.

754
00:38:52.535 –> 00:38:55.325
Don’t do things that you authentically don’t want to do.

755
00:38:56.675 –> 00:39:01.595
It’s honest, it’s authentic living to say yeses,

756
00:39:02.015 –> 00:39:03.955
to have your yeses and have your nos.

757
00:39:06.005 –> 00:39:08.785
It just is, it’s,

758
00:39:09.335 –> 00:39:11.665
it’s not noble to be selfless.

759
00:39:12.035 –> 00:39:16.345
There is no nobility in your suffering, in your martyrdom,

760
00:39:16.685 –> 00:39:17.985
in your victim mentality.

761
00:39:18.855 –> 00:39:22.625
When you fall into victim thinking, notice it

762
00:39:24.065 –> 00:39:27.205
and own it and ask yourself, I, you,

763
00:39:27.485 –> 00:39:28.805
I literally want you guys to do this.

764
00:39:28.805 –> 00:39:29.805
So this is what I do for myself.

765
00:39:30.385 –> 00:39:32.565
Oh, oh my God, I’m totally being a victim right now.

766
00:39:34.595 –> 00:39:39.145
Hillary, you’ve done this to yourself. Fix it.

767
00:39:40.795 –> 00:39:44.545
Fix it. You know, even if it’s just a mental fix,

768
00:39:45.295 –> 00:39:46.665
stop thinking about yourself this way.

769
00:39:46.735 –> 00:39:50.085
This is your life. You created it. You made these choices.

770
00:39:52.235 –> 00:39:54.855
And then make a change. Make a change.

771
00:39:55.405 –> 00:39:57.455
Stop doing the s**t that you don’t really need to be doing.

772
00:39:58.245 –> 00:40:00.015
There’s a lot of things we’re doing that we don’t need

773
00:40:00.015 –> 00:40:01.575
to be doing because we think we get

774
00:40:01.575 –> 00:40:02.615
a gold star for doing them.

775
00:40:03.485 –> 00:40:05.785
Thanks so much for joining the conversation today.

776
00:40:06.065 –> 00:40:07.465
I hope you learned something new

777
00:40:08.045 –> 00:40:09.905
or heard something that inspired you

778
00:40:09.905 –> 00:40:11.505
to take action in a new way.

779
00:40:12.005 –> 00:40:13.905
As your greatest champion

780
00:40:14.125 –> 00:40:17.465
and someone who truly cares about your love, happiness,

781
00:40:17.465 –> 00:40:20.825
wealth, and success, I always want to encourage you

782
00:40:20.885 –> 00:40:24.865
to ask yourself this question, how have I contributed?

783
00:40:25.525 –> 00:40:27.665
You are the only person who can ask this

784
00:40:27.725 –> 00:40:29.745
and the only one who can answer it.

785
00:40:30.535 –> 00:40:34.225
This doesn’t just change your life, this changes everything.

What to listen to next...

Episode 06
Join me as I dive into the world of emotional eating, where I share both my personal journey and family history with food along with my professional insights.
36 min.
Episode 05
We’ve been receiving so many insightful and thought-provoking questions from you all, and it’s time we dive into them.
27 min.

This Changes Everything.

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